Self Destructive Behavior

The first thing I read this morning was the story about country singer Mindy McCready committing suicide.  I love country music, because so often its about  every day life.
Mindy's life on the news for last 8 years its seems has not been about her music, but about her drug and alcohol problems.  I am sure most of the news articles written today are going to do a time line of her legal and personal woes.  It's sad that this will our main focus.  We don't really know what she was like a person.  We know she was beautiful on the outside and a talented singer, but what else do we know. Was she gentle?  Did she have a mean sense of humor?  Was she a good mom?   We know that as far as the news media goes she couldn't really get her act together over the years.  Why is this?  Why do some people struggle and struggle, only to keep repeating behaviours and patterns that hurt themselves and the ones who love them?
I seem to ask myself this question a lot, as I watch my husband struggle.  Why does he repeatedly shoot himself in the foot?  As you know, I don't mean literally, at least not yet.  Maybe since he can't have a gun he hasn't done that.  
It seems like he gets in trouble, and then he does something that makes the trouble he is in even worse.  I don't know if somewhere someone wrote a recipe for disaster in his DNA code.  It seems like they did.  Even this last time around, what started off as a simple DUI, seems to be morphing into some out of control avalanche that is going to crush our family.  He says he's trying to do the right thing so he can be home with us, and I believe him, but either he has the worst luck of any person I have known, or subconsciously he makes really questionable decisions or maybe fate has a familiar/different plan for him/us then the one we want.  I don't really know.  Only time knows the answer.
I think it goes back to the abuse he went through as a child.  I don't believe you can blame all your actions on your child hood and the trauma you went through. As adults we need to take responsibility for the choices we make.  I think you need to look back and start to  try to understand why you do the the things you do, and then make conscious choices to change your actions.   Even when you are finally able to start understanding your past and how it has shaped who you are, it doesn't mean that you will be at a spot where you can make changes right away. 
 I can only imagine how growing up being caller nigger because your skin was darker than everyone else's would make a child think that there was something wrong with them.  Then when he did things that children do, such as reach out an open window and grab a bush when they were in the car driving down the road.  He did this one time and he hurt his arm pretty bad.  It wasn't bad enough that he got hurt by what he did, but he got a beating afterwards. I could never understand that.  Too me, the getting hurt was enough punishment, but apparently his step father didn't think so. 
These are two little examples of how life was for him on a daily basis, but I think its enough to begin to understand, why he may hate himself on a subconscious level.  Its the only thing that makes sense to me, we hurt ourselves because we don't think we are worthy of anything but hurt and pain.  We hate who we are.
  Even when you know you shouldn't hate yourself, but you really do.  I find getting my head and my heart to be on the same page is a difficult thing.  Isn't that why so many times people do the very things they know they shouldn't.  Their logical mind tells them not too, but something else inside them compels them to do it anyways.
Logic tells me that if a person suffered years of abuse as a child, the journey to healing is not going to happen over night.  It will take time, maybe lots of time to undo the damage that was done.  I guess the real question is, can the damage be completely undone?  Are there some people who were so damaged that there is no hope for them?  How do you tell when a person is beyond help?  How do you know when you yourself are beyond help?
The next set of questions, how does a person stop hating themselves?  How do they stop the self destructive behaviour once it starts? 
I think finding the answers would be important for everyone because I am sure all of us on some level have self destructive behaviours.  I know I do, maybe not as pronounced as my husband or other people, but its self destructive just the same.
I think that there are probably lots of answers our there.  I know that for some people the answer is found in what they call the three A's.  I learned about these in Al anon.  Awareness, Acceptance and Action.  You have to become aware of what it is that you are doing that is destructive, maybe even become aware of why you do the things you do.  Once you are aware and have some understanding then you can begin to accept.  I think (I may be wrong) that I read in a Native American book that often times, the conflict we have in life is because our real lives don't match what our internal ideas about what our life should be.  When they don't match, then you are in turmoil.  What you have to do is accept how your life is.  Once you accept it and make peace with it, you can then begin to take action. 
For myself, I often try to take action first.  I don't want to know what is causing my pain or how I got to this place in the first place, I only want to make it STOP!  However that only works for the short term usually.  It doesn't fix the underlying issues of why it happened in the first place.  That is why action in the 3 A's comes in last.  It's about getting a clear head and making choices with a level headed approach instead of knee jerk reaction.
Please feel free to comment, share your insight or whatever is on your heart or mind, if you would like to.  I believe, the more we share what the truth about our lives that we will find the answers we need for healing ourselves, our loved ones and maybe even our world.
 

Day 42 on my own, just some thoughts....

I had so many things I have wanted write about over the last few days, health insurance, the blame game, jealousy, the legal system to name a few.  Now I don't even know what to write.  I am blocked up.  Its been a little bit of an emotional roller coaster.  Though, sometimes I think life is a constant roller coaster with ups and downs, loop de loops, slow spells, hang on for dear life speeds, caves full of darkness and monsters and then these beautiful take your breath away highs that are gone in a flash.
This weekend we had the big snow storm of the season.  Even though we were in the midst of the storm, my family and I weren't too affected by it.  We didn't lose power but for a few seconds.  The snow though deep was not a heavy wet snow in our area, which makes it easier to manage.  I guess there are things we can be grateful for.  The weather forcasters in our area were just about 12 hours off on when they predicted the storm to start.  That meant the kids didn't have school....I don't really like it when they cancel school and then there isn't any bad weather.  It would have been especially upsetting if I had stayed home from work because of the storm.  That was a big concern, I work 60+ miles from my house and I didn't want to get stuck away from home.  People were encouraging me to not go to work. I am glad that I didn't listen this time.
It's been about a month and 13 days since my husband separated, first by my request, then cps made it official.  Still don't know where that is going....I definitely don't like them involved in my affairs.  I have been checking into the state health insurance plan, like they requested.  I don't see how I can afford an extra 600.00 a month when I can barely afford rent,utilities, car payments and food.  Its one of those catch 22.  You are damned if you do, you are damned if you don't.  See this is how I look at it.  Maslow's hierarchy of human needs:  Shelter and food are the most basic and important priorities, which is why they form the base of the pyramid.(  If I get health insurance and counseling like they demand then our basic needs are going jeopardized.   If I take time off during the week for counseling then my job is in jeopardy, which again puts the ability to take care of our basic needs at risk.  Personally I think that the government wants us to be dependent on them so we can be better controlled. Oooh, listen to the paranoia. 
  Then comes safety, something that is in short supply of late.  The main reasons for not feeling safe.  1) Fear of cps and authorities and what they are going to do to my family 2) Apprehension of my neighbor think and might do because my husband is an rso.  They are afraid of him and we are just as afraid of them.  Isn't that ironic.  3) Being alone without my husband.  I know that they say women don't need men, but I think this thinking has led us to a throw away society.  I know I can survive without a man, but living isn't as good.  Even with my husbands drinking, our standard of living has gone down since he left 4)Finding a possum strung up in the bushes, knowing he didn't put himself there and knowing it is highly unlikely my dogs  threw him up into bushes like that, makes me wonder why someone put that there.  Is it a message or something?  It's not like we feel wanted in our neighborhood, we don't make as much money as most people in this area and like I said, my husband is an rso and everyone knows it from the school officials to those on our block.  It's a small affluent town and clearly we don't belong.  I don't know what ever made us think we could go unnoticed here.  We only moved here so we could complete the registry and things have fallen apart rather quickly.
After the basic needs and safety are taken care of, comes love and acceptance.  If love and acceptance is such a big thing for humans to obtain, then why are people who have been punished for there crimes continually punished by withholding employment and acceptance by main stream society.  How can we reintegrate into society when we are shunned?  How can we stop the behaviors that got us into trouble in the first place when there is so little acceptance?  I have wondered and wondered about this over the years.  By constant shunning and shaming others, are we not just inviting more trouble and acting out?  Isn't part of the problem for many people who are incarcerated that they are deficit in some areas such as education, social skills, and family?  How can they develop the self esteem needed if we deny them but the very basics needed for survival.  It's not even about becoming all they can be as a person, but at least meeting the basic needs so that they have a chance of actually living. 



 

My experience with our judicial system.

15 years ago if you asked me about our judicial system, I would have told you that I thought it was a fair and just process.  I didn't have any complaints at that time.  How could I, the most I knew was what I learned in our school books and from the news.  Well, that all changed in the summer of 1999, when my then fiance, now husband got himself into the worse trouble yet.
I came home to find that my fiance had run off because of an incident at my parents house.  Everyone was crying and was upset.  The police were there with their dogs searching for him.  I gave  them a sweatshirt so they could try to track him down.  It was like something you see in a movie.  It ended up that they couldn't find him because when he crossed over a river that ran near our house, the dogs lost his scent.  I think I remember him telling me how he hid and watched the police search for him.  He then spent the night walking to a place that we both hung out at time to time when we wanted someplace private and quiet to go to.  I was there, not waiting for him, but had gone there trying to sort out my thoughts when he showed up. 
We talked things out, and made a decision to try and work things out for the baby's sake.  We decided that since his days being free were numbered we would spend a couple of last days together.  So I called out from work and we went to the Catskills.  On the way, we recorded stories and notes on a tape recorder for our unborn child, telling him or her how much we loved them and how sorry we were for getting ourselves into such a mess.  I think I still have the tapes somewhere.   We tried to make the best out of the last few days, a few memories to last us through whatever was in store.  In then end, he asked me to drop him off and let him go camping for one week and then he would turn himself in.  He wanted to spend some time getting up his courage and doing some soul searching.  So I did, not knowing it would be the last time I saw him as a free man for a very long time. 
A few days later the police came to where I was living asking questions, trying to track him down.  They told me, what I know now as police BS," it's okay, he won't be in much trouble, we just need to have him turn himself in, this case will amount to nothing, maybe  a year in jail.  It wasn't that major."  So even though I told them he was going to turn himself in, I didn't want to lie to the police about where he was, so I told them about where I dropped him off and that I would pick him up and  have him turn himself in. 
I don't know how things exactly went down on the day I drove up there to pick him up.  I imagine they followed me and then phoned ahead to the local law enforcement so someone would be there when he came off of the mountain.   This was before cellphones were popular so we didn't have  a way to communicate.  I know that when I got there, I saw his face in the police cruiser as they drove away.  He was so sad looking, it broke my heart once again.
 He was taken to a local police station and then eventually handed over to the originating state police.  Took about a week or so for all this to to take place. I don't remember if he was able to make phone calls on a regular basis from where he was at.  I do remember going back to pick up some of his belongings.
At some point he talked me into obtaining a lawyer for him.  He didn't want a public defender because apparently paid lawyers are supposed to be so much better.  I don't know about that.  Maybe if you are rich, they do more for you.  It certainly didn't appear to help in our case.  I eventually found a lawyer I could afford.  I met with him and told him the story.  I remember little bells going off in my head, as he was saying he would take the case, but that he had a daughter...  When he asked me if I thought he was guilty, I said of course, why would so and so lie?  I guess that sealed his fate there as far as the lawyer was concerned.  The case was done and over with, there would be no sense in going to trial where he would be found guilty.
 At this point in my life, whether he was guilty or not wasn't important.  What was important was that, he be punished appropriately and that everyone get some type of help.  I really thought our justice system cared and wanted to stop the cycle of abuse.  I didn't realize at that time that its a revolving door and that those who enter it are the bread and butter for the state.  Now I feel that our judicial system and correctional system is not about helping people, but about making money, as well as creating jobs and services.
I should have listened to the alarms going off in my head as I handed that lawyer my hard earned money.  He wasn't going to be objective enough to help.  I have problem of saying No...so I didn't say anything but left with a heavy heart feeling that I had made a mistake.  I don't think I ever really saw him again.  We spoke once on the phone when he finally called me back to scold me for sending him a letter complaining about his service and how they were doing very little to help us.  He sent another lawyer in his place to all the court hearings.  Ironically, this associate lawyer eventually would have his own legal problems because he would represent you for a reduce price if you would have sex with him.  I found this out when the local public defender's office referred me to him because we don't qualify for legal assistance, since we are married and I make too much money, but not enough to pay for a lawyer.  I googled the lawyers name and surprise, surprise look at what you find.  Ha, Ha, Ha, joke is on us.  We wouldn't hire him if he was the last lawyer on earth, after what happened.  We would rather just go to court on our own,
I went to all the court hearings, sat on those hard seats, my nerves on edge, my heart hurting to see him shackled up, wearing those orange jumpsuits that made me cringe.  I think the shackles are the worse thing to see.  When the D.A and the lawyer reached an agreement, and he decided to plead guilty. (I don't remember what the original plea deal was anymore) My dad and I were allowed to say something on his behalf which we did.  I wonder to this day, if that was a mistake and did more harm than good.  The D.A made a comment about it" all being a pipe dream".  Then the judge threw out the plea agreement and made up his own sentence, 10 years, suspended after 4 with 30 years probation.  30 years probation?  That's a sure sentence to go back to jail, considering that any infraction at all, even jaywalking could land you back behind the walls.   I think that's when I began to truly see that the court system does what it wants.
The one thing I asked our lawyer to do,  was that the court system give us permission to be a family again when he got out.  That was my main concern.  Let him come home to us, I know he can be a good father and husband.  So he got that much for us.  Little did I know that it was just words on paper.
As far as I know, the victim advocate never got counseling for the victim.  Never requested any family counseling even though this was a crime that affected everyone in our family.  This I think is a big mistake because so often sex crimes are done by a family or friend and the ripple effect is felt by many.  Personally, I don't think they care.  The legal system seems to be a game and a bunch of power plays.  Its not about if you are innocent or guilty but can you outwit your opposition?
He was remanded back to DOC, and for the next 4 years, we went about our lives.  He learned to live behind walls, I learned how to be a mother and support our child without him home with us.  Life keeps moving on.  For those of you, who love someone behind the walls, you probably know what its like for the days to drag on and on.  You try to stay busy so you are not thinking about how lonely you are, but the loneliness is there, sort of a black cloud that is just there, lingering.  Even when you have beautiful, wonderful days, they are not completely perfect because the one  you love is away. We are in a prison as much as the one we love.  I lived each day so I could go to bed and be done with that day.  Each finished day, meant he was one day closer to coming home.
 During his time incarcerated, we tried to get help, like having him go to a prison that offered counseling for sex offenders.  Do you think that happened?  Nooo.  I even hired a sentence specialist.  He was  nice to talk with and very earnest at what he did, but again nothing helped.  Eventually he was released and sent back to NY to finish out his time for the DUI that he got.  The one, that we decided to leave rehab and just live on the lam?  Yep, the law never forgets.
It seemed like everything we tried to do, just backfired.  When he was finally released from NY and we were sure we could start our lives over again,..we got more bad news.  His probation officer was not going to let him come home and live with us.  That guy was a real piece of work.  In fact, he put some vague limits on how often we were allowed to be together.  So like I said earlier, it doesn't matter what the judge says, when you are on probation, the probation officer rules, he is your god, and judge.    Oh my God. Would this nightmare never end?  All we wanted to do was be a family.  By this time we had gotten married while he was in jail.
So during the next 2 years that he was free, he spent his time living in motels, and working for day labor jobs.  We would get together here and there when we could, but he was always afraid of spending too much time with us and that they  would send him back to jail. We spent enough alone time to get pregnant and have our second daughter together.  He was able to be there for her birth, something he missed with our first daughter.
 Some days it seemed like he was happier in jail. Many times before he had to meet with his p.o, he would complain of chest pain because he was so anxious.   Eventually, he started using crack again and was sent back to jail.  This time he decided to finish out his time because he knew that he would never make it with 30 years probation.  So that is what he did.   
When he came home this last time, things were much better, he didn't have probation hanging over his head.  The only thing he had to worry about was the rso registry for another few more years., which in its self is a whole other thing. 
We decided to move to NY to be closer to my parents and because we thought we had a better chance of making a goal of our dream of a self supporting farm that also offered second chances  to those whose lives had taken a wrong turn.  Land is cheaper out where my parents live, much so than we are presently.  I may have mentioned this in one of the other blogs, but when you are on the registry, you have to be careful about where you move to, because your time on the registry may start all over again or they may tack more time than what you had originally.  Some states have told me that even if you are off the registry in the originating state, they will  make you register there.  In our experience we were not told this until we had already moved up there and it was too late to move back.  It's not like we had a lot of money to work with, only what little bit I could save up from working.  As many people who have been in the system can attest to, finding work when  you have a criminal record can be exceedingly difficult, especially if your are trying to be a law abiding citizen. 
This extra 20 years of being on the registry ate at my husband.  He felt lied to and tricked.  Had he been told upfront what to expect, he wouldn't have moved.  I have to wonder what part this played in his relapse.  Maybe nothing or maybe its part of the trigger.  I don't have the answers to that question and maybe never will.
What I do know is that the justice system has not been exactly fair.  There is not a lot of support out there for family of those who are incarcerated.  There is even less help and more stigma if you are a sex offender or family member of a sex offender.  It seems that killing someone has less of a stigma, which I don't get, because when you kill someone that person is gone forever.  There is no chance of life at all, but that's just me.  There is a lot I just don't get.
Because of this experience, I feel I have lost my faith in our justice system.  I no longer believe that I can make a difference and change what I see as unfair or broken our country.  I have trouble believing that the leaders of our country want to do what's right.  They want votes so they can stay in office and enjoy all the perks and power that come from their position.  I firmly believe as long as our judicial system's bottom line is about money, we will never really see any progress or help for those caught up in its web.  I also firmly believe that for real change to happen, it has to start at the bottom.  It has to start with those of us who have been affected and who need and want change to happen.  We have to talk, share our stories and then unite for a common cause, just as the forefathers this country did a great many years ago.

 

CPS, noose around my neck

Every  parent I am sure has heard horror stories about child protective services or department of  children and family services.  You hear about children being taken away from their homes and put into state homes only to be abused.  You hear of parents fighting to get back their parental rights.  I think this state run agency strikes fear into the heart of many parents, especially those who have a criminal record, drug or alcohol problem or loves some one who has these problems. 
It has been my goal since I became a parent to stay off the rader of such people.  I have tried to avoid needing food stamps or public assistance because in my opinion they put you on the rader screen for dcf/cps. 
The first time my husband got in trouble, it didn't affect me as far as dcf/cps went because my children were not born yet, I was only pregnant at that time.  This time around my husbands actions have brought cps down on our head.  It started initially when one of the neighbors found out that a rso was living next to them.  They called cps to report negligence, even though that was unfounded.  That neighbor also told my husband to stay away from them and don't molest my grandchildren. He then put no trespass signs around his house.  I later found out that the resident trooper had to go to school and have a discussion of what it means to have a sex offender living in the town.
  I wonder if such actions were a type of trigger for what happened.  People, and I think people who have been abused, more so possibly are sensitive in nature.  If they feel disliked by people it seems then they go about fulfilling that prophecy.  "You are no good, you are a liar, you are a pedophile, you are scum, you are a drunk"...the litany could go on.  Sometimes people internalize these words and then live up to them like they have lost control because they start believing what is said about them. 
So when this "incident" happened we already had an open case in cps.  Now when my husband was accused, I immediately sent him away.  I didn't call the cops because at that time the caregiver had said that it wasn't needed.  They weren't going to report it because possibly other people would go to jail or the victim wouldn't get to go away on a trip as planned.  Needless to say a few weeks later I was blindsided when I got a call at work telling me to come home right away because CPS was at home with my children.  Ironically, it was the first night since the incident that I allowed my girls to be home alone instead of going to my sisters.  I figured its Friday night, they have no homework, they will be okay for a couple of hours.  My oldest is 13 and my youngest is 8.  I don't like to leave them home alone often, but at some time they have to be allowed to grow up and be responsible for themselves. 
I urgently paged the supervisor and told her that I had a family emergency to attend to.  I didn't give her any details of course.  I raced home, which is 64 miles away, praying that everything was okay.  On the way, I was frantically trying to reach my husband to find out what he knew, he wasn't answering his phone.(He couldn't because he was talking to the police)  I called my sister, my brother in law, the caregiver from the incident.  The only people I got a hold of, of course was my sister and brother in law who didn't know anything.   My sister called my house and talked to my daughter to find out what was going on.  Apparently my husband showed up at the house to surprise me by cleaning it.  (Its really hard for me to work and keep up on housecleaning during the week too) We had planned to spend a few hours together as a family, even though he wasn't living there at that time.  I guess the police had the neighbors acting as spies because they showed up 10 minutes later with cps. 
CPS interviewed my children without any ones permission at that time and went through a diary the girls had given me for Christmas.  In the diary I had written a note to my youngest because she had asked me a question in it about why daddy wasn't at home.   My husband was told by his cousin who had come to house with him that cps took a picture of that note.  They also talked to my oldest daughter who at that time decided to tell them she was afraid of her dad even though he has never laid a hand of her. 
It's a tricky thing with my oldest daughter.  I love her, but sometimes I wonder about her at that same time.  She tells me things and I am just like are" you sure we saw the same thing"? because our experiences and memories will be worlds apart.  I have trouble believing the things she tells me because they just sound so incredible.  Trust me, if you talk with her long enough she will probably have you convinced that up is really down by the time you are done.   A lot of what she says I take with a grain of salt.  She seems to have gotten a sense for dramatics and exaggeration from my side of the family and difficulty being honest from his side of the family.  I worry so much about how hard it is for her to tell the truth.  I wonder what we are doing wrong or if this a stage and she will outgrow it, or is lying hereditary?  Everyone on my husbands side of the family accuses everyone else of lying, so I never know who to believe.  I just take what everyone on his side of the family says with a grain of salt as well.
I don't believe she is truly afraid of her dad.  I have asked her in the past how things have been going having her dad home.  She has told me she listens to him and does as he asks because she knows she will get into trouble if she doesn't.  She didn't like that he wouldn't let her watch TV all the time and that on the weekend we did family activities.  She wanted to stay at home and watch anime and not have to leave. 
When it was just me and her, I had a hard time with her.  She is very strong willed and wants to be the dominating power/female in the house. Over the years she and I have had some real power struggles and I don't know who came out on top.  Most of the time, I was/ am just too tired to care the way I should.   Its easier just to say do whatever you want or ask your dad.  I think that when her dad came home she lost control and power that she felt she had when it was just me raising them.  She was 10 years old when he came home to live, so naturally her world was turned upside down by that.   So I wonder if that is the real fear of her dad was she no longer got  to do what she wanted.  Now that he is gone, she pretty much does as she pleases.  She bosses her younger sister around and has her do the chores.  The only real thing that I think she now does that she doesn't want to is get up and go to school in the morning.  Otherwise now she is on her computer watching anime and eating Reece's peanut butter cups whenever she can.  I truly do not think having her dad leave is in the best interest of the children, but how do you explain the little intangibles to others to make them see and understand?    Ugh, my thoughts are going to a whole other topic with questions that I have.
Back to the story, cps made me sign a paper that he would leave and the children would have no physical contact with him.  That was about a month ago.  So the children haven't seen him for a month.  Its tearing my youngest one up.  She is suffering in silence.  A couple of weeks ago, she let some of her anger out over the whole thing.  She was screaming and crying, cursing out the cops and cps.  This started when my oldest girl asked if it was her fault that they cant see their dad because she told them she was afraid of him.   My poor girl is gonna explode with rage at this situation.  There still is no word on when, if ever, he will be able to see them again.  I am afraid to tell them, that they will see their dad again because I am not sure they will.   I feel so hopeless about the final outcome.   I am afraid to ask because I have no idea what is going on with the investigation.  I think if I just leave things be, maybe it will blow over. 
Yesterday, when I got up, the sky was beautiful and I was feeling okay for the moment.  I was like I am okay today, I think I can do this.  Then at noontime I got a call from the cps worker who is like I am calling to check up on your progress.  Have you gotten insurance yet?  No, but I have applied for full time jobs closer to home that would give me insurance.  Have you gotten counseling yet for your oldest daughter?  No, I am still working on that.  I swear, I will not use counselors they recommend because....I don't trust them, I don't want to be made to do anything by the government.  I don't want to go off on what I think about the government, that's a whole other problem in itself.  She then goes on to tell me that she hopes I will stop denying that I need their help.  I told her I am fine, I have my support system, which is this blog and people who understand what I am going through.  I didn't tell her about the blog, or who exactly is my support system.  She can kick rocks as far as I am concerned presently.  I probably should pray for her to because that sometimes helps to lessen my anger toward individuals.
She continues to tell me that the first case they had has been closed because it was unsubstantiated, but that the 2nd case is going to continue because my children have been affected by what happened.  I really want to say, they are more affected by your actions, than what happened that night, but I don't.  The case is going to be transferred to another case worker and no they don't know what the outcome will be.  It doesn't matter if my husband is charged criminally or not, they are going to be in our lives for the foreseeable future.
I don't know what this means for me and the girls.  I don't know if this means they will start proceeding to take away the girls?  I don't know if I should get a lawyer.    Plain and simple I don't know how afraid to be.  I don't know how I will afford to pay for counseling and insurance and now a lawyer on top of it.  I feel like I am in a ditch of quicksand that is pulling me and my family under and that cps is a noose around my neck tightening as I struggle.
If there is anyone who is reading this that has any insight into cps and what this all means, please contact me.  I really am struggling as to what to do.  My first instinct is to pack up and move to another state, but somehow I think that, that would be called self destructive behavior.  I think its called self preservation.  Does anyone know if I moved away, what would happen?
I feel like I am being treated like a crimnal even though I did nothing wrong and have tried to protect my children and do the best that I could for them all the way around.  One the one hand, I know logically that none of this is dcf's fault.  They didn't cause what happened that night.   My heart on the other hand feels differently.  It blames dcf for the continued hurt and suffering my family is going through.  It blames their actions as much as it blames my husband for his actions for the pain that my children feel right now.  I know some would blame me for letting my husband live with us in the first place.  I don't feel that like that decision was wrong.    I think they benefitted from having him around.   The benfits of having their father in their life despite being a rso are for another day.  Today its  about finding a solution for dealing with cps. 

Deja vu

How many times in your life have you had the sense that you are reliving something all over again?  I know a lot of times I have the vague sensation that I saw or experienced something in dream form only to go through in real life.  This last year though I have had the fear that my husband and I were repeating history from 14 years ago. 
When my husband and I first started dating, I didn't realize he was married until I met his wife at his DUI court hearing.   Talk about shocker. By that time I was emotionally invested in him.  I was in love and thought love could overcome everything.  I also thought that she was a bitch who didn't really love him.   Everything he said about her I believed.  At 21 I was very young and naive. 
Okay, since I met her at his court appearance for DUI, that means he had gotten a DUI earlier that year and he would get one again later that year. 
During the time I met him, I was working night shift at a local hospital.  People would eventually begin to gossip about my relationship with him.  I imagine the hickies at that time were a source of conversation.  The hospital was having financial difficulties and was facing lay offs.  During this time of potential lay offs I was fired for supposedly sleeping when I was supposed to be working.  I wasn't sleeping, but was saying a prayer thanking God that I had made it through another night, when a co worker called out "Hey wake up"  I laughingly replied  I am not asleep only praying."  I still had a strong faith in God,and faith in a lot of things like our country's judicial system at that time. My heart would be broken that morning when I was called in to be terminated for "sleeping on the job."  I was only weeks away from changing shifts too.
  The memory of that day still stings and I swore if I ever became rich I would buy whatever place my ex boss was working at and fire her.  Too bad, her name, but not her face has been erased from my memory.  Sometimes I swear that certain things are blocked from my memory to keep me from going crazy obsessing about them.
So losing a job that I loved led me to getting work in a nursing home while my boyfriend at the time was in and out rehab, detox,  and the hospital.  During this point in our relationship he was drinking heavily as well as using crack.  The courts would send him to rehab, then something would happen and he would be out.  One time he got kicked out for supposedly having relations with one of the other women there.  To this day, he swears he never did.  Personally I don't know if he did or not.  I figure by now he wouldn't lie about it because it happened such a long time ago.  What's the point of lying, I haven't left yet?
I was being the ever" loving" girlfriend, loving and supporting him through everything.  I would hunt him down when he disappeared with our money to buy crack.   While driving to find him so I could end our relationship I would hear these great love songs on the radio that reminded me of how much I loved him and I would make up my mind to stick it out one more time.  I would cry my heart out while he would be in another room smoking and getting high. 
The last rehab he went to, he told me they were doping everyone up there and he didn't want to take the drugs that they wanted to get him and could I please come get him.  We could leave and start over somewhere else.  So I turned in my notice at work, packed up what I could in our car, along with our puppy, picked him up and away we went.  We were gone for about 9 months, living out of the car, camping, doing what we could to survive.
 I came back home when I got pregnant and decided that I was going to protect my child and no longer chase him around while he smoked crack. I was going to make sure this child had the life that my husband never had.   In some ways I credit our child with saving me.  Who knows how long I would have continued supporting his crack habit. Who knows maybe eventually I would've gotten hurt or killed on one the drug buys.  I put my foot down, if he was going to stay with me, the crack use had to stop. 
We came back to the area where we are now.  I started getting my life back in order.  He, continued to drink.  One night I came home from a meeting to find the cops at my house, alleging that he had touched my niece inappropriately while he was staying at my parents house.  Broke my heart, tore it out.  My niece, the one other person I loved more than anyone else, he hurt her!  I can't say that I truly  love a lot of people    I can probably count on my hand the people that I love without doubt, without reservation, and she was one of them. 
Too make a long story short, I chose to stand by him, despite what happened to my niece.  Not that I ever believed that he didn't do something.  I have never had that luxury of believing he was innocent.  God, I wish I did, I think it would be easier if I did.  I have tried my best to be honest with myself and not hide from the truth no matter how much it hurt.
I stayed with him because I believed and still believe that it was important for him to be a part of our children's lives.  I thought it best for our unborn child if they had a father who was  a part of their life even if it started off behind bars.  I thought it was best for all of us,  myself included.
  I didn't see him as a predator and I still don't.   Of course back then I didn't know just how things would turn out.  It really is a blessing not knowing everything that is going to happen in our lives.  I think if we did, we would decide that we just didn't want to go through with living because its too painful and scary at times.
In the end, he was sentenced to 10 years suspended after 4.  He was given 30 years probation as well as being required to register as a registered sex offender for 10 years.  His sentence seemed extravagant for what he did.  Now I know for some they are not going to understand how I can feel this way and will probably judge me as being a morally bankrupt person.  I feel like his sentence was unjust and over the top, based on what allegedly happened.   I say allegedly because he says he doesn't remember what he did that night and it never went to trial because I told him to not put my niece through any more pain by letting it go to trial. I felt like he had to plead guilty and that was that, end of story.  I know the report never accused him of rape and clothes were not removed.  I am not condoning what was done or saying that its acceptable in any way shape or form.  I am just saying he got a lot more time in prison for doing a lot less than what other people have done.  That in its self can make a person resentful and angry.  I really feel our punishments have to be appropriate and fit the crime.  Over or under punishment doesn't do any good for anyone.

How its similar 

Okay, the title of this story is called deja vu, because  a year ago, he cheated on me with another women while I was working the night shift in a small local hospital, which is of course how our relationship started. ( I swore I would never work nights again!) Now I am the bitch, who doesn't love him or understand him.  The one who tries to control him and keep him from drinking.  (Thats how I am sure other people see me) After he cheated, the drinking started up again.  He had been sober while in jail and for about 2 years once he got out.  I see the cheating and drinking as a repeat from 14 years ago.
About 10 months ago we moved back to the area where it begin.  He has family and more work opportunities out here.  Another reason we moved back to this area was because when we moved from the original state to another state, he got more time on the registry.  He would be off the registry sometime this year in the original state.  The new state we moved to tacked on another 20 years because they "misinformed" us when they told us they would honor the originating states sentencing.  If we had known what would happen by leaving the originating state we would have stayed there and finished things out.  Being on the registry is a tricky thing.  Every state has different laws and figuring out what those laws are is tough, especially since they change so quickly. 
Wouldn't you know it, a few weeks into our new place of residence in a town only 6 miles from the original town where he first offended in, he got a DUI, not 200 feet away from where we live. Isn't that just crazy. 
Too make things even more interesting, we have a female friend of the family who is the one who takes him to his court appearances like I used to do.  I am not saying that anything is going on, but I have had my suspicions.  I find it highly ironic.  She is nice and very loving person.  In some ways, we are a lot alike.  She would do anything in the world for a friend.  I just wish he would have asked his family to bring  him to court so that I wouldn't feel so jealous. 
Roughly a year ago, I started going back to 12 step meetings.  For a long time I stopped going because I lost faith so to speak.  I went back just around the time of the affair because I wanted to stop letting my world revolve around him.  It was hurting so much.    To me it always seems about the time I really get involved in these meetings that he really begins to self destruct.  I am not sure why this is.
You already know if you read "Sins of the Father" that he has been accused of re offending.  No charges have been filed as of yet, it's still under investigation.  I don't know what is taking so long.  Just like before he was drinking heavily and is accused of inappropriately touching someone. 
As this last year has been unfolding, I have been racking my brain over why are we going through this again? Of course I didn't expect the sexual re offending  to happen. I was hoping he would see what was happening and stop drinking before things escalated to that point.  If I had believed that it would repeat itself,  I would have made different choices.   What is my part in all of this?  I truly believe that when there is a repeat of something, its because there was a lesson that wasn't learned the first time around, or something was left undone.  I am trying hard to figure out what that is and what I can do differently this time around.

How its different

I don't know if I am doing things differently enough this time around.  He isn't living with us currently but I still talk to him.  I love him and haven't cut him off, but neither have I made any promises.  I just don't know if I can go through another prison term with him.  I haven't gone to court with him.   I haven't paid for a lawyer like I did last time.  Haven't even called any for him, though I have given him names and numbers of lawyers and mental health counselors.  If he wants a paid lawyer, he will have to obtain one for himself.  I don't honestly have the money.   This time I have two children to support and can't afford to help him. I am also not going to tell him to plead guilty or not to let it go to trial.  That choice is up to him.
  I am trying to reach out to other people more who are going or have gone through similar situations, hence this blog.  Last time before he got out, we talked about how we needed to changes sex offender laws because the approach is wrong.  We didn't do it, because we are afraid of the system.  I know he is afraid of worse things happening if he speaks out about the registry.  I don't know.  Did it happen again so that we would take more action? 
 This time I see that he needs help.  Its more than just drinking.  I  believe he is an sex addict.   I didn't think this the last time around.  I thought it was just the drinking and drugs that were the main problem.  I thought that once he got some counseling for what happened, it wouldn't happen again.
So things have been repeated themselves, but not completely.  Are the changes enough?  Am I doing the right things?  Is he doing the right things?  Only time will tell.
 

Child Pornography is revolting:. why arent't we doing more to stop it before it starts?

Talk about emotional whiplash. Two weeks ago in The New Yorker, Rachel Aviv wrote about John, a socially awkward veteran who was ensnared in an Internet child-sex sting in the late 1990s. He was convicted of persuading a child to have sex with him (although no sex happened—the supposed child was really a cop) as well as possession of child pornography. After his release, he landed back in jail on another child porn charge. Nearing completion of that sentence, despite a lack of evidence that he had ever molested a child himself, he was subject to a legal procedure known as civil commitment, which allows sex offenders to be detained beyond their prison terms on the grounds that they’re likely to harm again. Aviv never suggests that child pornography is a victimless crime, but you’re left with the feeling that John doesn’t quite deserve to be jailed indefinitely.

Just when you were starting to feel kind of sorry for child porn offenders who have never personally abused, out comes “The Price of a Stolen Childhood,” the New York Times Magazine’s cover story this weekend by Slate’s Emily Bazelon. Centered around the question of whether financial restitution helps child pornography victims, Bazelon tells the story of a woman named Nicole, who, as a 9-year-old, was raped and abused by her father, who continued to rape and abuse her for years while videotaping and posting his crimes on the Internet; and the story of Amy, who was also 9 when her uncle repeatedly raped and abused her and circulated images of his depravity online. The descriptions of the women’s abuse and resulting psychological trauma are so vivid and horrifying that you probably can’t help but think that of course everyone who views child porn should go to jail and pay restitution—and those who create it should be strung up and shot.

Nowhere in either article is the most dark and disturbing question asked: Why do some grown men want to rape or molest little kids? Or even look at images of such acts? You might answer that it’s because they’re sick perverts, but "sick pervert" is neither a medical diagnosis nor a psychiatric designation. Believing that the world is simply pocked with sick perverts who are destined to rape and molest children is, in a way, to give into the inevitability of their crimes with our fingers crossed that they'll be caught. (Most are not.) It does nothing to prevent men like John from doing what he did, nor what happened to Nicole and Amy from happening again.

That’s why researchers are increasingly studying child sexual abuse as a public health issue, with a focus on identifying risk factors that may lead to abuse and protective factors that may prevent it. But compared to the many millions of dollars we spend on civil commitment, trials, imprisonment, sex offender registration, and the like, we spend almost nothing on prevention.

“We're investing all of our money in a very small number of people,” Joan Tabachnick, a co-chair of the Prevention Committee of the Association for the Treatment of Sexual Abusers, told me. “The primary prevention part, before any child is harmed—that’s where we need to ratchet it back to. But the way we invest is completely reactive and doesn't look at most situations of sexual abuse.”

Elizabeth Letourneau, a child sexual abuse expert at the Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health, agrees. “We keep waiting for bad things to happen and then reacting to them,” she said. “To prevent risk we have to know what's causing the issue, and that has to do with basic science. And there's almost no basic science in our country that targets this problem.”

Letourneau thinks a big step would come from the creation of a single federal agency mandated to prevent childhood victimization, because different types of victimization—physical and sexual assault, for instance—often go hand in hand. “The bang for your buck is very high if you find risk factors for any kind of child neglect,” she said.

Certain potential sexual abusers would still evade detection in this model. They’re the ones who wouldn’t display typical risk factors but are preferentially attracted to minors—the true pedophiles, that is. That’s where novel research on the neurological underpinnings of pedophilia comes in, like the work that clinical psychologist James Cantor is spearheading at the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health in Toronto, which I’ve written about in the past and which many in the field are eyeing with interest.

It’s a sad truth that there will probably never be a total eradication of child sexual abuse. And questions about how we should handle child pornography offenders and compensate sexual abuse victims are certainly important. But if we’re really so disturbed by these stories, the most critical question we should be asking—and funding the hell out of in search of answers—is how to prevent people from becoming offenders or victims in the first place.  By Jennifer Bleyer

I read this article and I think it really articulates how I feel.  Lets stop sexual abuse before it starts.  Locking people up and throwing away the key or forever making them and their loved ones feel like an outcast is not the answer.

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USA FAiR Responds to John Burbine Reclassification of Sex Offenders

 I hadn't heard the story about John Burdine, a sex offender who is accused of video taping sexual abuse of 13 boys.  Since I don't have cable tv and it didn't make it on to the news sites on the web that I  frequent, I missed the story.  That is probably a good thing because its to be a sure a heart breaking story.  The actions of this man of course are causing people in the state of massachuesets to rethink their sex offender classification.  There must be something wrong with the system if a person on the lowest tier level reoffended. 
This is what Shana Rowans had to say about what has happened.    By now, all of Massachusetts and much of the country has heard about the gruesome allegations against John Burbine; a man accused of videotaping himself sexually abusing 13 young children.
He’s also a Level 1 registered sex offender, which has understandably led lawmakers to respond with proposed legislation aimed at preventing such a crime from happening again. Unfortunately, as is often the case following high-profile child sex crimes, well-intentioned legislators respond with broad-brush proposals and political placebos that may make constituents feel good, but don’t actually do anything to protect the public.
Because Burbine was classified as a low risk Level 1 offender, the knee jerk emotional response has been that there must therefore be something wrong with the classification system, causing some Massachusetts legislators to propose that any offender who committed a crime against a child must no longer be classified as low risk. This flies in the face of volumes of studies that show conclusively that offenders who commit the same crime do not pose the same risk of reoffending.
For example, offenders whose crime involved incest with a minor child have the lowest recidivism rate of any group of sex offenders.
Additionally, approximately one-third of all sex crimes committed against children are committed by other minors and history has shown that treatment is particularly effective with this group in producing low re-offense rates.
The fact that a Level 1 offender committed a heinous act does not mean the system is not working. Level 1 means low risk - not no risk. Level 1 means that these offenders pose a relative lower risk of reoffending than Level 2 moderate-risk offenders or Level 3 highest-risk offenders. However, relative risk does not predict with certainty what an individual offender will do. Just as studies have shown that most high-risk offenders will never commit another sex crime, some low risk offenders will.
From the beginning of the sex offender registry risk classifications were designed to be a tool to assess the potential risk of a particular offender. They were based on an evaluation of the offender that looked at many characteristics, including the offender, the victim and the circumstances surrounding the offense and assigned a risk classification based on actuarial data of similar offenders. This system, while imperfect, has been shown to demonstrate better predictive results than other methods, including individual psychological evaluations.
If we are going to switch to a system that bases risk level designations solely on the crime committed than we will give up on even the pretense that levels are a risk assessment tool. A law that would prohibit offenders whose crimes were committed against children from being designated as Level 1 registrants will be that start of a slippery slope to making the risk tiers utterly meaningless – except perhaps as a new means to register societal disapproval of a particular act.
Sex offenders have one of the lowest recidivism rates
The U.S. Department of Justice along with numerous other criminal justice agencies and academic institutions have found that sex offenders have one of the lowest recidivism rates of any offender group in the criminal justice system. However, some subsets of offenders do indeed have higher rates of recidivism. Public policy initiatives should be directed at making risk assessments better able to identify those few offenders most likely to reoffend - as opposed to throwing in the towel and taking a one-size-fits-all approach.

Related Content:

    http://www.capecodtoday.com/article/2013/01/25/16737-low-risk-was-never-meant-mean-no-risk