So many days, I feel crazy in my head. I have a lot to figure out and don't know where to turn. Often I can't figure out what it is that I should be doing. I am tired tonight, so lets see how far I get.
Frankly, I am tired, tired of dealing with alcoholism, tired of being married to someone with the RSO label and how that makes me feel. Tired, of not having a vacation, literally. Tired, of being in debt. I have been worn down by the constant emotional toil that life has taken.
I currently rent, but I know that my landlord wants to sell the house, and I know that I am not in a position to buy it. I also fear that because I am now paying for health insurance, I will not be able to afford renting this house and will need to move. The question is where to move.
Do I find a place around here to move into, so that my children can hopefully stay in the same school and have contact, however limited with their other brothers and sisters? They also have aunts and uncles in the area. Altogether, there is probably a good 20 family members around here between my family and my husband's family. That is a major reason to stay. They would like to stay in the same school as well.
Chances are my husband will eventually return to the area, man up and face the court charges and quite possibly go back to jail. He should stay in this state because if he does there is the possibility that he will come off the registry. He is due to come off this June. I don't know how it will play out since he has been running from his DUI, cps and the other stuff that he has been accused of , but currently not charged with. Confusing, huh? Is it better to stay here and deal with everything?
I sometimes, get the strong desire to, lose my phone, pack up the kids and just leave this life behind, make a new start. Can I really start over with all the baggage that comes with being married and having kids with a man? It's a thought, but...would it be the best thing?.
Still, when I daydream about moving, I think I would like to move to Houston, Texas area. I have never been there; it sounds like an interesting area. I like the idea of being where it's warm and near the ocean. I love exploring new places. The cost of housing, is cheaper than it is in the north east. Texas has a stronger economy than this area and lots of jobs in my line of work. Don't you think, a new start, would be a good thing?
My husband hates the idea of Texas because he believes that they are more apt to shoot you, or lock you up and throw away the key. I don't think,it's a friendly state if you have a crimnal past.
Logically, the other place I should move to, would be near my job. Ya, know, cut down on the commute, be home at a reasonable time. It's still not so far away, that we couldn't visit family once in a while. The big problem, is I am so freaking tired of NY state. I can't wait to get away from it. If my husband moves back to NY, even if after coming off the registry I think he would have to stay on the registry for another 20-30 years because we moved there while he was on the registry and got slammed with 20 additional years for NY state. I think that that its totally unfair of how the states can tack on additional time when you have done your registry time in another state. That definitely, needs to change.
I know a part of me, is wishing for a knight in white to come rescue me. I know that is unrealistic. I also know that realistically speaking, as much crap as I talk at times, I love my husband and can't see myself with anyone else.
The other big reason why I am so wracked with indecision is because I can't figure out, what does "God" (or whatever higher power there is) want me to? Half the time, I am not sure there is a God. If there is one, does he want me to continue to stay with a man who is so troubled or is he telling me to hit the road? What "sign" is he giving me, that I am not listening to? When bad things happen, is it just life and you roll with punches and carry on or is it something more than that? Is there a purpose to his relapse? They say everything happens for a reason.
I was brought up to believe that when bad things happen, there are a few main reasons. 1) its caused by sin and or the devil. If I did wrong, its because I gave into temptation. 2) if I am not being blessed, its because I am not doing something right, such as not paying tithe, not following God enough. Now I don't confess to follow God, don't pay tithe, don't go to church. Is all this stuff happening because I don't do such things. I don't believe its the devil attacking me because I am messing up my life without his help pretty good. I don't like using the belief in God, like a suger daddy. If you follow him, then you get what you want. That just doesn't seem right either. 3) One of the other reasons is that there is a purpose or reason. God is trying to make you stronger for something else. There is a lesson for your to learn. If that is the reason, I am good with that too. I just need to know what it is, I need to learn, so we can move on and get to the good stuff.
So today, my prayer is that if there is a god, please prepare me for your answer and remove whatever blinders that keep me from following the path I am supposed to take. I don't think that I really mind what direction my life takes as long as its the path that I am supposed to be on. I think that I would be perfectly fine to love my husband as long as that is the "right thing" to do.
Like always, please feel to share. How do you figure out what direction to take in your life? How do you know you are on the "right path"?
Frankly, I am tired, tired of dealing with alcoholism, tired of being married to someone with the RSO label and how that makes me feel. Tired, of not having a vacation, literally. Tired, of being in debt. I have been worn down by the constant emotional toil that life has taken.
I currently rent, but I know that my landlord wants to sell the house, and I know that I am not in a position to buy it. I also fear that because I am now paying for health insurance, I will not be able to afford renting this house and will need to move. The question is where to move.
Do I find a place around here to move into, so that my children can hopefully stay in the same school and have contact, however limited with their other brothers and sisters? They also have aunts and uncles in the area. Altogether, there is probably a good 20 family members around here between my family and my husband's family. That is a major reason to stay. They would like to stay in the same school as well.
Chances are my husband will eventually return to the area, man up and face the court charges and quite possibly go back to jail. He should stay in this state because if he does there is the possibility that he will come off the registry. He is due to come off this June. I don't know how it will play out since he has been running from his DUI, cps and the other stuff that he has been accused of , but currently not charged with. Confusing, huh? Is it better to stay here and deal with everything?
I sometimes, get the strong desire to, lose my phone, pack up the kids and just leave this life behind, make a new start. Can I really start over with all the baggage that comes with being married and having kids with a man? It's a thought, but...would it be the best thing?.
Still, when I daydream about moving, I think I would like to move to Houston, Texas area. I have never been there; it sounds like an interesting area. I like the idea of being where it's warm and near the ocean. I love exploring new places. The cost of housing, is cheaper than it is in the north east. Texas has a stronger economy than this area and lots of jobs in my line of work. Don't you think, a new start, would be a good thing?
My husband hates the idea of Texas because he believes that they are more apt to shoot you, or lock you up and throw away the key. I don't think,it's a friendly state if you have a crimnal past.
Logically, the other place I should move to, would be near my job. Ya, know, cut down on the commute, be home at a reasonable time. It's still not so far away, that we couldn't visit family once in a while. The big problem, is I am so freaking tired of NY state. I can't wait to get away from it. If my husband moves back to NY, even if after coming off the registry I think he would have to stay on the registry for another 20-30 years because we moved there while he was on the registry and got slammed with 20 additional years for NY state. I think that that its totally unfair of how the states can tack on additional time when you have done your registry time in another state. That definitely, needs to change.
I know a part of me, is wishing for a knight in white to come rescue me. I know that is unrealistic. I also know that realistically speaking, as much crap as I talk at times, I love my husband and can't see myself with anyone else.
The other big reason why I am so wracked with indecision is because I can't figure out, what does "God" (or whatever higher power there is) want me to? Half the time, I am not sure there is a God. If there is one, does he want me to continue to stay with a man who is so troubled or is he telling me to hit the road? What "sign" is he giving me, that I am not listening to? When bad things happen, is it just life and you roll with punches and carry on or is it something more than that? Is there a purpose to his relapse? They say everything happens for a reason.
I was brought up to believe that when bad things happen, there are a few main reasons. 1) its caused by sin and or the devil. If I did wrong, its because I gave into temptation. 2) if I am not being blessed, its because I am not doing something right, such as not paying tithe, not following God enough. Now I don't confess to follow God, don't pay tithe, don't go to church. Is all this stuff happening because I don't do such things. I don't believe its the devil attacking me because I am messing up my life without his help pretty good. I don't like using the belief in God, like a suger daddy. If you follow him, then you get what you want. That just doesn't seem right either. 3) One of the other reasons is that there is a purpose or reason. God is trying to make you stronger for something else. There is a lesson for your to learn. If that is the reason, I am good with that too. I just need to know what it is, I need to learn, so we can move on and get to the good stuff.
So today, my prayer is that if there is a god, please prepare me for your answer and remove whatever blinders that keep me from following the path I am supposed to take. I don't think that I really mind what direction my life takes as long as its the path that I am supposed to be on. I think that I would be perfectly fine to love my husband as long as that is the "right thing" to do.
Like always, please feel to share. How do you figure out what direction to take in your life? How do you know you are on the "right path"?
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