My husbands father by adoption/uncle and his wife as well as my step daughter and her boyfriend came over to visit last night. My husband told his other children that my daughters have been lonely and feel like no one loves him since he left. It was nice to have some visitors as the house has been very quiet since everyone left. I know I wanted the drinking to stop and people to leave at a reasonable hour but wasn't looking for this drastic of a solution. Like they say be careful what you pray for. It why for a long time, I didn't pray for anything when it concerns my husband and I because I generally don't like the answer. I started praying again because the drinking and parties were getting out of control.
The relationships on my husband's side are as twisted and mind boggling as any soap opera. The truth is just as confusing. Some days when I talk to his family, I feel like I should be taking notes so that I don't get things all mixed up.. Then again, they might ask why I am taking notes. Do you think they would mind, if I wrote a book? I don't know, some might be cool with it, others would probably be highly upset. Not to mention, I am sure no one could agree on what was true or not.
My husbands adopted step mother loves to talk and tell stories. Her stories are colorful and can be fascinating. When you are with her, if you don't have much to say, then its perfect because she will do all the talking and she won't ask a lot of personal questions. Instead all you have to do is listen, and listen and listen.
Some of the stories she shares though hits home, how addictions and sexual issues have permeated this family for generations, going back to the great grandmother on my husbands side.
Just a little family tree on my husbands side. When he was born, his mother was young, had no job and no husband. She had a young child already, whose father apparently had died. She was living with her parents. Her dad told her "I am not raising another one of your children, either get a job and your own place to live and keep this child or give it up." I guess my mother in law didn't really feel like she had much choice as she had no job skills and therefore no way of caring for this second child. So the family decided the best thing for my husband would be for her brother to adopt him. At least he would be raised by family. They wouldn't tell him he was adopted, and his mother would be his aunt. So that's what happened. His uncle and his wife adopted him. Then that marriage fell apart and they both remarried. His adopted mom kept him instead of his uncle.
His biological dad had been told that the baby had been miscarried. Now whether his birth mother told his biological dad this or whether his aunt told his dad this is somewhat unclear. According to his adopted step mom his aunt wrote his biological dad telling him that his birth mother was no longer pregnant, she had lost the baby, so it was no sense in coming back to town to marry her. His biological dad also was expecting another baby or had a baby with some other women during this time. Who that was or who that child is, I don't think anyone in the family knows.
What a sad way to start life. A dad who doesn't know you exist, a mom who is unable to care for you. Given away, only to have that family split and a new family started. It seems to me that as far as my husband goes, the odds have been stacked against him from the day he was conceived.
There were seven sibling I believe on his mothers side. Six girls and one boy. His mom and one of his aunts has passed away. From what I am told the sisters of his family had quite the reputation. They were pretty, friendly and willing, if you know what I mean. Some people like to say that one of the sisters has slept with with every man in three counties. Granted, this opinion comes because that particular sister had an affair with somebody's hsuband at that time. So the resentment and bitterness may cloud the story a bit.
It's not surprising that these girls were wild and loose though, because then you hear how their father like to spend his time at the local bars and was known for being a "touchy feely kind of man." "Lucky" for him and apparently his brothers, they lived in a day and age where such behavior was tolerated. Its rumored that one of his brothers didn't care what age you were, you could be old or you could be young. People whispered stories, but no one ever did anything. Now in this day and age, this type of stuff will get you locked up for good or at least on a registry for life.
I didn't know any of this until after I had my own children. At the time, when I met my husband, if you had told me this stuff, I still probably wouldn't have given two thoughts about these stories. That's all they would be to me stories about other people. I would never have thought about the implications they might have for my children. I wouldn't have said "Hey, wait a moment, if his family has these issues, he might have the same issues." Now I wonder about the genetic component. I kick myself for not realizing that where he comes from will affect who he is, even if he was raised differently. I wonder about nature versus nurture. Can a loving nurturing environment over come genetic predispostion? Will my own children carry the same legacy of not being truthful, of looking for love by sleeping with anyone who shows them some attention? Based on the past,and the present nightmare that we are living, I am concerned, that it is highly possible. I am optimistic that it doesn't have to be that way, though. I think that we can change the outcome if we are willing to talk about the past honestly without judgement and fear. (check out the website sexualfuterist.com. I think they are on to something about honestly talking about sex)
Maybe by learning about the past, we can begin to figure out what steps to take to avoid the same future mistakes. Just maybe, if other people begin to open up about their family histories, we will see that, these stories I am sharing here, on not much different for other people. Just maybe, we as a country will see that the registry is not going to protect us since most molestation happens from a family member or friend of the family. Just maybe, we will see that its not that people are evil or predators, but instead have been broken for generations and need healing more than they need judgment and isolation. I want to break the cycle of shame and abuse more than I want to be rich or have the perfect American life. I want healing for my husband, his family, our family. I want to find answers so that other families can find healing and peace. I don't want to see other children growing up with the shame that my children are growing with right now.
What about you? Why are you reading this blog? Is it because you have your story and are looking for answers? What have you learned from your own life experiences? What struggles are you going through? Please feel free to share. Thank you for stopping by.
The relationships on my husband's side are as twisted and mind boggling as any soap opera. The truth is just as confusing. Some days when I talk to his family, I feel like I should be taking notes so that I don't get things all mixed up.. Then again, they might ask why I am taking notes. Do you think they would mind, if I wrote a book? I don't know, some might be cool with it, others would probably be highly upset. Not to mention, I am sure no one could agree on what was true or not.
My husbands adopted step mother loves to talk and tell stories. Her stories are colorful and can be fascinating. When you are with her, if you don't have much to say, then its perfect because she will do all the talking and she won't ask a lot of personal questions. Instead all you have to do is listen, and listen and listen.
Some of the stories she shares though hits home, how addictions and sexual issues have permeated this family for generations, going back to the great grandmother on my husbands side.
Just a little family tree on my husbands side. When he was born, his mother was young, had no job and no husband. She had a young child already, whose father apparently had died. She was living with her parents. Her dad told her "I am not raising another one of your children, either get a job and your own place to live and keep this child or give it up." I guess my mother in law didn't really feel like she had much choice as she had no job skills and therefore no way of caring for this second child. So the family decided the best thing for my husband would be for her brother to adopt him. At least he would be raised by family. They wouldn't tell him he was adopted, and his mother would be his aunt. So that's what happened. His uncle and his wife adopted him. Then that marriage fell apart and they both remarried. His adopted mom kept him instead of his uncle.
His biological dad had been told that the baby had been miscarried. Now whether his birth mother told his biological dad this or whether his aunt told his dad this is somewhat unclear. According to his adopted step mom his aunt wrote his biological dad telling him that his birth mother was no longer pregnant, she had lost the baby, so it was no sense in coming back to town to marry her. His biological dad also was expecting another baby or had a baby with some other women during this time. Who that was or who that child is, I don't think anyone in the family knows.
What a sad way to start life. A dad who doesn't know you exist, a mom who is unable to care for you. Given away, only to have that family split and a new family started. It seems to me that as far as my husband goes, the odds have been stacked against him from the day he was conceived.
There were seven sibling I believe on his mothers side. Six girls and one boy. His mom and one of his aunts has passed away. From what I am told the sisters of his family had quite the reputation. They were pretty, friendly and willing, if you know what I mean. Some people like to say that one of the sisters has slept with with every man in three counties. Granted, this opinion comes because that particular sister had an affair with somebody's hsuband at that time. So the resentment and bitterness may cloud the story a bit.
It's not surprising that these girls were wild and loose though, because then you hear how their father like to spend his time at the local bars and was known for being a "touchy feely kind of man." "Lucky" for him and apparently his brothers, they lived in a day and age where such behavior was tolerated. Its rumored that one of his brothers didn't care what age you were, you could be old or you could be young. People whispered stories, but no one ever did anything. Now in this day and age, this type of stuff will get you locked up for good or at least on a registry for life.
I didn't know any of this until after I had my own children. At the time, when I met my husband, if you had told me this stuff, I still probably wouldn't have given two thoughts about these stories. That's all they would be to me stories about other people. I would never have thought about the implications they might have for my children. I wouldn't have said "Hey, wait a moment, if his family has these issues, he might have the same issues." Now I wonder about the genetic component. I kick myself for not realizing that where he comes from will affect who he is, even if he was raised differently. I wonder about nature versus nurture. Can a loving nurturing environment over come genetic predispostion? Will my own children carry the same legacy of not being truthful, of looking for love by sleeping with anyone who shows them some attention? Based on the past,and the present nightmare that we are living, I am concerned, that it is highly possible. I am optimistic that it doesn't have to be that way, though. I think that we can change the outcome if we are willing to talk about the past honestly without judgement and fear. (check out the website sexualfuterist.com. I think they are on to something about honestly talking about sex)
Maybe by learning about the past, we can begin to figure out what steps to take to avoid the same future mistakes. Just maybe, if other people begin to open up about their family histories, we will see that, these stories I am sharing here, on not much different for other people. Just maybe, we as a country will see that the registry is not going to protect us since most molestation happens from a family member or friend of the family. Just maybe, we will see that its not that people are evil or predators, but instead have been broken for generations and need healing more than they need judgment and isolation. I want to break the cycle of shame and abuse more than I want to be rich or have the perfect American life. I want healing for my husband, his family, our family. I want to find answers so that other families can find healing and peace. I don't want to see other children growing up with the shame that my children are growing with right now.
What about you? Why are you reading this blog? Is it because you have your story and are looking for answers? What have you learned from your own life experiences? What struggles are you going through? Please feel free to share. Thank you for stopping by.
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