S.O.S Norm Pattis

Norm, hello!  I have been following you on Face book for about two years.  I guess I started following you shortly after my husband left and I was trying to find a productive way to cope with the situation.  I appreciate that you seem to have a desire help rather than simple punishment and that you see both sides of the situation.  Our judicial system is broken...severely.  Do you agree that we have the best judicial system in the world?  I am not sure I agree with that sentiment, though I prefer it over some countries idea of justice, say for instance countries that follow Sharia law.
I know you don't like it when people expect you to help them for free, which is why I am not asking you directly for help.  I am mere posting S.O.S messages to all the people that I think would make a an awesome restorative justice team.  One can dream...

I am not sure how to help my husband or if I even should help my husband.  It's complicated to say the least.  I am not sure if I am repeating myself if I say I paid for a lawyer the first time and I feel like I wasted my money.  I knew I should have taken my money back when he said, I have a daughter and.... He should have said, please I am not the best lawyer for this type of case, I can't objectively defend him instead he took the money and what did we get to show for it.  10 years suspended after 4 and 30 years probation.  The 30 years probation wasn't even part of the plea deal, the judge just tacked that on.  Then when he violated probation, and went back and served the full 10 years, they removed the probation and he was given 10 years on the registry instead.  I know part of the problem is we felt like for what happened we got screwed big time, so is it any wonder, he believed that no matter what, he is guilty until proven innocent and that he was gonna get screwed again and decided to take his chances and run?  I didn't agree with the running away, but I understood why.  I know how my husband operates.  He deals with his fear and pain by hiding and running. Can't tell him I said that, but I think that's why he ends up turning to alcohol and drugs...as a way to cope with whatever he is feeling inside that hurts him too much.  He really is the definition of the proverbial person that is always "shooting himself in the foot."
What I am worried about, is that he will not get a fair trial.  Its a repeat charge along with failure to register.  I am like, they gave him so much time last time, how much time will they give him this time?  I don't even want to think about it.
I can't afford to pay for a lawyer this time around.  I have our children to support.  I was pregnant the first time around, and since it was just me and I was staying with my parents, I was able to scrape up the money to pay for a lawyer.  This time I have to take care of our children... that is my first priority.  He is on his own...so to speak.  He does have a truck and a BBQ trailer that a friend he had in the south is going to try to sell for him.  I don't know how much that will go to help him and I don't know for sure that they will sell it and give him the money.   I would give them to you in trade for your help of course.  Or if we experience a miracle of money, I will be ringing your phone.
Just out of curiosity, how much would you charge to be his lawyer?  Are there lawyers that you would recommend when it comes to ftr and risk of injury charges?  Those are the two major charges.  He will be going to Litchfield County Superior Court.
No matter the outcome, I do appreciate the work you do and the attitude that you have.  We need more lawyers and judges who are fair minded.  I really believe that the protests we are seeing are not so much about race but because people feel like we do, that they are getting fucked by our judicial system and they are powerless to stop it.   It also doesn't help to be called thugs by everyone else.  If they are like my husband, they feel like life has never given them a fair chance because of their skin color and because they have no money.  Money at least helps to even the odds.


Just to look at that place, makes the butterflies erupt in the pit of my stomach.

S.O.S Dave Ramsey

Yep, I have read and listened to some of your Cd's on Financial peace.  I have been working on implementing some of the steps.  Not an easy thing to do for someone who is a procrastinator and who finds the actual paying of bills and contacting debtors to be a painful ordeal.  I am not making as much progress as I would like....but I haven't given up.
So what the heck do you have to do with this mess that so many of us are in?  I think that you could help inmates and their families work on a plan to help them find financial peace even though they are incarcerated.  Now it's just my guess, but if other families are like ours at all.  Their knowledge about financial peace may be very small.  I know my husbands philosophy has always been, "bills will always be here, so enjoy life and don't worry about the bills.  In order to build credit, you need a credit card."  I am sure you can only imagine where such beliefs has taken us.  To say we disagree about money would be an understatement.  Before he was captured, he told me he was trying to start saving money and using a type of envelope/budgeting plan.
Now that my husband is back in jail, financially things will probably go from bad to worse for us in terms of finances.  At least before he was capable of sending us some money on occasion, now I have to make the decision on whether or not to send him money, and how much money to spend on collect calls.  I have to increase my sources of revenue in order to be able to do this.
Because I have been loyal to someone in jail and bore the financial burden for so many years and we have made some poor financial decisions in the past, I am in a very deep financial hole.  I would like to stop digging and climb out of the hole, but I think I need someone to take away my shovel.  The thing is Mr. Ramsey, I am sure that I am not the only one in this situation.  I am sure that many others who have a loved one locked up, feel ongoing sting on financial burden as well, especially because incarceration can be a revolving door.  The financial burden that accompanies incarceration to me feels like a financial rape by our system.
I understand its not the governments fault that someone screwed up and now is in jail.  That's on them.  I understand that there needs to be punishment, but on the other end...it's the family who is paying the price.  Maybe the government could pay the inmates who work a fair working wage instead of slave labor and apply the monies earned to an account that could be used to pay for phone calls, commissary, money for their families, money for their fines and other expenditures.  Maybe there ought to be a minimum wage for inmates.  I know you can't personally make the government increase the wages for prisoners, but maybe you could implement a finical peace university lecture that is tailored to those who are incarcerated.  Perhaps if families and inmates attended these lectures, they could make changes that will build a bedrock of security instead of continuing to dig themselves holes like we have done.  Perhaps with these lectures families would learn about financial boundaries to set while they love someone who is incarcerated and perhaps their loved one would support them in that boundary knowing that it will help them later on in the course of their life.
Do you  have any idea of how hard it is for anyone who has been in jail to start over when they leave?  It is expensive to say the least....how can we help families like mine prepare for expenses so when that day comes they are not left floundering and sinking into despair?
 How can we come up with employment solutions as well?  It is difficult if not almost impossible to get a job when you have been incarcerated or have a rap sheet.  This means that many people who were imprisoned are "self employed."  That's great...but if you are like my husband and myself, you don't have the skills or knowledge to run a successful business.  He made money occasionally doing construction work, but it was never enough to really support us or help out very much.
 He often wouldn't get paid and had no recourse because everything was done "under the table".  It's not like he could charge full price for his labor or that he could complain to anyone but me when money fell through.
When I asked him to move out of our house two years ago, I told him, before you can move back home, you have to learn how to be financially independent.  You have to be able to help us financially rather than be a burden.  I would really like to see this happen still.
Financial woes have taken a huge toll on our relationship. Like many, it was one of the things we argued about or I just refused to talk about it because it caused me so much anxiety and pain.  If families who haven't gone through the agony of incarceration fall apart  because of finances, imagine for a moment just how much more difficult that it is for the families to stay together during this time.  There but by the Grace of God, go we.  How we have lasted this long is beyond me.
So again just to sum it up, what I think would totally rock is a financial peace university program tailored to those who are incarcerated with the goals of helping them make better financial decisions in the long run.  Do you think you would be able to help us?  Pretty please?  

The Darkness, Poem by Olivia

The Darkness

The Darkness Engulfs me,

I am lost now.

A small smile appears on my face,

My friends, buying it for the time.

I've died in side.

I am crying my heart out.

I wish I could physically die.

My soul cries as 

the darkness

carries 

me 

away.

My poem to Olivia

How do I stop the darkness?

How do I set you free?

Can I find you before it's too late?

Can I save you before darkness is your

forever fate?

I want to see you really 

smile.

I miss the joy that was yours for

a while.

I know wishing you could die,

for I have felt the longing 

too.

But I don't want to live life

without you.

You and your sister are the lights in 

my life.

Even as you are dark, you still bring sunshine

to my soul.

I love you and miss you. 

Please come back now, don't

go.

As a parent raising the child of a RSO,  I worry about the impact that having her dad gone again is having.  I feel powerless to stop her pain and help seems out of reach.  Those going through this, know the struggle of trying working to support your family and  keep it all together.  Things slip through the cracks....

I wonder if this is something that needs to be evaluated or will she out grow it?  Perhaps its something she inherited from my side of the family.  Seems both me and my sister liked to write poems about sadness, death and darkness we felt inside when we were teens.  

Statistics show us that children who grow up in a home with a parent in prison, tend to have more problems.  Problems like poor self esteem, alcohol/drug addictions, early sexual experiences, involvement in violent relationships, difficulty in school etc.  Many of them end up in jail themselves.  

Why is this?  Is it genetics?  Is it simply environment?  Are they modeling behaviors and thinking of their parents?  Is it because of the broken family unit?  Is it because they are more likely to live in poverty or near poverty?  Is it because one parent cannot do it all; work, nurture, pay bills, keep house, be a taxi cab, be both mother and father and still be there emotionally, physically and spiritually for their children?

How do we keep our little ones from following in our footsteps?  How can we lift them out of the hole we ourselves are in?  How can we give them a better life when we are so tied down with the baggage we carry?  How can we teach them better thinking?  Thoughts and beliefs that that leads to love and success?

Should we leave our spouse who is incarcerated?  Maybe it's their fault and if we get as far away as possible we can keep them from jinxing us.  Perhaps a new spouse, a new family will solve the problem?  

Will standing by our spouse, help?  Is loving them through thick and thin, accepting them for who they are, the answer?

Maybe buying them gifts and letting them do what they want, because of the guilt and inadequacy we feel, will make them happy.  Maybe going to church and surrounding them with other people who can love them and support them is an answer as well. 

What do you think is the answer?

The damage of the label

I honestly think that the label sex offender, child molester,rapist or pedophile reinforces the behavior rather than decreasing it. It becomes this is what you are. This is who you are. Any good you have done or will do will forever be overshadowed by this act you did. The registry pretty much guarantees that you will wear this label the rest of your life and no one will ever look at you the same. You are unable to change! I will not be surprised if we begin to see a increasing recidivism rate with the registry. It won't happen because a person wants to repeat his behavior but more as a self fulfilling prophecy. On the one hand we tell people what you did was wrong and you mustn't do it again, but on the other hand we don't believe you can help yourself. So we will label you as sex offender so everyone will know what a bad person you really are . Once everyone realizes this it will help to protect society. We will haunt you for the rest of your life. It will become next to impossible to find legitimate work. Most of society will spurn you. Your every move will be scrutinized the way that a turkey vulture circles it prey watching and eagerly anticipating its last breath. Those who love a sex offender will feel the shame and reproach that comes from loving them. They will be embarrassed to have anyone learn about your past. This is if they are lucky. For many life will be much worse. They might be get killed like the couple in North Carolina. Their children might get ostracized at school. They might lose their jobs when the boss finds out they are involved with a sex offender. Society tells you its important to have a healthy self esteem. You need to have a decent amount of self love in order to grow, in order to make progress. Does the label sex offender, help a person to love themself or does it create self loathing and despair? When in the history to do we find that self hatred is helpful? when has history taught us that depression about who you are or who you could be helps to make a person stronger? I think if we study history and the effects of social isolation that we will find it is dangerous for society. According to Anthony Robbins in his book Awaken The Giant Within page 224 "We have got to be very careful of accepting other people's labels; because once we put a label on something, we create a corresponding emotion. (what do you think is the corresponding emotions you create with the sex offender label) Nowhere is this truer than with diseases. Everything that I have studied in the field of psychoneuroimmunolgy reinforces the idea that the words we use produce powerful biochemical results." What if the label sex offender and the stigma attached to it begins to biochemically affect the brain creating a vicious cycle and corresponding domino effect? I would like to know how can we help sex offenders and their families negate the negative impact that the label has on them? How can we reduce the risk of recidivism with the greatest benefit to all? How can we foster change in a positive way without using labels that damage? How can we seek justice for hurt person in a way that promotes healing rather than giving label of victim which is damaging and diminishes a persons internal power as well?

S.O. S Dr Daniel G Amen

Dr. Amen,
I have listened to your book on tape, Change your Brain, Change your life.  I found it to be fascinating and thought provoking.
I think your Spect scans and insights into how the brain works and behavior could be invaluable in the treatment of Sex Offenders.  Do you think it would bring relief to offenders, their families, the public and our leaders if they found that people who offend against others  have a physical problem with their brain that with proper therapy the brain could be restored to what society considers normal and the risk of re offending could be greatly lessened?  I for one, would love an answer to the problem that is called sexual abuse.
You have a great understanding of foods and their powers.  They impact our brain and our body in either  a positive or negative manner.  So often we eat mindlessly, not aware that what we are ingesting  is going to impact how we feel, and how we think.  Now I know that eating healthy will not stop sexual abuse but it might help lessen it because people will have more control over their Pre Frontal cortex.
I would love for you to help us, educate us on healthy living with the goal of making our brain healthy and strong.   Healthy eating is just one  integral part to therapy, one that I think is hugely over looked by a lot treatment programs.  It's not enough to say no alcohol or drugs when designing a treatment program, we must look at all aspects of health.
I hope you would share with me your thoughts about the possible recovery of those who have committed acts of sexual abuse.  Do you think its possible to change their behavior?  Do you think that the treatment would be directed towards the underlying cause of abuse.  Not everyone who commits sexual abuse of a child is a pedophile and not every pedophile commits sexual abuse.
I would love see your treatments  more accessible to people who don't have the ready cash or insurance to pay for your services. .  Its frustrating and depressing to read things that may help someone but then for it to be out of reach because of money. 

S.O.S!!!! Tony Robbins

Hi, Mr. Robbins.  I am sending you a SOS.  I have tried writing you a letter in the past but I don't think it got very far, so I figured I would try this route.  What is the worse that will happen?  You won't read it? Or you might be annoyed with me. I hope not because my intent is not to be a bother.  I don't have a big following, so I don't think too many people will know that I asked you for help.  I don't want to ruin your reputation by asking you to be affiliated with sex offenders.  If it wasn't truly  needed, trust me I wouldn't be asking.
      I  believe that what you teach in your Personal Power series and Awakening the Giant Within holds pieces of the puzzle to changing sex offender outcomes.  Its time for a paradigm shift.   If other people can change,  so can a sex offender.  Its time to shed the belief that once a sex offender, always a sex offender.
 There are roughly 175,000 people on the sex offender registry.  If every sex offender has at least one person that loves him or her and many have more than one then we are talking 350,000+ who are dealing with the aftermath of sexual abuse in the U.S alone.  Can you imagine how many people are affected world wide?  I believe that its possible to redirect the path of a lot of sex offenders using techniques that you talk about in your seminars.
I hope the stories of Steven Collins and Bill Cosby will help the public to begin to see that this is a pervasive problem that can no longer be stuffed into the closet with the rest of the skeletons but needs to be brought out into the light and faced head on with courage and humbleness. There but for the grace of God go I .... I believe that anyone has the capability for abuse.  I also believe that everyone can change for the better.
My husband is in a world of trouble.  He has done a great job of self sabotage.  He is not one of those people who thinks they sabotage themselves, he is one who actually does.  I understand to a point why he does, but other times I do not have a clue.  I don't know how to help him, other than reaching out to people that I think might be able too
  What I desire passionately is to offer hope to sex offenders and their families that help is available and that they are not the vile humans that they are painted as being.   Families need to know that they are not broken or crazy just because they love a sex offender.   I would like you to start with my husband.  I would love for you to meet with us and put both of us through an intensive behavior modification program and then teach us how to share with others how they too can change.  I am sure you are super busy so perhaps you have someone that works for your company that could help us?  I don't have much in the way of money, but perhaps some sort of trade could be made, though I don't know what I could offer.  On the other hand, think about what if you helped me and my husband and we then helped thousands of others and the future of sex offenders and their families was forever altered in a positive way for generations to come.  That would be pretty damn amazing!

Tony, sexual abuse goes back generations for both of our families.  We have 7 children between us, 6 grandchildren along with a multitude of nieces and nephews.  It's because of the people that I love that I am determined to stop the cycle of abuse.  
 My niece came close to dying from overdosing on heroin a few weeks ago.  I know what you have written could help but I don't feel like I understand it enough for me to help her.
To summarize what it is exactly I am asking for.  I would like to ingrain your teachings into my core. I think you could help me and my husband to do that.  I also need some guidance on how to create a restorative justice program even though I have very little money presently.  I know its possible....I need to come up with a game plan.
So what you do you say, Mr Robbins?  Would you kindly help us? I know I am asking a lot and that helping sex offenders, especially publicly is risky business. We don't deserve your help, however we do have a vision.
Thanks for listening!  I can't wait to hear back from you. 

My Vision

As a frequent  and unwilling 3rd party guest of the judicial system, there are a few changes I would like made.
I would like it to be as much about rehabilitation as it is about punishment.  I would like more re entry programs for offenders and their families.

Since my husband served his full time, when he was last released, there was no re entry program or additional support for him when he came home.  We managed, but it tough.  We made a lot of decisions that in hind sight were rash and premature because of our desire to get going in life.  We had been trapped in limbo for so long that we were in a big hurry.  I wonder if some of the decisions we made played a part in where we are today.  We may never know.

If I was given a wishing star that allowed me to design a program to deal with offenders this is what I would create.  First off, my goal would be the long term success of each inmate and family members.  I would want people to successfully complete the program and know that they would go on to do wonderful things.  Can you imagine going to prison or being labeled a sex offender and coming out on the other side feeling more blessed than when you got into trouble?
So you are done with the trial and court proceedings.  The judge is determining the sentence.  Step one lets get a sentencing consultant involved. Have them interview the defendant and their family.  Find out what they think their weaknesses and strengths are. What are the contributing factors to the crime.  Help the judge come up with a sentence that fits the crime, but doesn't go over board on the punishment.
I think I would do a brain scan (spect scan to be exact) and have a specialist look at the results to determine if there is an underlying physical reason for the actions.  Do they have low activity in the prefrontal cortex?  Do they have  an over active limbic region on the brain?  Are there medications that can help normalize these areas? (Google Daniel G Amen, Change your brain, Change your life.  I controversial but I think definitely he is on the right track).  What if the solution is as simple as correcting brain chemistry and behavioral therapy.  Sort of like if your bone is broken, you reset it and then strength it with physical therapy.  While I know that is rather simplistic...maybe in some cases it is that simple.
 Depending on the length on the sentence and recommendations of the sentencing consultant, would determine the type of programs that would be requested that you participate in.  You have a choice.  If you don't want to participate in programs, then don't.  Its a free will program.
Together the sentencing consultant, defendant and family would meet and discuss what the outcomes/ goals are and how best to achieve them.   I would offer standard classes on drug and alcohol addiction, as well as offer family therapy.  I would do victim impact classes and have offenders think about impact their actions have had on others and themselves.
 Yearly, an intense workshop based on Anthony Robbins...seminars would be held.  Family and defendants would be invited to attend.  The goal would be to help them to focus on the developing their own personal power.
 I would have a financial planning program that is similar to Dave Ramsey's financial university program, but it would be tailored to addressing concerns most prevalent to those who are incarcerated or those who have  a loved one who is incarcerated.
Upon release I would create a safety net.  Each person who is leaving doc would be given several sponsors or coaches.  The goal would be that they have someone who is doing well and can guide and give advice to ex inmates and their families.  They would work with the inmate planning the discharge 1 year prior to leaving.  Getting them to think and plan for the future. They would give them a sounding board that hopefully would help reduce the incidence of rash decisions that are made.
 For sex offenders in CT, there isn't much support even in the way of half way houses because it's considered a violent crime.  I am not sure I like half way houses to begin with, because I really think family needs to be more involved when possible.     Still just the fact, that they don't have half way houses for sex offenders is just one more flaw in the re entry program.
I would have housing available to offenders and their families if they needed it.  Housing is an issue for sex offenders and their families because of the restrictions most states have on where they can live, who can live with them.  It doesn't have to be free housing, just housing that is available should they need it.  Housing where they can feel safe and the community can feel safe as well.  I would set up housing out in the country and then offer transportation to the suburbs for necessities and work until they were on their feet again.
I would loosen up the restrictions for what sex offenders can do with their families. I think they need to be able to go to the park with their children, if they have children.  I think they need to be able to go to school functions with their child. We are creating more problems in the long run by isolating the children of sex offenders because we make it so difficult for them to be a parent. Supervise these social events if the community feels its necessary, but stop the isolation.
I would make sure there are offender self support groups similar to AA and NA.   The first 2-3 years seem to be the most critical.  Perhaps there should be more support for ex prisoners during this time period, but not with the critical eye that is you mess up you are going back to prison that you get with  probation or parole.  The idea is to get people to make positive choices for positive reasons, not just because they are avoiding fear, unless of course that is the only way they can motivate themselves.
I would want ex prisoners and their  families to see a counselor who can monitor behaviors and thinking that might be leading them back in a direction that they really would like to avoid.  While it doesn't have to be free, it would be helpful if we could devise creative ways to make it accessible to people without them breaking the bank.
I think if things are free, people take them for granted.  Everything has a price to pay, but it doesn't always have to be in the form of money.
What I have described is something of what I would like to begin working for.  A sex offender prevention and treatment program designed by people who are not working for the criminal justice system, but whose interest is in making society a better place in general.  People who passionately want to see their loved ones succeed and those they love to be safe as well.  I think a program that is designed by sex offenders and their families along with incorporating universal laws and truths would be more effective than any government run program ever will be.

I hope if there is anyone who reads this who believes that change is possible for offenders and who would like to join forces, I hope you will make contact. " United we stand, divided we fall"