A new start or running away..hmm

So many days, I feel crazy in my head.  I have a lot to figure out and don't know where to turn.  Often I can't figure out what it is that I should be doing.  I am tired tonight, so lets see how far I get.
Frankly, I am tired, tired of dealing with alcoholism, tired of being married to someone with the RSO label and how that makes me feel.  Tired, of not having a vacation, literally.  Tired, of being in debt.  I have been worn down by the constant emotional toil that life has taken.
I currently rent, but I know that my landlord wants to sell the house, and I know that I am not in a position to buy it.  I also fear that because I am now paying for health insurance, I will not be able to afford renting this house and will need to move.  The question is where to move.
Do I find a place around here to move into, so that my children can hopefully stay in the same school and have contact, however limited with their other brothers and sisters?  They also have aunts and uncles in the area.  Altogether, there is probably a good 20 family members around here between my family and my husband's family.  That is a major reason to stay.  They would like to stay in the same school as well.
 Chances are my husband will eventually return to the area, man up and face the court charges and quite possibly go back to jail.  He should stay in this state because if he does there is the possibility that he will come off the registry.  He is due to come off this June.  I don't know how it will play out since he has been running from his DUI, cps and the other stuff that he has been accused of , but currently not charged with.  Confusing, huh?  Is it better to stay here and deal with everything? 
I sometimes, get the strong desire to, lose my phone, pack up the kids and just leave this life behind, make a new start.  Can I really start over with all the baggage that  comes with being married and  having kids with a man?  It's a thought, but...would it be the best thing?. 
Still, when I daydream about moving, I think I would like to move to Houston, Texas area.  I have never been there; it sounds like an interesting area.  I like the idea of being where it's warm and near the ocean.  I love exploring new places.  The cost of housing, is cheaper than it is in the north east.  Texas has a stronger economy than this area and lots of jobs in my line of work.  Don't  you think, a new start, would be a good thing? 
My husband hates the idea of Texas because he believes that they are more apt to shoot you, or lock you up and throw away the key.  I don't think,it's a friendly state if you have a crimnal past.
Logically, the other place I should move to, would be near my job.  Ya, know, cut down on the commute, be home at a reasonable time.  It's still not so far away, that we couldn't visit family once in a while.  The big problem, is I am so freaking tired of NY state.  I can't wait to get away from it.  If my husband moves back to NY, even if after coming off the registry I think he would have to stay on the registry for another 20-30 years because we moved there while he was on the registry and got slammed with 20 additional years for NY state.  I think that that its totally unfair of how the states can tack on additional time when you have done your registry time in another state.  That definitely, needs to change.
I know a part of me, is wishing for a knight in white to come rescue me.  I know that is unrealistic.  I also know that realistically speaking, as much crap as I talk at times, I love my husband and can't see myself with anyone else.
The other big reason why I am so wracked with indecision is because I can't figure out, what does "God" (or whatever higher power there is) want me to?  Half the time, I am not sure there is a God.  If there is one, does he want me to continue to stay with a man who is so troubled or is he telling me to hit the road?  What "sign" is he giving me, that I am not listening to?  When bad things happen, is it just life and you roll with punches and carry on or is it something more than that?  Is there a purpose to his relapse?  They say everything happens for a reason. 
I was brought up to believe that when bad things happen, there are a few main reasons.  1) its caused by sin and or the devil.  If I did wrong, its because I gave into temptation.  2) if I am not being blessed, its because I am not doing something right, such as not paying tithe, not following God enough.  Now I don't confess to follow God, don't pay tithe, don't go to church.  Is all this stuff happening because I don't do such things.  I don't believe its the devil attacking me because I am messing up my life without his help pretty good.   I don't like using the belief in God, like a suger daddy.  If you follow him, then you get what you want.  That just doesn't seem right either.  3) One of the other reasons is that there is a purpose or reason.  God is trying to make you stronger for something else.  There is a lesson for your to learn.  If that is the reason, I am good with that too.  I just need to know what it is, I need to learn, so we can move on and get to the good stuff.
So today, my prayer is that if there is a god, please prepare me for your answer and remove whatever blinders that keep me from following the path I am supposed to take.  I don't think that I really mind what direction my life takes as long as its the path that I am supposed to be on.  I think that I would be perfectly fine to love my husband as long as that is the "right thing" to do. 
Like always, please feel to share.  How do you figure out what direction to take in your life?  How do you know you are on the "right path"? 
 

Prisoners of love: Some good food

Prisoners of love: Some good food: I know that I share a lot of negative crap.  I feel bad that what I share so often is negative or sad.  Unfortunately it is, what it is.  S...

Some good food

I know that I share a lot of negative crap.  I feel bad that what I share so often is negative or sad.  Unfortunately it is, what it is.  Some days it really seems like the glass is half empty. 
One thing good thing has come out of this situation.  I don't know how long it will last, but for now I will enjoy what I can.
When I was worried about putting food on my table because of having to pay for health insurance, so that cps cannot accuse me of not tending to my children's medical needs, I decided to call up a woman that I met last summer.  I met her and her husband at the local farmer's market.  They were selling csa shares.  CSA shares are local farmers that sell you portions of their crops.  Its a type of community agriculture.  I think it's a wonderful thing.  Some farms allow you to volunteer so that you can have access to the shares for a reduced price.  Now this particular couple were not able to offer that last year.  They do not have any government grants or funding helping them with their project.  They have what they are able to grow and then sell at the farmers market.  Last summer my husband and I bought a "share" in this program.  Every Saturday, we would go to the farmers market and pick up a box of fresh vegetables.  Some weeks we would have fresh potatoes and broccoli. Other weeks she would make home made bread and soups.  It was different every week.  Kind of like getting a care package every week and you never knew exactly what would be in it. 
It's not exactly the cheapest way to buy your vegetables, but it is probably the next best thing to being able to grow your own vegetables.  Let's face it, many of us are too busy doing other things to grow our own food.  Or you may live where growing your own food is impractical.  True, it's easy enough to go to the local grocery store and buy your fresh fruits and vegetables.  Nothing wrong with that, except that you don't know where your food is coming from, how it is grown and the money is going to a big corporation.  The other problem is if you are like me, when it comes to shopping, you get into a rut of buying the same thing over and over again.  You like corn, so you buy corn.  You like carrots, so you buy carrots. Rarely, do I venture out and buy things that I am not accustomed to.   When I got food from the csa program, I was given new foods.  Foods that I would not typically purchase for my family, like rutabagas, beets, and acorn squash.  Last summer, my children and I learned that fried beets taste good.  We also found that you can make radish chips.  Not that I did, but at least I thought about it.
Any way I called up Mrs. M and asked her if it would be possible to work out a way for my family to get fresh vegetables.  Would she mind if me and my girls would come work at her farm, helping plant crops and pick them in exchange for some of the produce.  It will help get us out of the house and outdoors, doing something productive.  Since I have no money to go anywhere now that my husband is gone and I have to pay for wicked expensive insurance, my girls and I are just sitting around the house sleeping and cleaning on the weekends.  They are watching anime 24/7 and I am reading books.  Not bad, but not great for the soul.  I was happy when she said yes, but then she went a step further than that.  She offered to come over during the week and help me prepare some meals ahead of time that can be eaten during the week.  This is fantastic because it gives me and my girls someone to interact with and breaks up the monotony of life.  It gives us something to look forward too.  For the first time in months my youngest child smiled and was happy.  She has been so sullen and angry since her dad has left.  It is heartbreaking because she was a energetic and  happy go lucky child.  Now she is becoming this stranger who finds comfort in the cold world of the Internet.  This situation has not helped my relationship with my children.  It has caused us to isolate and withdraw from each other.
The first time she was here, we made granola bars, soup, shepherds pie, meatballs, ham and scallop potato casserole.  The granola bars were a big hit with my oldest daughter and our dog as well.  My youngest daughter and I loved the soup.  You know, you can never go wrong with meatballs and spaghetti. 
This last week we made more granola bars, spicy cabbage soup (which is good for losing weight), bean and beef burritos,  yellow and green squash boats, eggplant parmigiana and pizza.  Her friendship and help these last two weeks have been a God send in helping to turn things around for me and the girls.  I can't say, that I am still not depressed at times.  I am.  I miss my husband so freakin much, that it hurts.  I want him back, but I know that I have to carry on and do right for my children.  I may not want to be present in life right now.  I may want to sleep and hide in a book, but I can't continue to do that.  It's time to face life on lifes' term and carry on.  It's things like friendship, a Higher power, a blog, the singing of birds, a good book, little things that help some of us to keep going.  These things are like food for the soul.
What keeps you going?  What brings peace to your heart when life has you twisted up inside?

I shouldn't be writing ....but I need to vent

I doubt that I should be blogging right now.  My heart truly is not in the right place.   I am blogging because I can't sleep. I can't get out of my head and I am sinking deeper into self pity.  I have spent the last hour and half trying to sleep and before that I was crying because things seem so desperate and unfair right now.  It's hard to feel optimistic when you feel trapped and like everything you love is slipping away.  Some of it is my own damn fault, some of it is because of my husband's actions and yet some of it is the actions of the state I live in.

Recap: My husband and I have been separated since Christmas 2012.  It's now going on 2 1/2 months.  Child Protective Services (cps) aka Department of children and families (dcf) came out the week after I asked him to leave and said he had to stay away until they say so.  He is gone, and on the run because he is scared.  Where he is I don't know, nor do I particularly want to know at this time.  The children have not seen him since their visit.
 We are a family, but only in the slightest sense presently.  It was easier when he was in jail because at least we could see him a couple times a week, if we wanted to.  I don't know if we would see him or not, but at least  it would be our decision to make, not somebody else deciding what we can do and can't do.
CPS came to visit again last week.  This time so they can begin their "treatment program."  They have decided that my husband is guilty of emotional negligence and the children are his victims and they must step in an "fix" this family.  What their treatment is going to consist of I don't know yet.  They haven't given me their "goals" yet.  What I do know is that at minimum they are going to visit the children and I weekly for the next 4 weeks and then 2x a month after that for 6 months.  If we are not meeting our goals or making adequate progress then they will contact the courts and take it to the next level.  Which I can only assume meaning they will begin the process of removing the children from the home. 
One of their goals already was that I obtain health insurance for us.  When this country first was founded there was no such thing as health insurance.  Life was a risk, so was your health.   While I have no disagreement with having health insurance.  I feel that it must be left up to the family to decide if it is appropriate.  For many families its a luxury they cannot afford.  I was able to get health insurance through my job, but it is going to cost me an 196.00 a week.  A 181 for the health insurance and 15 for dental insurance.  I had the choice to enroll in health insurance last year but I opted not to because financially it was too much.  I think it's cheaper to pay out of pocket when we need to see a doctor or a dentist if we need to.   We are not typically sick and when we do get sick, I try to use natural remedies or allow our bodies to heal themselves over time before running to see a doctor.  I think for the average family that has little health problems, a health insurance that is there for catastrophic purposes is more appropriate.  Sean Hannity and I are on the same page as far as our ideas go about health insurance.  A health savings account that would be available to everyone would be better than forcing people to pay for something they can't afford and may not ever need to use is foolish.  There is no reason why I should I pay 12,000 a year for an insurance plan when the most I may need to spend is 2,000.00 on medical expenses.  If this is a taste of what is coming with President's Obama's Healthcare plan, then we are in Trouble.  If anyone thinks that his national health care plan is  not going to affect you and your family and it will be easy to incorporate to you family finances, I have a feeling you will be disappointed.  One of my friends believes it is the goal of the government to have two classes of people, the rich and the poor.  The poor will be dependent of the government for all their needs.  The rich will be in control.  Scary thought....
What is your thought about health insurance?   How would you fix our heathcare system in this country?
 

A look at the past...which is stronger, nurture or nature?

My husbands father by adoption/uncle and his wife  as well as my step daughter and her boyfriend came over to visit last night.  My husband told his other children that my daughters have been lonely and feel like no one loves him since he left.  It was nice to have some visitors as the house has been very quiet since everyone left.  I know I wanted the drinking to stop and people to leave at a reasonable hour but wasn't looking for this drastic of a  solution.  Like they say be careful what you pray for.  It why for a long time, I didn't pray for anything when it concerns my husband and I because I generally don't like the answer.  I started praying again because the drinking and parties were getting out of control.   
The relationships on my husband's side are as twisted and mind boggling as any soap opera.  The truth is just as confusing.  Some days when I talk to his family, I feel like I should be taking notes so that I don't get things all mixed up..  Then again, they might ask why I am taking notes.  Do you think they would mind, if I wrote a book?  I don't know, some might be cool with it, others would probably be highly upset.  Not to mention, I am sure no one could agree on what was true or not. 
My husbands adopted step mother loves to talk and tell stories. Her stories are colorful and can be fascinating.   When you are with her, if you don't have much to say, then its perfect because she will do all the talking and she won't ask a lot of personal questions.  Instead all you have to do is listen, and listen and listen. 
Some of the stories she shares though hits home, how  addictions and sexual issues have permeated this family for generations, going back to the great grandmother on my husbands side. 
Just a little family tree on my husbands side.  When he was born, his mother was young, had no job and no husband.  She had a young child already, whose father apparently had died.  She was living with her parents.  Her dad told her "I am not raising another one of your children, either get a job and your own place to live and keep this child or give it up."  I guess my mother in law didn't really feel like she had much choice as she had no job skills and therefore no way of caring for this second child.  So the family decided the best thing for my husband would be for her brother to adopt him.  At least he would be raised by family.  They wouldn't tell him he was adopted, and his mother would be his aunt.  So that's what happened.  His uncle and his wife adopted him.  Then that marriage fell apart and they both remarried.  His adopted mom kept him instead of his uncle.
  His biological dad had been told that the baby had been miscarried.  Now whether his birth mother told his biological dad this or whether his aunt told his dad this is somewhat unclear.  According to his adopted step mom his aunt wrote his biological dad telling him that his birth mother was no longer pregnant, she had lost the baby, so it was no sense in coming back to town to marry her.  His biological dad also was expecting another baby or had a baby with some other women during this time.  Who that was or who that child is, I don't think anyone in the family knows. 
What a sad way to start life.  A dad who doesn't know you exist, a mom who is unable to care for you.  Given away, only to have that family split and a new family started.  It seems to me that as far as my husband goes, the odds have been stacked against him from the day he was conceived.
There were seven sibling I believe on his mothers side.  Six girls and one boy.  His mom and one of his aunts has passed away.  From what I am told the sisters of his family had quite the reputation.  They were pretty, friendly and willing, if you know what I mean.  Some people like to say that one of the sisters has slept with with every man in three counties. Granted, this opinion comes because that particular sister had an affair with somebody's hsuband at that time.  So the resentment and bitterness may cloud the story a bit.  
It's not surprising that these girls were wild and loose though, because then you hear how their father like to spend his time at the local bars and was known for being a "touchy feely kind of man."  "Lucky" for him and apparently his brothers, they lived in a day and age where such behavior was tolerated.  Its rumored that one of his brothers didn't care what age you were, you could be old or you could be young.   People whispered stories, but no one ever did anything.   Now in this day and age, this type of stuff will get you locked up for good or at least on a registry for life. 
 I didn't know any of this until after I had my own children.  At the time, when I met my husband, if you had told me this stuff,  I  still probably wouldn't have given two thoughts about these stories.  That's all they would be to me stories about other people.  I would never have thought about the implications they might have for my children.  I wouldn't  have said "Hey, wait a moment, if his family has these issues, he might have the same issues."  Now I wonder about the genetic component.  I kick myself for not realizing that where he comes from will affect who he is, even if he was raised differently. I wonder about nature versus nurture.  Can a loving nurturing environment over come genetic predispostion?   Will my own children carry the same legacy of not being truthful, of looking for love by sleeping with anyone who shows them some attention?  Based on the past,and the present nightmare that we are living, I am concerned, that it is highly possible. I am optimistic that it doesn't have to be that way, though.  I think that we can change the outcome if we are willing to talk about the past honestly without judgement and fear.  (check out the website sexualfuterist.com. I think they are on to something about honestly talking about sex)
Maybe by learning about the past, we can begin to figure out what steps to take to avoid the same future mistakes. Just maybe, if other people begin to open up about their family histories, we will see that, these stories I am sharing here, on not much different for other people.  Just maybe, we as a country will see that the registry is not going to protect us since most molestation happens from a family member or friend of the family.  Just maybe, we will see that its not that people are evil or predators, but instead have been broken for generations and need healing more than they need judgment and isolation.  I want to break the cycle of shame and abuse more than I want to be rich or have the perfect American life.  I want healing for my husband, his family, our family.  I want to find answers so that other families can find healing and peace.  I don't want to see other children growing up with the shame that my children are growing with right now. 
What about you?  Why are you reading this blog?  Is it because you have your story and are looking for answers?  What have you learned from your own life experiences?  What struggles are you going through?  Please feel free to share. Thank you for stopping by.