I just finished reading the book 19 Minutes. It's a novel written about a boy who shot students in his school. I really liked how the author didn't try to demonize people in the story, but wrote from trying to help the reader get to know the characters and to get insight into their actions.
A big theme is the bullying that took place toward the boy/killer. We hear a lot about bullying from the media and the schools. I missed the movie that was put out in the last year about the effects that bullying has. I heard it was very moving.
Last week, my daughter asked me if she could stay home from school so she could talk to her friend who is a victim of bullying. Her friend told her that she has been cutting her wrists. From what I understand, she feels harassed and unaccepted by students, peers and her family because of her sexual orientation. My daughter, who has cut herself before in the past, wanted to make sure her friend knew she cared, even though she lives four hours away because she knows first hand the pain that one can be feeling when they cut themselves. I let her stay at home, because, even though I know physically there is very little she can do to help her friend. I felt that if she didn't do what little she could do for her friend, even if it was just texting and talking, if something happened, she would blame herself. I could tell her a million times, it wasn't her fault, but I know she wouldn't believe me. As a parent, I hate to see my daughter getting sucked into this drama, especially when we have so much drama going on in our own lives. I want to protect my daughter, and at the same time allow her to do what she feels is the right thing for her.
There are so many tough decisions in life. For my daughter, would her friend be mad that she told an adult about what is happening? Would she lose her friendship over this. Do you ever feel torn between honoring what was told you in confidence, yet trying to protect someone from themselves? How do you reach the parent of a child, who has moved since you left an area, and the only communication is texting or social media? Who do you report it too? Thankfully, one of her other friends told her mom what has been happening, so hopefully healing can begin.
I think that most of us, can recall times of what it felt like to be bullied. Maybe some of us recall being bullies. Probably there are a good many that fall into both categories. I believe that most people who are bullies, probably learned the behavior somewhere. If they didn't learn the behavior then I guess it's instinct. Survival of the fittest. Ever notice the natural hierarchy in the animal kingdom, and human civilization? As much as we don't like to talk about it or admit it, there is a natural pecking order in society. Upper class, middle class and lower class. Jock vs nerd, babe vs geek, rich vs poor.
I remember having chickens and how the weakest chickens would get picked on by the stronger chickens. It was so difficult to watch and you just wanted to run out punish the those mean, nasty roosters. I also know that the roosters would attack me, before they would attack my husband. Chickens are not as dumb as people would like to think they are.
My daughters are subject to bullying, especially my oldest one. She truly marches to the beat of her own drum. Adults love her, kids her own age, it's a little more difficult. She, is like her mother, a little bit socially clumsy. Lucky for me, I eventually went to a small church school and was spared bullying. Unfortunately for her, she is in public school where he lying is pronounced. Something to think about....when chickens don't have a enough space or food, the bullying behavior is intensified. When they have wide open spaces so to speak and freedom to forage for their own food, the fighting lessens a great deal. Do you think there is a lesson, we could learn from this behavior? Cramming our children into overcrowded class rooms may be intensifying the bullying behavior, and the bullied ones have no where to go, so to speak. It's just something, we may want to think about if we really want to stop this behavior. Personally, I am all for changing our educational system.
When we moved, though it wasn't for the sole purpose to escape bullying, it was a factor in our leaving. I remember last year, just after we moved in Feb. to down state NY, and she transferred schools, how she became the target of cruel facebook posts because she became friends with a boy. Unbeknown to her, he had broken up with a girl, who now was ridiculing both my daughter and her friend.
One part of me, wanted to react like a wild mom toward this girl and her friends. I am down playing how I really feel, but if you are a parent, you probably know how I was feeling...I did contact the school, facebook, the children and their parents on facebook with a private message that was very calm and rational about what a horrible thing it was to be bullying others like this. There was a brave girl who told her peers that what they were saying was wrong. I commended her for being brave and going against peer pressure. I also contacted my daughter's friend's mother and let her know what was being said about her son on facebook. For awhile I had my daughter stay off facebook because, you don't need to let your child needlessly hurt themselves over and over again by reading hateful emails or messages. I had to start limiting my facebook time as because I was becoming obsessive to a certain point.
I learned a little background information about some of the children involved in the bullying. One of the boys who was an instigator, came from a separated home. People who knew his family, talked about how his mom was an alcoholic and drug addict and that his dad wasn't very involved in his life. It's sad. I can get why he is acting out. I understand the rejection and jealousy that the girl was feeling. Though dating at the age of 11 is beyond me. I don't think dating should be in any child's vocabulary until at least 15. We may think our children are smarter and wiser than we were at their age. I totally disagree. They may have been exposed to more adult subject matters and may know more about technology, but they are still emotionally immature and are not ready to be dealing with these matters at this tender age. ( Even my daughters friend and her sexual preference. I am of the personal opinion that she is a bit young to be worrying about whether she likes boys, girls or both. Focus on school, grades, your childhood and worry about who you like in about another 5 years. She will be amazed at the difference a few years will make.)
I can understand why my daughter and her friend are easy targets. They both are sensitive, mild mannered children who don't look like those children who you see on TV. They are both a little chunky so to speak, don't have the coolest, greatest clothes. (Don't let me get started on the clothes because I absolutely hate the style of today's, hip hugging jeans!!!!!!) they don't have perfect cream and peaches complexion. What they do have is a beautiful caring spirit, that won't be appreciated till they are older.
What I see as far as bullying goes is a multifaceted issue. We live in a society that bombards all of us with sexual messages almost constantly. These messages confuse our children at a young age, making some of them vulnerable to being bullied. I am not saying to bar or censor the media, but if we all make conscious decisions that we are not going to buy into their propaganda, things would change. Its that supply and demand theory that we learn about in economics. I like sex, its fascinating and feels good, but that doesn't mean that I have to surround myself with it every day. There is a time and place. I guess, my point is, change begins with us, individually. If we want to change the direction this country is taking, we have to change the direction we ourselves are taking. This is the same in our families. We need make sure we modeling healthy relationships for our children. Are we bullied by our spouses or partner? Do we bully our children in some way, whether it be emotionally or physically?
What do we do with the bullies? Should we make a bully wall of shame in the schools? Will that help the bullies change? I bet some people would think it would be a great idea. Personally, I think that as tempting as it sounds, to shame the people who shamed you, I don't think its a healing solution. How about support groups for people who have bullied? Maybe if we met with other people who have been bullied or are being bullied, we could find empathy, understanding and unity. Sometimes that is what the bullied person may need the most, understanding that they are not alone.
We can not depend on the government or our schools to fix the bullying. We have to start with changes in our home and let it work its way out to our community. Healing comes from inside. It cannot be mandated by government. Morality can not be mandated by our leaders. We have to decide for ourselves what kind of people we want to be.
A big theme is the bullying that took place toward the boy/killer. We hear a lot about bullying from the media and the schools. I missed the movie that was put out in the last year about the effects that bullying has. I heard it was very moving.
Last week, my daughter asked me if she could stay home from school so she could talk to her friend who is a victim of bullying. Her friend told her that she has been cutting her wrists. From what I understand, she feels harassed and unaccepted by students, peers and her family because of her sexual orientation. My daughter, who has cut herself before in the past, wanted to make sure her friend knew she cared, even though she lives four hours away because she knows first hand the pain that one can be feeling when they cut themselves. I let her stay at home, because, even though I know physically there is very little she can do to help her friend. I felt that if she didn't do what little she could do for her friend, even if it was just texting and talking, if something happened, she would blame herself. I could tell her a million times, it wasn't her fault, but I know she wouldn't believe me. As a parent, I hate to see my daughter getting sucked into this drama, especially when we have so much drama going on in our own lives. I want to protect my daughter, and at the same time allow her to do what she feels is the right thing for her.
There are so many tough decisions in life. For my daughter, would her friend be mad that she told an adult about what is happening? Would she lose her friendship over this. Do you ever feel torn between honoring what was told you in confidence, yet trying to protect someone from themselves? How do you reach the parent of a child, who has moved since you left an area, and the only communication is texting or social media? Who do you report it too? Thankfully, one of her other friends told her mom what has been happening, so hopefully healing can begin.
I think that most of us, can recall times of what it felt like to be bullied. Maybe some of us recall being bullies. Probably there are a good many that fall into both categories. I believe that most people who are bullies, probably learned the behavior somewhere. If they didn't learn the behavior then I guess it's instinct. Survival of the fittest. Ever notice the natural hierarchy in the animal kingdom, and human civilization? As much as we don't like to talk about it or admit it, there is a natural pecking order in society. Upper class, middle class and lower class. Jock vs nerd, babe vs geek, rich vs poor.
I remember having chickens and how the weakest chickens would get picked on by the stronger chickens. It was so difficult to watch and you just wanted to run out punish the those mean, nasty roosters. I also know that the roosters would attack me, before they would attack my husband. Chickens are not as dumb as people would like to think they are.
My daughters are subject to bullying, especially my oldest one. She truly marches to the beat of her own drum. Adults love her, kids her own age, it's a little more difficult. She, is like her mother, a little bit socially clumsy. Lucky for me, I eventually went to a small church school and was spared bullying. Unfortunately for her, she is in public school where he lying is pronounced. Something to think about....when chickens don't have a enough space or food, the bullying behavior is intensified. When they have wide open spaces so to speak and freedom to forage for their own food, the fighting lessens a great deal. Do you think there is a lesson, we could learn from this behavior? Cramming our children into overcrowded class rooms may be intensifying the bullying behavior, and the bullied ones have no where to go, so to speak. It's just something, we may want to think about if we really want to stop this behavior. Personally, I am all for changing our educational system.
When we moved, though it wasn't for the sole purpose to escape bullying, it was a factor in our leaving. I remember last year, just after we moved in Feb. to down state NY, and she transferred schools, how she became the target of cruel facebook posts because she became friends with a boy. Unbeknown to her, he had broken up with a girl, who now was ridiculing both my daughter and her friend.
One part of me, wanted to react like a wild mom toward this girl and her friends. I am down playing how I really feel, but if you are a parent, you probably know how I was feeling...I did contact the school, facebook, the children and their parents on facebook with a private message that was very calm and rational about what a horrible thing it was to be bullying others like this. There was a brave girl who told her peers that what they were saying was wrong. I commended her for being brave and going against peer pressure. I also contacted my daughter's friend's mother and let her know what was being said about her son on facebook. For awhile I had my daughter stay off facebook because, you don't need to let your child needlessly hurt themselves over and over again by reading hateful emails or messages. I had to start limiting my facebook time as because I was becoming obsessive to a certain point.
I learned a little background information about some of the children involved in the bullying. One of the boys who was an instigator, came from a separated home. People who knew his family, talked about how his mom was an alcoholic and drug addict and that his dad wasn't very involved in his life. It's sad. I can get why he is acting out. I understand the rejection and jealousy that the girl was feeling. Though dating at the age of 11 is beyond me. I don't think dating should be in any child's vocabulary until at least 15. We may think our children are smarter and wiser than we were at their age. I totally disagree. They may have been exposed to more adult subject matters and may know more about technology, but they are still emotionally immature and are not ready to be dealing with these matters at this tender age. ( Even my daughters friend and her sexual preference. I am of the personal opinion that she is a bit young to be worrying about whether she likes boys, girls or both. Focus on school, grades, your childhood and worry about who you like in about another 5 years. She will be amazed at the difference a few years will make.)
I can understand why my daughter and her friend are easy targets. They both are sensitive, mild mannered children who don't look like those children who you see on TV. They are both a little chunky so to speak, don't have the coolest, greatest clothes. (Don't let me get started on the clothes because I absolutely hate the style of today's, hip hugging jeans!!!!!!) they don't have perfect cream and peaches complexion. What they do have is a beautiful caring spirit, that won't be appreciated till they are older.
What I see as far as bullying goes is a multifaceted issue. We live in a society that bombards all of us with sexual messages almost constantly. These messages confuse our children at a young age, making some of them vulnerable to being bullied. I am not saying to bar or censor the media, but if we all make conscious decisions that we are not going to buy into their propaganda, things would change. Its that supply and demand theory that we learn about in economics. I like sex, its fascinating and feels good, but that doesn't mean that I have to surround myself with it every day. There is a time and place. I guess, my point is, change begins with us, individually. If we want to change the direction this country is taking, we have to change the direction we ourselves are taking. This is the same in our families. We need make sure we modeling healthy relationships for our children. Are we bullied by our spouses or partner? Do we bully our children in some way, whether it be emotionally or physically?
What do we do with the bullies? Should we make a bully wall of shame in the schools? Will that help the bullies change? I bet some people would think it would be a great idea. Personally, I think that as tempting as it sounds, to shame the people who shamed you, I don't think its a healing solution. How about support groups for people who have bullied? Maybe if we met with other people who have been bullied or are being bullied, we could find empathy, understanding and unity. Sometimes that is what the bullied person may need the most, understanding that they are not alone.
We can not depend on the government or our schools to fix the bullying. We have to start with changes in our home and let it work its way out to our community. Healing comes from inside. It cannot be mandated by government. Morality can not be mandated by our leaders. We have to decide for ourselves what kind of people we want to be.
No comments:
Post a Comment