Yesterday I got a phone call from the town police department. "We want to wrap things up." Can you tell us where your husband is?" "No I don't know where he is. I haven't seen him in a long time." That's all the truth. I don't know where he is. I could guess, but why...should I help them do their job. I think back to the last time we went through this and I will be damned if I help them one bit.
Tonight they stopped by to pay a small visit. I did good, in as far as I didn't invite them in. I did talk to them for a few minutes. I know I "don't have" to talk to them. I just feel that I will make things worse for myself and my children if I don't at least give the appearance of being helpful.
We live in a very small town. One of the officers is a resource officer at the school where my children go. He also happens to live a mile down the road from my sister. This isn't some big city where you can blend in with everyone else. They can easily report me to cps. Even I haven't done anything wrong, they can make something up, its not that hard. They could easily give me problems for having out of state tags still. There are so many ways they could make life miserable for me and my children. I figure the best thing to do is be pleasantly unhelpful.
Its been over a year since my husband ran away essentially. He is running scared. Scared of the consequences, scared of being locked up again, scared of being killed in prison He figures life on the run, even if he doesn't see his family is better than being locked up. He figures it's better being able to do what he wants.
As the one left behind, I don't know if I agree or not. I can tell you, I am tired, I am conflicted inside. I want my husband back, yet I don't want him back. I love him and I resent him. I want to move on, but I don't want to move on, he is my best friend and no other man comes even close to getting to my heart the way he has. I want to move to be with him, but I am too scared to move. I miss him, but sometimes think life is easier without him. I hated dealing with drinking and jealousy/insecurity I would feel when he would flirt with other women. Other days I feel like life truly sucks with him gone. The house is frequently a mess, the kids are by themselves a lot. Everyone and everything is neglected with him gone. Life seems to be falling a part no matter how hard I try to keep things together.
He says he wants his family back but he "won't come back to that house. The neighbors would call the cops in a heartbeat." Come back and deal with stuff and then you can live at home again. "No, the neighbors are always going to make things bad for me. The longer you stay away, the worse its going to be. "No, its better for my children if I am not locked up again. I can send them money and talk to them"
I think about my options and I don't like the answers. I need to move because my landlord really wants to sell the house. I don't want to because the girls are settled, have made friends. Finding another place around here for the same price as what I pay, would be a miracle. Plain and simple. Those who have pets know how hard it is to rent when you have dogs. Especially a German shepherd whose nickname is Dakota the Destroyer.
Optimally I would like to find a place on the outskirts of the same town, that way I could keep the girls in the same school and maybe he would come back home. We would still be close to his other children and my sister. Maybe...but I don't know. Chances are there would be another excuse why he couldn't. Cue the song by Jamie O'Neil There is no Arizona. Then again, someday I want to move far away from here because I feel like I am getting very little help from either of our families, so what is the point of paying this high rent and driving so far to work!
I think that if I stay in CT, it would be better for him because he would be off the registry. If we move somewhere else there is a good chance he would be put back on the registry. Definitely, can't move to NY because he would go back on the registry for sure in that state. Yet I work in NY and I don't want to quit my job because I already have a pattern of only staying at one job for a year or so. I have a pattern of always moving to accommodate him.
On more than one occasion I have the impulse to throw away my phone, pack up the girls and head out to Houston, Texas. Michael Berry does an excellent job of selling the idea of how wonderful Texas is.
Then he will tell me how good he is doing where he is at. He is working here, there. He is out in the country. He knows a guy who has a farm that maybe he can rent a house from. It sounds so friggen wonderful. I would love to live on a farm again, in area that is warm and sunny, far far away from here. I think about moving, finding a new job, and I think "what if" What if I move out there and he gets caught by the police. Eventually they are gonna catch up with him. Then I am somewhere all by myself and he will be sent back to CT. That would suck. What if he is drinking or doing drugs again and I move out there. That wouldn't be good either. That's the understatement of the year.
From listening to Tony Robbin's tapes on personal power. I know that he and I could have or would have done something by now, except that we are both dealing with a lot of internal and external conflicts. These conflicts have us locked in place, like the ropes you use when you two cowboys to catch a calf.
He wants to be with his family but we represent loss of freedom. I want to be with him, but there is too much insecurity in that decision. If it was just me, I probably would have gone by now, but because I have children to look out for...I value being a caretaker. I I used to take care of him but now I have children to take care of. They need me more than he needs me.
I understand that right now freedom is the most important value to him. This is stronger than how much he values his family. It's not saying that family isn't important to him, but you can tell by his actions over the years that other things are more important, despite what he says. Actions speak louder than words.
So thanks to the police for opening up some festering wounds so that I can spill things out on this blog.
Tonight they stopped by to pay a small visit. I did good, in as far as I didn't invite them in. I did talk to them for a few minutes. I know I "don't have" to talk to them. I just feel that I will make things worse for myself and my children if I don't at least give the appearance of being helpful.
We live in a very small town. One of the officers is a resource officer at the school where my children go. He also happens to live a mile down the road from my sister. This isn't some big city where you can blend in with everyone else. They can easily report me to cps. Even I haven't done anything wrong, they can make something up, its not that hard. They could easily give me problems for having out of state tags still. There are so many ways they could make life miserable for me and my children. I figure the best thing to do is be pleasantly unhelpful.
Its been over a year since my husband ran away essentially. He is running scared. Scared of the consequences, scared of being locked up again, scared of being killed in prison He figures life on the run, even if he doesn't see his family is better than being locked up. He figures it's better being able to do what he wants.
As the one left behind, I don't know if I agree or not. I can tell you, I am tired, I am conflicted inside. I want my husband back, yet I don't want him back. I love him and I resent him. I want to move on, but I don't want to move on, he is my best friend and no other man comes even close to getting to my heart the way he has. I want to move to be with him, but I am too scared to move. I miss him, but sometimes think life is easier without him. I hated dealing with drinking and jealousy/insecurity I would feel when he would flirt with other women. Other days I feel like life truly sucks with him gone. The house is frequently a mess, the kids are by themselves a lot. Everyone and everything is neglected with him gone. Life seems to be falling a part no matter how hard I try to keep things together.
He says he wants his family back but he "won't come back to that house. The neighbors would call the cops in a heartbeat." Come back and deal with stuff and then you can live at home again. "No, the neighbors are always going to make things bad for me. The longer you stay away, the worse its going to be. "No, its better for my children if I am not locked up again. I can send them money and talk to them"
I think about my options and I don't like the answers. I need to move because my landlord really wants to sell the house. I don't want to because the girls are settled, have made friends. Finding another place around here for the same price as what I pay, would be a miracle. Plain and simple. Those who have pets know how hard it is to rent when you have dogs. Especially a German shepherd whose nickname is Dakota the Destroyer.
Optimally I would like to find a place on the outskirts of the same town, that way I could keep the girls in the same school and maybe he would come back home. We would still be close to his other children and my sister. Maybe...but I don't know. Chances are there would be another excuse why he couldn't. Cue the song by Jamie O'Neil There is no Arizona. Then again, someday I want to move far away from here because I feel like I am getting very little help from either of our families, so what is the point of paying this high rent and driving so far to work!
I think that if I stay in CT, it would be better for him because he would be off the registry. If we move somewhere else there is a good chance he would be put back on the registry. Definitely, can't move to NY because he would go back on the registry for sure in that state. Yet I work in NY and I don't want to quit my job because I already have a pattern of only staying at one job for a year or so. I have a pattern of always moving to accommodate him.
On more than one occasion I have the impulse to throw away my phone, pack up the girls and head out to Houston, Texas. Michael Berry does an excellent job of selling the idea of how wonderful Texas is.
Then he will tell me how good he is doing where he is at. He is working here, there. He is out in the country. He knows a guy who has a farm that maybe he can rent a house from. It sounds so friggen wonderful. I would love to live on a farm again, in area that is warm and sunny, far far away from here. I think about moving, finding a new job, and I think "what if" What if I move out there and he gets caught by the police. Eventually they are gonna catch up with him. Then I am somewhere all by myself and he will be sent back to CT. That would suck. What if he is drinking or doing drugs again and I move out there. That wouldn't be good either. That's the understatement of the year.
From listening to Tony Robbin's tapes on personal power. I know that he and I could have or would have done something by now, except that we are both dealing with a lot of internal and external conflicts. These conflicts have us locked in place, like the ropes you use when you two cowboys to catch a calf.
He wants to be with his family but we represent loss of freedom. I want to be with him, but there is too much insecurity in that decision. If it was just me, I probably would have gone by now, but because I have children to look out for...I value being a caretaker. I I used to take care of him but now I have children to take care of. They need me more than he needs me.
I understand that right now freedom is the most important value to him. This is stronger than how much he values his family. It's not saying that family isn't important to him, but you can tell by his actions over the years that other things are more important, despite what he says. Actions speak louder than words.
So thanks to the police for opening up some festering wounds so that I can spill things out on this blog.
