A new start or running away..hmm

So many days, I feel crazy in my head.  I have a lot to figure out and don't know where to turn.  Often I can't figure out what it is that I should be doing.  I am tired tonight, so lets see how far I get.
Frankly, I am tired, tired of dealing with alcoholism, tired of being married to someone with the RSO label and how that makes me feel.  Tired, of not having a vacation, literally.  Tired, of being in debt.  I have been worn down by the constant emotional toil that life has taken.
I currently rent, but I know that my landlord wants to sell the house, and I know that I am not in a position to buy it.  I also fear that because I am now paying for health insurance, I will not be able to afford renting this house and will need to move.  The question is where to move.
Do I find a place around here to move into, so that my children can hopefully stay in the same school and have contact, however limited with their other brothers and sisters?  They also have aunts and uncles in the area.  Altogether, there is probably a good 20 family members around here between my family and my husband's family.  That is a major reason to stay.  They would like to stay in the same school as well.
 Chances are my husband will eventually return to the area, man up and face the court charges and quite possibly go back to jail.  He should stay in this state because if he does there is the possibility that he will come off the registry.  He is due to come off this June.  I don't know how it will play out since he has been running from his DUI, cps and the other stuff that he has been accused of , but currently not charged with.  Confusing, huh?  Is it better to stay here and deal with everything? 
I sometimes, get the strong desire to, lose my phone, pack up the kids and just leave this life behind, make a new start.  Can I really start over with all the baggage that  comes with being married and  having kids with a man?  It's a thought, but...would it be the best thing?. 
Still, when I daydream about moving, I think I would like to move to Houston, Texas area.  I have never been there; it sounds like an interesting area.  I like the idea of being where it's warm and near the ocean.  I love exploring new places.  The cost of housing, is cheaper than it is in the north east.  Texas has a stronger economy than this area and lots of jobs in my line of work.  Don't  you think, a new start, would be a good thing? 
My husband hates the idea of Texas because he believes that they are more apt to shoot you, or lock you up and throw away the key.  I don't think,it's a friendly state if you have a crimnal past.
Logically, the other place I should move to, would be near my job.  Ya, know, cut down on the commute, be home at a reasonable time.  It's still not so far away, that we couldn't visit family once in a while.  The big problem, is I am so freaking tired of NY state.  I can't wait to get away from it.  If my husband moves back to NY, even if after coming off the registry I think he would have to stay on the registry for another 20-30 years because we moved there while he was on the registry and got slammed with 20 additional years for NY state.  I think that that its totally unfair of how the states can tack on additional time when you have done your registry time in another state.  That definitely, needs to change.
I know a part of me, is wishing for a knight in white to come rescue me.  I know that is unrealistic.  I also know that realistically speaking, as much crap as I talk at times, I love my husband and can't see myself with anyone else.
The other big reason why I am so wracked with indecision is because I can't figure out, what does "God" (or whatever higher power there is) want me to?  Half the time, I am not sure there is a God.  If there is one, does he want me to continue to stay with a man who is so troubled or is he telling me to hit the road?  What "sign" is he giving me, that I am not listening to?  When bad things happen, is it just life and you roll with punches and carry on or is it something more than that?  Is there a purpose to his relapse?  They say everything happens for a reason. 
I was brought up to believe that when bad things happen, there are a few main reasons.  1) its caused by sin and or the devil.  If I did wrong, its because I gave into temptation.  2) if I am not being blessed, its because I am not doing something right, such as not paying tithe, not following God enough.  Now I don't confess to follow God, don't pay tithe, don't go to church.  Is all this stuff happening because I don't do such things.  I don't believe its the devil attacking me because I am messing up my life without his help pretty good.   I don't like using the belief in God, like a suger daddy.  If you follow him, then you get what you want.  That just doesn't seem right either.  3) One of the other reasons is that there is a purpose or reason.  God is trying to make you stronger for something else.  There is a lesson for your to learn.  If that is the reason, I am good with that too.  I just need to know what it is, I need to learn, so we can move on and get to the good stuff.
So today, my prayer is that if there is a god, please prepare me for your answer and remove whatever blinders that keep me from following the path I am supposed to take.  I don't think that I really mind what direction my life takes as long as its the path that I am supposed to be on.  I think that I would be perfectly fine to love my husband as long as that is the "right thing" to do. 
Like always, please feel to share.  How do you figure out what direction to take in your life?  How do you know you are on the "right path"? 
 

Prisoners of love: Some good food

Prisoners of love: Some good food: I know that I share a lot of negative crap.  I feel bad that what I share so often is negative or sad.  Unfortunately it is, what it is.  S...

Some good food

I know that I share a lot of negative crap.  I feel bad that what I share so often is negative or sad.  Unfortunately it is, what it is.  Some days it really seems like the glass is half empty. 
One thing good thing has come out of this situation.  I don't know how long it will last, but for now I will enjoy what I can.
When I was worried about putting food on my table because of having to pay for health insurance, so that cps cannot accuse me of not tending to my children's medical needs, I decided to call up a woman that I met last summer.  I met her and her husband at the local farmer's market.  They were selling csa shares.  CSA shares are local farmers that sell you portions of their crops.  Its a type of community agriculture.  I think it's a wonderful thing.  Some farms allow you to volunteer so that you can have access to the shares for a reduced price.  Now this particular couple were not able to offer that last year.  They do not have any government grants or funding helping them with their project.  They have what they are able to grow and then sell at the farmers market.  Last summer my husband and I bought a "share" in this program.  Every Saturday, we would go to the farmers market and pick up a box of fresh vegetables.  Some weeks we would have fresh potatoes and broccoli. Other weeks she would make home made bread and soups.  It was different every week.  Kind of like getting a care package every week and you never knew exactly what would be in it. 
It's not exactly the cheapest way to buy your vegetables, but it is probably the next best thing to being able to grow your own vegetables.  Let's face it, many of us are too busy doing other things to grow our own food.  Or you may live where growing your own food is impractical.  True, it's easy enough to go to the local grocery store and buy your fresh fruits and vegetables.  Nothing wrong with that, except that you don't know where your food is coming from, how it is grown and the money is going to a big corporation.  The other problem is if you are like me, when it comes to shopping, you get into a rut of buying the same thing over and over again.  You like corn, so you buy corn.  You like carrots, so you buy carrots. Rarely, do I venture out and buy things that I am not accustomed to.   When I got food from the csa program, I was given new foods.  Foods that I would not typically purchase for my family, like rutabagas, beets, and acorn squash.  Last summer, my children and I learned that fried beets taste good.  We also found that you can make radish chips.  Not that I did, but at least I thought about it.
Any way I called up Mrs. M and asked her if it would be possible to work out a way for my family to get fresh vegetables.  Would she mind if me and my girls would come work at her farm, helping plant crops and pick them in exchange for some of the produce.  It will help get us out of the house and outdoors, doing something productive.  Since I have no money to go anywhere now that my husband is gone and I have to pay for wicked expensive insurance, my girls and I are just sitting around the house sleeping and cleaning on the weekends.  They are watching anime 24/7 and I am reading books.  Not bad, but not great for the soul.  I was happy when she said yes, but then she went a step further than that.  She offered to come over during the week and help me prepare some meals ahead of time that can be eaten during the week.  This is fantastic because it gives me and my girls someone to interact with and breaks up the monotony of life.  It gives us something to look forward too.  For the first time in months my youngest child smiled and was happy.  She has been so sullen and angry since her dad has left.  It is heartbreaking because she was a energetic and  happy go lucky child.  Now she is becoming this stranger who finds comfort in the cold world of the Internet.  This situation has not helped my relationship with my children.  It has caused us to isolate and withdraw from each other.
The first time she was here, we made granola bars, soup, shepherds pie, meatballs, ham and scallop potato casserole.  The granola bars were a big hit with my oldest daughter and our dog as well.  My youngest daughter and I loved the soup.  You know, you can never go wrong with meatballs and spaghetti. 
This last week we made more granola bars, spicy cabbage soup (which is good for losing weight), bean and beef burritos,  yellow and green squash boats, eggplant parmigiana and pizza.  Her friendship and help these last two weeks have been a God send in helping to turn things around for me and the girls.  I can't say, that I am still not depressed at times.  I am.  I miss my husband so freakin much, that it hurts.  I want him back, but I know that I have to carry on and do right for my children.  I may not want to be present in life right now.  I may want to sleep and hide in a book, but I can't continue to do that.  It's time to face life on lifes' term and carry on.  It's things like friendship, a Higher power, a blog, the singing of birds, a good book, little things that help some of us to keep going.  These things are like food for the soul.
What keeps you going?  What brings peace to your heart when life has you twisted up inside?

I shouldn't be writing ....but I need to vent

I doubt that I should be blogging right now.  My heart truly is not in the right place.   I am blogging because I can't sleep. I can't get out of my head and I am sinking deeper into self pity.  I have spent the last hour and half trying to sleep and before that I was crying because things seem so desperate and unfair right now.  It's hard to feel optimistic when you feel trapped and like everything you love is slipping away.  Some of it is my own damn fault, some of it is because of my husband's actions and yet some of it is the actions of the state I live in.

Recap: My husband and I have been separated since Christmas 2012.  It's now going on 2 1/2 months.  Child Protective Services (cps) aka Department of children and families (dcf) came out the week after I asked him to leave and said he had to stay away until they say so.  He is gone, and on the run because he is scared.  Where he is I don't know, nor do I particularly want to know at this time.  The children have not seen him since their visit.
 We are a family, but only in the slightest sense presently.  It was easier when he was in jail because at least we could see him a couple times a week, if we wanted to.  I don't know if we would see him or not, but at least  it would be our decision to make, not somebody else deciding what we can do and can't do.
CPS came to visit again last week.  This time so they can begin their "treatment program."  They have decided that my husband is guilty of emotional negligence and the children are his victims and they must step in an "fix" this family.  What their treatment is going to consist of I don't know yet.  They haven't given me their "goals" yet.  What I do know is that at minimum they are going to visit the children and I weekly for the next 4 weeks and then 2x a month after that for 6 months.  If we are not meeting our goals or making adequate progress then they will contact the courts and take it to the next level.  Which I can only assume meaning they will begin the process of removing the children from the home. 
One of their goals already was that I obtain health insurance for us.  When this country first was founded there was no such thing as health insurance.  Life was a risk, so was your health.   While I have no disagreement with having health insurance.  I feel that it must be left up to the family to decide if it is appropriate.  For many families its a luxury they cannot afford.  I was able to get health insurance through my job, but it is going to cost me an 196.00 a week.  A 181 for the health insurance and 15 for dental insurance.  I had the choice to enroll in health insurance last year but I opted not to because financially it was too much.  I think it's cheaper to pay out of pocket when we need to see a doctor or a dentist if we need to.   We are not typically sick and when we do get sick, I try to use natural remedies or allow our bodies to heal themselves over time before running to see a doctor.  I think for the average family that has little health problems, a health insurance that is there for catastrophic purposes is more appropriate.  Sean Hannity and I are on the same page as far as our ideas go about health insurance.  A health savings account that would be available to everyone would be better than forcing people to pay for something they can't afford and may not ever need to use is foolish.  There is no reason why I should I pay 12,000 a year for an insurance plan when the most I may need to spend is 2,000.00 on medical expenses.  If this is a taste of what is coming with President's Obama's Healthcare plan, then we are in Trouble.  If anyone thinks that his national health care plan is  not going to affect you and your family and it will be easy to incorporate to you family finances, I have a feeling you will be disappointed.  One of my friends believes it is the goal of the government to have two classes of people, the rich and the poor.  The poor will be dependent of the government for all their needs.  The rich will be in control.  Scary thought....
What is your thought about health insurance?   How would you fix our heathcare system in this country?
 

A look at the past...which is stronger, nurture or nature?

My husbands father by adoption/uncle and his wife  as well as my step daughter and her boyfriend came over to visit last night.  My husband told his other children that my daughters have been lonely and feel like no one loves him since he left.  It was nice to have some visitors as the house has been very quiet since everyone left.  I know I wanted the drinking to stop and people to leave at a reasonable hour but wasn't looking for this drastic of a  solution.  Like they say be careful what you pray for.  It why for a long time, I didn't pray for anything when it concerns my husband and I because I generally don't like the answer.  I started praying again because the drinking and parties were getting out of control.   
The relationships on my husband's side are as twisted and mind boggling as any soap opera.  The truth is just as confusing.  Some days when I talk to his family, I feel like I should be taking notes so that I don't get things all mixed up..  Then again, they might ask why I am taking notes.  Do you think they would mind, if I wrote a book?  I don't know, some might be cool with it, others would probably be highly upset.  Not to mention, I am sure no one could agree on what was true or not. 
My husbands adopted step mother loves to talk and tell stories. Her stories are colorful and can be fascinating.   When you are with her, if you don't have much to say, then its perfect because she will do all the talking and she won't ask a lot of personal questions.  Instead all you have to do is listen, and listen and listen. 
Some of the stories she shares though hits home, how  addictions and sexual issues have permeated this family for generations, going back to the great grandmother on my husbands side. 
Just a little family tree on my husbands side.  When he was born, his mother was young, had no job and no husband.  She had a young child already, whose father apparently had died.  She was living with her parents.  Her dad told her "I am not raising another one of your children, either get a job and your own place to live and keep this child or give it up."  I guess my mother in law didn't really feel like she had much choice as she had no job skills and therefore no way of caring for this second child.  So the family decided the best thing for my husband would be for her brother to adopt him.  At least he would be raised by family.  They wouldn't tell him he was adopted, and his mother would be his aunt.  So that's what happened.  His uncle and his wife adopted him.  Then that marriage fell apart and they both remarried.  His adopted mom kept him instead of his uncle.
  His biological dad had been told that the baby had been miscarried.  Now whether his birth mother told his biological dad this or whether his aunt told his dad this is somewhat unclear.  According to his adopted step mom his aunt wrote his biological dad telling him that his birth mother was no longer pregnant, she had lost the baby, so it was no sense in coming back to town to marry her.  His biological dad also was expecting another baby or had a baby with some other women during this time.  Who that was or who that child is, I don't think anyone in the family knows. 
What a sad way to start life.  A dad who doesn't know you exist, a mom who is unable to care for you.  Given away, only to have that family split and a new family started.  It seems to me that as far as my husband goes, the odds have been stacked against him from the day he was conceived.
There were seven sibling I believe on his mothers side.  Six girls and one boy.  His mom and one of his aunts has passed away.  From what I am told the sisters of his family had quite the reputation.  They were pretty, friendly and willing, if you know what I mean.  Some people like to say that one of the sisters has slept with with every man in three counties. Granted, this opinion comes because that particular sister had an affair with somebody's hsuband at that time.  So the resentment and bitterness may cloud the story a bit.  
It's not surprising that these girls were wild and loose though, because then you hear how their father like to spend his time at the local bars and was known for being a "touchy feely kind of man."  "Lucky" for him and apparently his brothers, they lived in a day and age where such behavior was tolerated.  Its rumored that one of his brothers didn't care what age you were, you could be old or you could be young.   People whispered stories, but no one ever did anything.   Now in this day and age, this type of stuff will get you locked up for good or at least on a registry for life. 
 I didn't know any of this until after I had my own children.  At the time, when I met my husband, if you had told me this stuff,  I  still probably wouldn't have given two thoughts about these stories.  That's all they would be to me stories about other people.  I would never have thought about the implications they might have for my children.  I wouldn't  have said "Hey, wait a moment, if his family has these issues, he might have the same issues."  Now I wonder about the genetic component.  I kick myself for not realizing that where he comes from will affect who he is, even if he was raised differently. I wonder about nature versus nurture.  Can a loving nurturing environment over come genetic predispostion?   Will my own children carry the same legacy of not being truthful, of looking for love by sleeping with anyone who shows them some attention?  Based on the past,and the present nightmare that we are living, I am concerned, that it is highly possible. I am optimistic that it doesn't have to be that way, though.  I think that we can change the outcome if we are willing to talk about the past honestly without judgement and fear.  (check out the website sexualfuterist.com. I think they are on to something about honestly talking about sex)
Maybe by learning about the past, we can begin to figure out what steps to take to avoid the same future mistakes. Just maybe, if other people begin to open up about their family histories, we will see that, these stories I am sharing here, on not much different for other people.  Just maybe, we as a country will see that the registry is not going to protect us since most molestation happens from a family member or friend of the family.  Just maybe, we will see that its not that people are evil or predators, but instead have been broken for generations and need healing more than they need judgment and isolation.  I want to break the cycle of shame and abuse more than I want to be rich or have the perfect American life.  I want healing for my husband, his family, our family.  I want to find answers so that other families can find healing and peace.  I don't want to see other children growing up with the shame that my children are growing with right now. 
What about you?  Why are you reading this blog?  Is it because you have your story and are looking for answers?  What have you learned from your own life experiences?  What struggles are you going through?  Please feel free to share. Thank you for stopping by.  

What is the big difference?

I recently learned that my art teacher from kindegarten/first grade days has finally retired.  Thank goodness, as far as I am concerned she retired about 20 years to late.  I think she should've quit teaching art before I had the displeasure of ever being a student of hers.  I remember her clearly even though its been many years since I have seen her.  she was this big hulk of a teacher, with long black hair with streaks of gray.  I remember seeing her sit behind her black desk, with her boobs resting on the desk.  If you are a women, you know what I mean.  Sometimes it nice to just sit and rest your boobs and let something else support them because they are so heavy and cumbersome.  She used to do that a lot. 
When I was younger I was a bit shy and reserved, not much different than I am today,  hmm that is a surprise.  I was easily intimidated.  Hmm, not much has changed in that regards either. One day she was giving us instructions and I didn't understand what we were to do, so I did it wrong.  When she found out she told me I was stupid and the most untalented art student she had ever had.  That just about crushed me.  She may have been right, and the truth cut me to the core.  I believed her and to this day, I cannot paint or draw to save my life.  Even my stick figures are ugly and crooked.   I hate art class, I resented her and I never wanted to ever be in her class again.  I was very happy and relieved when my mother took me out of public school and put me in a small private church school. I shudder to think of how low my self esteem would be if I went to that public school for my whole childhood. If you think its' low now, what would it had been after 10 years of that kind of nonsence.
Fast forward 20 years later, I am raising my own family and have my own children.  My youngest daughter, since her dad was forced to leave us by cps, has been sad, angry, withdrawing, sassy, and just plain negative.  Its heartbreaking because she is usually loving, funny as heck, easy going and level headed.  Alot of her behavior I attribute to what we are going through as a family.  Some of it though I think is from school.  There is a boy there who for one reason or another has decided to pick on her.  Now I don't know if its because he likes her so he has to be obnoxious.  They are in 3rd grade .... Any how last night she was going on about how she didn't want to wear a jacket out side because a coat doesn't look right on her body and how she is so ugly.  Ugly is the last word I would use to describe her.  She takes after her dad and looks a little like the pocahantus from the disney movie.  It seems like he thinks she is ugly and she believes him.  Why we believe only the negative crap that other people say to us is beyond me, but most of us do.
Then I think back to the supposed worse events in my life, the ones that I imagine the counselors would say I am in denial about.  The ones that have made me whatever it is that I am today. The molestation I went through as a child.  When I was five and six I didn't have many friends that I remember.  I didn't live in a neighborhood where other kids were.  I am seven years younger than my sister because I was an "accident".   I didn't fit in school.  I wasn't exactly picked on by other kids, more or less ignored.  Can't say much as changed in that regards. 
In the small Protestent church I went to, there was a boy there, he was six years older than me. He had dark black hair and red cheeks.  His cheeks always looked red, but would get even brighter red when he was mad.
  He used to come and play with me after school.  We would play with matchbox cars in the mud, and he would push me around in a wagon, really fast.  I would steer it as we zoomed all over the yard.  In the winter we would go sledding.  He would make jumps or we would go over big rocks and fly through the air.  I had a lot of fun hanging out with him and since he was older, that made it even better. He was "cool" in my mind.   I don't think we did a lot of talking, just playing.  Sometimes I would go over to his house and we would watch fraggle rock or play some archiac video game.  This is the early eighties so we didn't have much for video games. 
I don't remember exact dates about what happened.  It all just seems to blur together.  I think one summer day we were bored and he wanted to go across the street where an old barn was.  I believe this barn used to be a part of a camp for kids, but I don't know  for sure.  It was abanoned.  I remember in the lower part of the barn, the basement like area, had  porn magazines down there.  My sister and brother showed me one time. 
I knew that I was not allowed to cross the road, that was off limits, but I let him talk me into it.  "Its  okay, you won't get into trouble, I will look out for you, your parents won't mind because you are with me."  So I went with him and that was when he did something, but whatever it was I don't recall because I blocked it out.  I remember him zipping up his pants and telling me to zip up my pants.  Nothing happened after that, we went home and played some more.  I was uncomfortable about the situation and curious about how I could "float away in my head" when something happened that I didn't like.  I find that fascinating. 
Time went by.  We never talked about that day or anything.  Winter came around, and he started to ask me to kiss him.  It was something I didn't want to do. I was never much of a kisser or a hugger growing up.  For what ever reason, I have always  had trouble showing affection for others.  Not that I didn't want to be able to give hugs and be loving, it has always been hard for me. Just like I would like to be friendly and outgoing but my fear stops me.  My fear keeps me from showing affection as well.  So him wanting kisses may have been an innocent thing.  I don't know.  It was nothing major, he just wanted little kisses on the cheek.  At first I gave them to him, but then he wanted more and he wouldn't let me go inside until I had given him a kiss.  One day I was cold and wanted to go inside and he was saying no you have to kiss me first.  I saw his mother and told her.  "he wont let me go inside unless I kiss him, tell him to stop, its not fun anymore."  Well that was the end of that friendship.  I don't know what kind of trouble he got in.  I don't know what happened, just he stopped coming over to play and afterwards he didn't have much to do with me, even when my parents started to send me to the same one roomed church school that he was in already.  I didn't understand why he stopped liking me. 
What I do remember is when I was in the third grade (that's when I switched from public school to the church school) he kept getting into trouble a lot that year.  The teacher would make misbehaving students do "air chairs" and not just for a few minutes but 30 mins to an hour.  That was probably a pretty painful punishment.  Sometimes he would also draw a circle on the chalk board and you had to stand on your tiptoes and keep your nose in that circle. I never had to be punished so I don't kow what it was like.  Finally one day he got fed up with the punishments and he climbed out the bathroom window.   I was pretty impressed how he managed to make it to the tree outside the window and escape, without getting hurt.  I never saw him or his mother again after that.  I believe the school board expelled him.  Years later just after my daughter was born I saw him again briefly.  I didn't say much to him because I was resentful that my husband was in jail for a sexual offense that was less than the stuff that I imagined happened to me and here he was at my sisters house like nothing ever happened. 
Some interesting similiarities between him and my husband.  They both have black hair.  They both were adopted and they both have been accused of sexual misconduct at some point in their lives.  They both showed me love and friendship and filled a void in my life.
So what happening had more impact on my life?  The art teacher or my childhood friend?  What hurt the most?  I can tell you that the art teacher is someone that I have disliked ever since that day in her classroom.  I am still angry about how she treated me.   My childhood friend, I am torn about.  I don't like what he did, but I regret how it ended.  I wish in retrospect that some adult could have seen that he needed help and knew what kind of help would be best for him.  I wish we had stayed friends at least for a little bit longer.  I wish I could talk to him today about what happened and ask why he did it, and why he stopped being my friend.   

Fairy tale love, what is that?

Most of the times I don't consider myself cold hearted or even a very bitchy.  Jealous...well that's a different story.  I do believe there are those who may disagree and probably do consider me a heartless, selfish, jealous, mean bitch when it comes to my husband.  I feel like people who don't know me and my husband when they see us together, probably wonder what is such a handsome man doing with such an ugly plain boring woman.   No, I am not saying that I am truly ugly, just plain and understated, average.  You would have too look twice to see that I am pretty in my own right.  You would have to take time to get to know me, before you would find out that there is more to me than you see on the surface.  (yes, I am aware that I need my head examined because I suffer from low self esteem and I need to correct this.. blah, blah blah)
My husband on the other hand, is the type of man, that women notice, and notice a lot.  Maybe it's because he is flirt and not afraid to make eye contact with others and then give them a big smile. When he is at his most  charming, he will make you feel like there is no one in the world for him but you.  He has the ability to sweep a woman off her feet.  Too bad reality is a bitch.
 He has always been blessed to have a body that attracts attention as well.I won't go into detail....but he has the most beautiful lips and his backside is nice too.   What people don't know is that behind the smiles and come hither eyes is a man who is insecure and worries way too much what other people think about him.  He carries with him a fear that people if they know the real him,  they will not like him.  So getting to know the real man, sometimes can be difficult.  I have been with him for 14 years and some days he still is a mystery to me.
I feel like I get judged a lot by other women because they feel I don't love my husband enough, show him enough attention, do enough for him, sometimes I am mean and nasty and it goes on an on.  My response to them...walk in my shoes and lets see if you last as long as I have.  Lets see how your love holds out.   Love someone who has been in and out of prison, is on the registry, has problems telling the truth, and is admittedly an alcoholic and drug addict.  Personally, I think sex addict should be added to the list.  Try to love someone and have your heart broken what feels to be a hundred times and see how hard it is to be loving and kind.  Tell me what disappointment does to your heart.  At least for me, the pain has changed me.  I feel like if you could take my figurative heart/love out of my body you would see it is scarred and has become tough and leathery.  A hurt heart does not love like an undamaged heart.  Whereas 14 years ago, when our love was young and fresh, I was ready to climb mountains and take on the world because I loved him so much.  In some ways, I have climbed mountains and do take on the world because I love him.  I'm just not as open about it.  I am not as easy on him as I was in the past because I don't see him with the rose colored glasses of young love.  Loving him is as they say for better or worse, in sickness and health...has been for many years for worse, and in sickness.  I think we had three months of beautiful, uncomplicated love.  After that the truth began to emerge and nothing has ever been the same.
Recently, he told me about how this woman from FB realized he was separated from me and called him, wanting to know if he would like to become "better acquainted".  I can tell you that I am jealous when other women make passes at him. It hurts. Not only can't I trust my husband completely, but I also can't trust other women.  I also think that as women we are too quick to get involved before we really know a person. 
 My husband knows he is free to go and be with someone else, if he doesn't want to be with me.  "Don't let the door hit you on the way out".  I promised him I would love him and be there for him, which I try to do to the best of my ability, but I am not such a glutton for punishment that I wouldn't let him go if that's what he wanted.  
I know when I get talking like this, people have got to wonder why do I stay if I sound so miserable.  Well, that is complicated in itself too.  My misery is only partial, other days I have the most beautiful life/husband/family.  We promised each other we would stay and love each other through "No matter what."  We are trying to keep that promise, though sometimes it feels way too hard.  I also know that for all his faults I have a good husband who loves me.  Granted his love is complicated and we don't live or love in a fairy tale fashion, but I believe its genuine.  I also believe that we all have our imperfections and inadequacies.  I know that I am not the perfect wife, far from it.  I don't dress or look like a Stepford wife.  I don't keep a perfect house, nor do I care to cook.  I don't have a body to die for.  (I wonder how come Hollywood marriages don't  last when they seem to have everything a person could want, money, looks, personality)  There is a long laundry list that I could name that makes loving me difficult.  I am pretty sure that we are all that way.  We all have good traits and bad traits.  None of us is perfect.  So whom am I to cast stones at anyone?
My husband for one, when he is around, does a majority of the housework.  We will clean the house together, but since he is faster, he ends up doing more.  He will cook meals and we all eat as a family.  Since he has left, rarely do the girls and sit down and eat as a family.  I think one reason is that its painful and too quiet.  When he is here, I know I feel safer.  Life though challenging, didn't seem quite some overwhelming.  Now that he is gone, it seems like one thing after the other keeps going wrong.  He would do little things that are easy to over look, but you miss when you no longer have them.  Having gone ten years with him gone, and then having him back again, I can tell you that I love having someone in the bed next to me to cuddle up next too, especially when you start to feel lonely.  It's one reason I would not want to marry a truck driver or a traveling salesman.
He may not have always given me as much attention as I craved, but I do know he gave me more attention than some husbands give their wives, whether it was talking with me, helping me, or desiring me or giving me permission to take care of my needs.  Something that I was taught not to do growing up. 
  He has been my for the most part my only friend for the last 14 years, though I am starting to develop other friendships.   I think that our friendship is the biggest thing that maybe keeps us together.  We love each other, we have each others back when no one else would and we have been best friends. 
There is an an analogy in the Al- Anon rooms, that if life was like a backpack and we could all put our backpacks in a pile and then go choose a backpack from that big pile, that most of us would end up choosing the same backpack.  I think that for me there is a truth to that.  I know our life is hard and some days overwhelming difficult, but I don't think I would trade it for any other life.
Sure some days, I would love that life on the beach, soaking up the sun.  Sure I think I would love to have a life with a butler and a maid, but what would the trade off be?  Would I have a husband who was gone all the time?  Maybe my husband wouldn't want me because he could have some young thing that reminded him of his youth.  Maybe another husband would shame me or push me around.  Maybe we would love each other and then I would lose him in some tragic accident.
 Just the children I have with him are a blessing.  I don't know how or why we were blessed with the girls we have.  They amaze me beyond words.  I can't imagine a better gift than the children we have been given and that includes my step children.  Despite having parents that come with a lot of baggage, all these children have hearts that are as open and loving as the warm summer sun.
So do you see, that there are just as many reasons to stay as there are to go?  So far I can't picture myself with another man.  I can't picture being able to love another man as much as I love my husband and visa versa.  Though I do believe a man could love me, it wouldn't be the same.  What if he was controlling or wanted a perfectly clean house?  What if he was uptight?    What if he had the same problems as my husband, then I would be jumping from the pot into the fire.  So for today, I stay with what I know.  If it's not meant to be, then I am sure it will change.  Life has a way of working itself out.
What about you?  What struggles do you face in your life or relationships?  What have you learned?  Why do you stay?  Why did you leave?  I know that as unique as my situation is, that its not completely unique and there are plenty of people in the world who can relate in some way or another to what I am going through.