How do I?

"We are what we think.

All that we are arises

With our thoughts.

With our thoughts,

We make our world."

The Buddha

Come Christmas, it will have been two years since my family was split apart again.   My husband and I remain separated, not so much from desire to be apart, but mainly from his overwhelming desire to not go back to prison for any reason and my refusal to move our children out to where he is, knowing that eventually the inevitable will happen (he gets caught and goes back to jail).  I can't say I blame him for not wanting to go back.  Still....the longer he runs away from it, the longer we stay in limbo like this, the more likely this family will stay permanently fractured.
Situations like ours, are complicated and difficult to explain to the average person.  It's difficult to explain what goes on in your head.  What was black and white, say 15 years ago, isn't so crystal clear when you have been through hell once already and face the prospect of going through it again.
How do you explain to people, or even to yourself why you love someone who to so many people seems like scum.  (I hate that word....I don't believe anyone is scum... I just don't).  How do you explain to people that you love someone, but you don't know what is best for them, your family or for you?  How do you explain to others, that you want to move on, that you want to find someone new to love, but you don't know how to, because that other person is your best friend?  That other person knows you like no one else does. Love is not a water faucet that you can turn off and on at will.
 How can a person even think about getting involved with other people when ones life is so complicated?  I can just picture myself talking to some other man and having to explain to them.  I am married, but separated.  My husband is gone, but we talk still. He is a sex offender... I am lonely and want someone to ease that loneliness.  I am tired of managing my family on my own and would like some help.  I am sure that conversation would cause a man to run away as fast as they could.  Who wants that kind of complicated life?   This shows that I have a belief that men, people will reject me when I share the truth with them.  I think there is a belief in me that  most people don't like me, don't love me, won't accept me for who I am.  I have one person that does and so I hold onto that person like a drowning person holds on to a buoy.  Letting go of him, means being almost completely alone in the world. (I have my children and family, but it's not the same type of love that you get from a lover)
One reason that makes it so difficult to  end a relationship such as the one that we have is due to our belief systems.
 I believe that there are too many broken families in the world and that families are the bedrock of a healthy society.  I believe that families need to be nourished and made stronger instead of weaker.
We promised each other that we wouldn't get divorced.  I said I wouldn't make the first move, he said he wouldn't make the first move.  I promised my children I wouldn't divorce their father.  I promised him I would love him no matter what.  Promises like these are not meant to be broken.  I didn't cross my fingers when I made them.
 On the one hand I believe that marriage is for better and for worse, for richer, for poorer, through the good times, through the bad times.  I don't think I have a  real deal breaker for me.  I believe I was taught that the word divorce is not an option when you are married. I think I must really believe that love conquers all and that some how, some way we can get through this and come out better stronger people because of all these experiences.  I believe that we can break this cycle.  I believe we can help others keep from going through this situation or show them how to get through a situation like this, once we have gone through it.
 These beliefs conflict internally with the beliefs that I deserve better, that marriage shouldn't just mean complete loneliness and shame.
I want to be with my husband, but I believe that moving my children away from their brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, grandparents, school, friends, and all the other little things that we have that give our life stability is more important than being with their father.  I believe fathers are important and should be in their children's lives, which is why we visited him ever chance we had when he was in prison the first go around, but that this stigma of having a father who is a RSO is a huge cross for children and spouses to bear.  I think of him being back home and having to go back on the registry again in this state where we live currently.  I think of the difficulty of not letting my girls have friends come over here to hang out.  I think of that conversations that we would have to have with the school should he ever want to go to their school functions.  We have avoided these conversations with people, with schools.  How do you go and look someone in the eye and explain to them I am a sex offender? How do you explain that I love a sex offender without people thinking something is seriously wrong with you.  How do you stop caring what others think?   How do you explain to others your situation.  If you are like me, you don't, because I don't ,
can't face rejection.  I don't think he can either.  Instead I avoid. I avoid getting close to people.  He pretends to be something other than himself.   How do you keep your heart from getting broken when people reject you because of it.  For some of us, rejection is so very difficult to handle, that we will do almost anything to keep from feeling rejected. I think this has something to do with our values.  What is most important to you?  The things that are most important to us, we protect at all costs.
 I believe the harm that would come to them, our girls, emotionally to have him ripped out of their lives again when the past catches up with him is worse than living without him physically.
I believe that divorce hurts so many more people than just the two getting divorced.  It damages your family, his family, and your mutual friends,

I share some of my beliefs with you, to show how frozen we can be when we have conflicting beliefs.  We want to be together, but then again we really don't because of the pain that we now associate with being together as a family.  When we went through this the first time, we didn't have all these pain associations that we have now.  This is why our actions are different this time around.  We didn't have conflicting beliefs when we were fifteen years younger that we have now.  Like they say, once bitten, twice shy.
I believe that as long as our beliefs, continue to be in conflict, we will not have the resolution that we desire and we will all be stuck in this limbo.  I believe that by talking about this...in a place where I won't be rejected face to face, I can look at my beliefs and decide if they are beliefs that I should continue to believe in or should they be replaced.
What are your beliefs?  Do you know how your belief system shapes your actions?  Would you mind sharing?
Blessings....