How do I?

"We are what we think.

All that we are arises

With our thoughts.

With our thoughts,

We make our world."

The Buddha

Come Christmas, it will have been two years since my family was split apart again.   My husband and I remain separated, not so much from desire to be apart, but mainly from his overwhelming desire to not go back to prison for any reason and my refusal to move our children out to where he is, knowing that eventually the inevitable will happen (he gets caught and goes back to jail).  I can't say I blame him for not wanting to go back.  Still....the longer he runs away from it, the longer we stay in limbo like this, the more likely this family will stay permanently fractured.
Situations like ours, are complicated and difficult to explain to the average person.  It's difficult to explain what goes on in your head.  What was black and white, say 15 years ago, isn't so crystal clear when you have been through hell once already and face the prospect of going through it again.
How do you explain to people, or even to yourself why you love someone who to so many people seems like scum.  (I hate that word....I don't believe anyone is scum... I just don't).  How do you explain to people that you love someone, but you don't know what is best for them, your family or for you?  How do you explain to others, that you want to move on, that you want to find someone new to love, but you don't know how to, because that other person is your best friend?  That other person knows you like no one else does. Love is not a water faucet that you can turn off and on at will.
 How can a person even think about getting involved with other people when ones life is so complicated?  I can just picture myself talking to some other man and having to explain to them.  I am married, but separated.  My husband is gone, but we talk still. He is a sex offender... I am lonely and want someone to ease that loneliness.  I am tired of managing my family on my own and would like some help.  I am sure that conversation would cause a man to run away as fast as they could.  Who wants that kind of complicated life?   This shows that I have a belief that men, people will reject me when I share the truth with them.  I think there is a belief in me that  most people don't like me, don't love me, won't accept me for who I am.  I have one person that does and so I hold onto that person like a drowning person holds on to a buoy.  Letting go of him, means being almost completely alone in the world. (I have my children and family, but it's not the same type of love that you get from a lover)
One reason that makes it so difficult to  end a relationship such as the one that we have is due to our belief systems.
 I believe that there are too many broken families in the world and that families are the bedrock of a healthy society.  I believe that families need to be nourished and made stronger instead of weaker.
We promised each other that we wouldn't get divorced.  I said I wouldn't make the first move, he said he wouldn't make the first move.  I promised my children I wouldn't divorce their father.  I promised him I would love him no matter what.  Promises like these are not meant to be broken.  I didn't cross my fingers when I made them.
 On the one hand I believe that marriage is for better and for worse, for richer, for poorer, through the good times, through the bad times.  I don't think I have a  real deal breaker for me.  I believe I was taught that the word divorce is not an option when you are married. I think I must really believe that love conquers all and that some how, some way we can get through this and come out better stronger people because of all these experiences.  I believe that we can break this cycle.  I believe we can help others keep from going through this situation or show them how to get through a situation like this, once we have gone through it.
 These beliefs conflict internally with the beliefs that I deserve better, that marriage shouldn't just mean complete loneliness and shame.
I want to be with my husband, but I believe that moving my children away from their brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, grandparents, school, friends, and all the other little things that we have that give our life stability is more important than being with their father.  I believe fathers are important and should be in their children's lives, which is why we visited him ever chance we had when he was in prison the first go around, but that this stigma of having a father who is a RSO is a huge cross for children and spouses to bear.  I think of him being back home and having to go back on the registry again in this state where we live currently.  I think of the difficulty of not letting my girls have friends come over here to hang out.  I think of that conversations that we would have to have with the school should he ever want to go to their school functions.  We have avoided these conversations with people, with schools.  How do you go and look someone in the eye and explain to them I am a sex offender? How do you explain that I love a sex offender without people thinking something is seriously wrong with you.  How do you stop caring what others think?   How do you explain to others your situation.  If you are like me, you don't, because I don't ,
can't face rejection.  I don't think he can either.  Instead I avoid. I avoid getting close to people.  He pretends to be something other than himself.   How do you keep your heart from getting broken when people reject you because of it.  For some of us, rejection is so very difficult to handle, that we will do almost anything to keep from feeling rejected. I think this has something to do with our values.  What is most important to you?  The things that are most important to us, we protect at all costs.
 I believe the harm that would come to them, our girls, emotionally to have him ripped out of their lives again when the past catches up with him is worse than living without him physically.
I believe that divorce hurts so many more people than just the two getting divorced.  It damages your family, his family, and your mutual friends,

I share some of my beliefs with you, to show how frozen we can be when we have conflicting beliefs.  We want to be together, but then again we really don't because of the pain that we now associate with being together as a family.  When we went through this the first time, we didn't have all these pain associations that we have now.  This is why our actions are different this time around.  We didn't have conflicting beliefs when we were fifteen years younger that we have now.  Like they say, once bitten, twice shy.
I believe that as long as our beliefs, continue to be in conflict, we will not have the resolution that we desire and we will all be stuck in this limbo.  I believe that by talking about this...in a place where I won't be rejected face to face, I can look at my beliefs and decide if they are beliefs that I should continue to believe in or should they be replaced.
What are your beliefs?  Do you know how your belief system shapes your actions?  Would you mind sharing?
Blessings....

Freaky little perverted children playing doctor

I don't know the whole story and maybe some of what I read was taken out of context when I read the news article that accused Lena Dunham of sexual abuse because of some things that happened between her and her sister when they were young.  If what she shared constitutes as sexual abuse then maybe we ought to turn every child who does any exploration of their body or the bodies over to the authorities and have them charged as sexual offenders.  We should then put them all on the registered sex offender list.
It brought up some memories of when I grew up.  I guess sexual exploration cannot happen until you reach the magical age of 17 or something like that.  I guess the children I grew up around where young sexual abusers because of the things that they did, that we did.
I remember when I was about  6 my parents dropped me off at the babysitters house.  I went into the bedroom of her two young sons, I think the older one was about 5 and the younger one around 4 and their female cousin was about 5.  They were in the closet "playing doctor."  Playing doctor involved putting piece of toilet paper into their privates and kissing each other.  I was a little bit shocked at what was going on, but I didn't think it was "evil" or that they were abusing each other.  I think I probably giggled a little bit about the whole thing and then probably threatened to tattle on them.  I don't remember if I did or not.  I think they pulled up their clothes and we all probably went back to playing.

Another a time, I went over to a classmates house when I was in kindergarten.  My friend said she would show me hers, if I would show her mine?  I didn't really know what she was talking about till she unzipped her pants and pulled down her underwear.  I felt obliged to copy her.  I guess we both should've been locked up for impairing the morals of a minor.  I think we spent about 10 seconds looking at each other, then we pulled up our pants and began playing with Barbie Dolls.

Speaking of Barbie dolls, there is a sex toy if there ever was one! At least if you are a young child.  Recently I have been reading the book Madonna Unauthorized and  it mentions some of the naughty things that Madonna did with her barbie dolls.  Out of all the things that Madonna has done, this was something I could relate to.  I remember playing with my Barbie dolls, and having them kiss each other naked and what not. It created small sexual stirrings even at the young age of 5 or so.  Do you think that these sexual stirrings meant I was a pervert even at such a young age?  Do you think it indicates that maybe I was sexually abused already and didn't know it?  My recollection of molestation didn't occur till I was around 8 or 9?  Somehow even at the age of 5 I felt shame and embarrassment about these feelings I was having when I played Barbie dolls.  I always played in secret. I wonder if my parents knew that this is why Ken and Barbie were always naked and I couldn't find their clothes?

Then I got to be older around the age of 13 and my girlfriend and her younger brothers and maybe some other friends decided to go skinny dipping in the local river.  I suppose that too was indecent exposure and if the police had found us, they would have arrested us and thrown away the key.  Would we all be on the registry then?  I can't believe how many things I did just as a child that could have landed me the title of sex offender, especially if I lived in today's society.
What about you?  Did you do anything that would be considered perverted and sex offenderish in to days civilized society?

Honestly I think we are getting too carried away with what is sexual abuse and what is not.  What I did or what we did I don't think as sexual offenses because we were all the same age and consenting at that time.  We were peers...the playing ground was equal.  No one was forced to do anything.  Now when I was older and my best friend at that time who was 6 years older than me, he molested me when He made me participate in sexual activities that I didn't want to participate in because they made me uncomfortable.  I told him no and he didn't listen.  I consider these incidents sexual molestation.  I don't hate him and I don't think he is evil or a bad person.  I think he was a mixed up kid who needed help.  He didn't get the help that he needed (I don't think it was available back then any way) and now as an adult has suffered because of it.
 My most fervent heartfelt prayer is that we stop treating sex offenders like they are evil, but instead find ways for healing for all.

Who really loves Honey Boo Boo?

I guess you would have to be living under a rock to not have heard the ruckus caused by the rumor that the  mother of Honey Boo(reality TV show Here comes Honey Boo-Boo) might be dating a sex offender. According to what I have read in the news TLC has cancelled the show to protect the children.  They are "worried about the well being of the minors of the show"  Some how by cancelling the show they have taken the moral high ground and are looking out for the welfare of this child and her sisters?
 Somehow by dating a sex offender Honey Boo Boos mother is unethical and immoral?  This is their reasoning on why they won't fully compensate " Mama June" for the work she has done on the show.

Tell me how does this protect the child?  I think it's more about TLC trying to protect their bottom line by not being associated with anything that has the social stigma of "sex offender".  Heaven forbid a reality show, actually show the truth when it's not socially acceptable or the truth that unpopular. At least be honest about it, Your concern is not about the child or her sisters but about public opinion.  You are entitled as a company to do what you feel is in the best interest of your investors and financial base, but please don't hide the truth with the thinly veiled cloak that you are protecting this minor.  Face it, you want to distance TLC from this PR disaster as fast as you can.
If the reporter who first heard about the possibility that Mama June was dating an unsavory character, really wanted to protect Honey Boo-Boo, instead of releasing this news to a company like TMZ,  you may have just voiced your concerns to the sex offenders probation/parole officer.  Maybe you would have contacted their local CPS and said Hey, I have concerns that a sex offender may have had contact with this minor.  That in itself would have been enough to initiate an investigation by the powers that be.  Then it would be up to the law to investigate and determine what was going on and whether any laws were being broken.  Did you really need to put this into a media maelstrom?  I understand they are celebrities, but still I think in matters like this knowing how the public reacts with knee jerk reaction that it could have been handled more discreetly.  That would have been putting the children first.
How does submitting this young child to the media scrutiny of such an issue as this help her?  How does taking away her income or the income of her mother help her?
I am pretty sure that this man's probation or parole officer is capable of determining if this man has violated the conditions of his parole or probation.  If he hasn't, then is it our business who "Mama June" dates?  If she dates him and doesn't have him hanging out with her children, then is it immoral still?  Just because she is dating someone does that automatically mean they consent to be on the reality TV show?   Do you think this man who hasn't even been out of jail for a year was like "Yep, I want to go back to jail by hanging out with someone and their kids."  I bet there are more sex offenders who feel like running the other way when they consider getting involved with someone who has children because they know that violating their parole or probation this way is a pretty much automatic back to jail card.

If you ask me, if people really wanted to "protect the children", they would be concerned about the family unit.  How does tearing down the family by the media help protect this child?  How does the threat "CPS is going to take your children away from you, really help the children?  Do you think that separating child from a parent or parents who  love that child really helps?  I can see separating children from parents who are actively abusing their children as a good reason for separation with the goal of getting help and then reunifying the family once it is safe, under the guidance of a well qualified counselor.
Uncle Poodle is also simply just looking out for Honey Boo-Boo by taking to FaceBook to air his complaints against her mother.  Yep, that shows love.  Yes, he loves his niece so much that he thinks the best thing for her is to live with him instead of her living with her sister and her mother.  Is that seriously what you think is the best interest for these children?
As a parent I thought stability and unconditional love were some of  the cornerstones of doing your  best for your children.  If my children were taken from me or if I died I would want  my two daughters kept together until they were of the legal age where they could make their own decisions.
Now if I was TLC and I wanted to be a forward thinking reality show producer that pushed the envelope, I would make a reality TV show chronicling the lives of sex offenders and their families.  Let society really get to know them.  Are they really the big bad monsters of this day and age or are they regular people like you?
Ah, that is the scary part, when you realize there really is no difference between a sex offender and yourself.  Humans, we are capable of all sorts of evil, each and every one of us.  That is a belief that most of us would rather stay blind too.
The sex offender, he did his time.  He paid his price to society.  I know for many people they don't think that doing prison time is enough of a punishment,.  They would rather just see sex offenders killed and tortured because somehow that makes up for what happened?  They think that social isolation and stigmatization some how makes society a safer place to be?  They think separating families makes society a safer and better place?  They think that by making children of sex offenders feel shame about their families helps in some way.  This thinking...I don't get.
I keep coming back to the thought that sexual abuse is more wide spread than what we want to believe.  If you could just magically kill everyone who sexually abused someone in some way, most of the worlds population might just disappear. Where would we be then?  What if that left society with mostly just woman and children and a few men?   I honestly believe that there is an answer out there to help change the outcome of sexual abuse for the abuser and the abused and it doesn't involve hatred and killing.  If anything if involves encouraging people to constant seek to improve their own lives.  It involves striving for ultimate health and balance in all areas of our lives.  It's about building people up rather than tearing them down.