Trust is a big issue for those who have been affected by someone elses addictions. Most addicts lie, steal and break promises. Common sense tells us lying, stealing and breaking promises is to be expected. How can someone support their habit without doing these things? Its not like you are gonna say, "Go ahead honey use all our rent money on buying crack today, it's okay, the kids and I don't want to sleep in a warm house tonight." How would it go over if the addict would say to their children, "I love you, but I can't make it to your birthday party today because I'm gonna get drunk because life sucks and I can't deal with it." I don't know what I would do if someone was that honest with my children. Would you prefer brutal honesty or the sugar coated version which still boils down the same meaning, the addiction is stronger than most of us and the addict will do whatever it takes to get what they want.
Even when the addict is sober, trust doesn't come back easily, at least it doesn't for me. You want to, you try to trust the addict who is sober, but always in the back of your mind you are always looking for signs of relapse. Every time they don't come home when they say they will, you start to wonder, are they out getting high? Every time, their voice sounds off, or their eyes look glazed over, you are gonna wonder if trouble is brewing again because you've been through hell, and you want to know asap so you can get off that train before it starts. I know I sure as hell do not want to keep repeating the cycle. It hurts so much and then once the hurting stops, you are left numb and dead inside. It's so hard to get a piece of your heart to live again once it dies. Drug addiction doesn't kill your heart all at once or completely. It kills it slowly and sometimes insidiously.
I know every time the addict in recovery disappoints me, I go back to the past and think about all the times they have disappointed me and wonder if this is the way its going to be forever? Is it a pattern starting or just an accident this time or maybe they just have really sucky luck? The crazy thoughts just don't stop because someone isn't using. I don't know that trust should be easily attained again. It would be nice, but sometimes being nice gets us burned. Most of us learn young that if you touch the iron when its hot it hurts. So we are very careful around irons until we know for sure they are not on. If there is any chance the iron is on, you are not going to touch flat part. However it's not that easy when it comes to addicts. They are usually very good at hiding the truth until things start to go up in flames all around you.
I find it annoying when people judge me and how my marriage is or isn't. My husband and I have been through a lot of shit over the years and it has taken its toll. I am not the same person I was when we met. Back then I was young, naive and completely idealistic, I thought love could solve all your problems. I meant it when I said I love you no matter what. Now a days, I would not utter those words to anyone except my children. I don't think I would ever say them to another man because I have found that addiction can ruin your love, even the strongest love. I am not saying I don't love the addicts in my life and there are a few. I do love them, its just its a complicated thing. It's not a beautiful pure fantasy world love, but its a true love that has been battered, broken and bruised.
My husband has gone on a road trip down to North Carolina or is it South? I don't remember for sure. He told me some guy told him to come down because they have a roof for him to do. I have very little means of verifying if this is the truth. I hope it is, but...so often jobs don't pan out for him. I am thinking even if you do the roof, which I hope he does, how is that gonna make more than the cost of driving out there. He rented a truck again. I am hoping he has more reasons for going out there besides seeing family and this roof job, because we are both going to be disappointed. Me, especially because he is using our money needed for bills for this gamble. It pisses me off, but I don't say anything because I am trying to be a supportive wife and not second guess him all the time. He doesn't know how I really feel about his trip. If it turns out okay, then that's good and too bad I spent time feeling disappointed and worried. On the other hand if it goes the way I think it will based on past experience, then...We are going to be hurt. Already he has text ed me saying he can't find the guy he was supposed to do the roof job for. Am I surprised? No. Am I disappointed? Yes. What's the point of being mad? I am just wondering when will we learn.
I don't have any advice to fix things when they go wrong. I am not writing this looking for advice. I just know a lot of other people can relate what I am sharing. I am just trying to put into words what so many of us feel or go through when they love someone. If I come up with answers, I will happily post them here. If you read this and you want to share your story or feelings about what I wrote, please do. Sometimes the best thing is to get things out of your head so that you can find clarity.
Even when the addict is sober, trust doesn't come back easily, at least it doesn't for me. You want to, you try to trust the addict who is sober, but always in the back of your mind you are always looking for signs of relapse. Every time they don't come home when they say they will, you start to wonder, are they out getting high? Every time, their voice sounds off, or their eyes look glazed over, you are gonna wonder if trouble is brewing again because you've been through hell, and you want to know asap so you can get off that train before it starts. I know I sure as hell do not want to keep repeating the cycle. It hurts so much and then once the hurting stops, you are left numb and dead inside. It's so hard to get a piece of your heart to live again once it dies. Drug addiction doesn't kill your heart all at once or completely. It kills it slowly and sometimes insidiously.
I know every time the addict in recovery disappoints me, I go back to the past and think about all the times they have disappointed me and wonder if this is the way its going to be forever? Is it a pattern starting or just an accident this time or maybe they just have really sucky luck? The crazy thoughts just don't stop because someone isn't using. I don't know that trust should be easily attained again. It would be nice, but sometimes being nice gets us burned. Most of us learn young that if you touch the iron when its hot it hurts. So we are very careful around irons until we know for sure they are not on. If there is any chance the iron is on, you are not going to touch flat part. However it's not that easy when it comes to addicts. They are usually very good at hiding the truth until things start to go up in flames all around you.
I find it annoying when people judge me and how my marriage is or isn't. My husband and I have been through a lot of shit over the years and it has taken its toll. I am not the same person I was when we met. Back then I was young, naive and completely idealistic, I thought love could solve all your problems. I meant it when I said I love you no matter what. Now a days, I would not utter those words to anyone except my children. I don't think I would ever say them to another man because I have found that addiction can ruin your love, even the strongest love. I am not saying I don't love the addicts in my life and there are a few. I do love them, its just its a complicated thing. It's not a beautiful pure fantasy world love, but its a true love that has been battered, broken and bruised.
My husband has gone on a road trip down to North Carolina or is it South? I don't remember for sure. He told me some guy told him to come down because they have a roof for him to do. I have very little means of verifying if this is the truth. I hope it is, but...so often jobs don't pan out for him. I am thinking even if you do the roof, which I hope he does, how is that gonna make more than the cost of driving out there. He rented a truck again. I am hoping he has more reasons for going out there besides seeing family and this roof job, because we are both going to be disappointed. Me, especially because he is using our money needed for bills for this gamble. It pisses me off, but I don't say anything because I am trying to be a supportive wife and not second guess him all the time. He doesn't know how I really feel about his trip. If it turns out okay, then that's good and too bad I spent time feeling disappointed and worried. On the other hand if it goes the way I think it will based on past experience, then...We are going to be hurt. Already he has text ed me saying he can't find the guy he was supposed to do the roof job for. Am I surprised? No. Am I disappointed? Yes. What's the point of being mad? I am just wondering when will we learn.
I don't have any advice to fix things when they go wrong. I am not writing this looking for advice. I just know a lot of other people can relate what I am sharing. I am just trying to put into words what so many of us feel or go through when they love someone. If I come up with answers, I will happily post them here. If you read this and you want to share your story or feelings about what I wrote, please do. Sometimes the best thing is to get things out of your head so that you can find clarity.
No comments:
Post a Comment