It's the day after the Boston Marathon bombing. Feels like a small version of 911. Hard not to feel sad and a little lost. I am sure many others were wondering where is the next bomb gonna off at? I hope that we can live and not be ruled by fear.
Today is a lonely day. I feel a little forlorn and melancholy, more than usual. Sometimes you just think about so many sad and unjust things that it brings you down. I want to write tonight, not because I have anything happy or upbeat to say. I wish I did, I just don't. I just need to get some of this darkness out of my head and shine the light of truth on it. I want to talk about how vulnerable person can be.
My husband has been gone for almost 4 mos now. We still talk and text a few times a day. I miss him everyday. I feel like a zombie sometimes, just existing, going through the motions. Pretending to be alive when inside I feel lost, empty. It's hard to go through these feelings and live this way. I have lived through it once before and now I guess I get to live it once more. So often I want to run away. Other times, I just want someone else to love and hold me, take some of this incredible loneliness I feel and make it go away.
This loneliness makes a person vulnerable. In my head it would be so easy to have an affair. Who would blame me? He is gone, most likely going to be gone for a long time and maybe in the end years? I know its probably not fair for me to encourage him in someone ways to find someone new to be with. It just seems the easiest way to go. If he fell in love with someone else, which would be easier for him than for me, we could just kind of stop this charade of being together. Do you really think things will ever be the same when or if he ever comes home? Do you think our children, especially my oldest will easily welcome him back home? Do you think that we will be able to pick up where we left off?
Its hard, I try telling him I'm not in a real good spot right now. Other men, seem really attractive right now, more than usual. It's not that I am afraid I will cheat on him. I may want to, but it's something that the walls I keep around my heart keep me from doing. Sometimes that is aggravating in its self. I wish I was one of those free spirits who can love easily. Love doesn't come easily to me. I think I can count on my hands the people in my life, that I have said the words I love you and meant it. It's a small miracle that we ended up together because it's really difficult for most people to get past the invisible walls I put up. I guess that's why when I do love someone, I don't stop loving them, even when I know I should.
In the past when he was incarcerated, I found that the easiest way to deal with these vulnerable stages was to be honest and upfront about it. Say, hey...I have a crush on so and so. When I did this, the feelings I may have been experiencing, seemed to diminish. It was hard to talk about, but it helped a lot. I don't know why it worked, it just did. That's why I think honesty, even when it hurts is very important in a relationship.
For me the honesty that I usually give to him isn't there. I haven't told him about this blog or my "other face book" account. It's not that I need to hide these things from him. I could tell him about them, but what's the point?( I am sure if I am honest with my self, that some of my actions and thinking is a bit about hurting him and getting revenge in some small weird way. ) When he comes home (if that happens) then I will share this part of my life with him. I know he would criticize me for this blog, saying I put too much personal stuff out there that could hurt us. I just can't keep living a lie, acting like everything is good, when there is so much pain.
It's different this time, this is the longest I have ever gone without seeing him. Our conversations are limited. Having an honest conversation in which we are connecting just isn't happening at the moment. Whether it's me, him or the situation, I am not sure. It's just so hard not to drift away, me in my life and him in his life. He doesn't seem capable of an honest to goodness conversation at the moment. I don't know if counseling would help. So here I am trying to share with someone how things honestly are, the raw painful emotions and the toll that loving someone with addictions can take. I hope by sharing what reality is for me, that some how, it will help the people to start talking about the truth of their lives instead of hiding behind the picture they want everyone else to see.
Today is a lonely day. I feel a little forlorn and melancholy, more than usual. Sometimes you just think about so many sad and unjust things that it brings you down. I want to write tonight, not because I have anything happy or upbeat to say. I wish I did, I just don't. I just need to get some of this darkness out of my head and shine the light of truth on it. I want to talk about how vulnerable person can be.
My husband has been gone for almost 4 mos now. We still talk and text a few times a day. I miss him everyday. I feel like a zombie sometimes, just existing, going through the motions. Pretending to be alive when inside I feel lost, empty. It's hard to go through these feelings and live this way. I have lived through it once before and now I guess I get to live it once more. So often I want to run away. Other times, I just want someone else to love and hold me, take some of this incredible loneliness I feel and make it go away.
This loneliness makes a person vulnerable. In my head it would be so easy to have an affair. Who would blame me? He is gone, most likely going to be gone for a long time and maybe in the end years? I know its probably not fair for me to encourage him in someone ways to find someone new to be with. It just seems the easiest way to go. If he fell in love with someone else, which would be easier for him than for me, we could just kind of stop this charade of being together. Do you really think things will ever be the same when or if he ever comes home? Do you think our children, especially my oldest will easily welcome him back home? Do you think that we will be able to pick up where we left off?
Its hard, I try telling him I'm not in a real good spot right now. Other men, seem really attractive right now, more than usual. It's not that I am afraid I will cheat on him. I may want to, but it's something that the walls I keep around my heart keep me from doing. Sometimes that is aggravating in its self. I wish I was one of those free spirits who can love easily. Love doesn't come easily to me. I think I can count on my hands the people in my life, that I have said the words I love you and meant it. It's a small miracle that we ended up together because it's really difficult for most people to get past the invisible walls I put up. I guess that's why when I do love someone, I don't stop loving them, even when I know I should.
In the past when he was incarcerated, I found that the easiest way to deal with these vulnerable stages was to be honest and upfront about it. Say, hey...I have a crush on so and so. When I did this, the feelings I may have been experiencing, seemed to diminish. It was hard to talk about, but it helped a lot. I don't know why it worked, it just did. That's why I think honesty, even when it hurts is very important in a relationship.
For me the honesty that I usually give to him isn't there. I haven't told him about this blog or my "other face book" account. It's not that I need to hide these things from him. I could tell him about them, but what's the point?( I am sure if I am honest with my self, that some of my actions and thinking is a bit about hurting him and getting revenge in some small weird way. ) When he comes home (if that happens) then I will share this part of my life with him. I know he would criticize me for this blog, saying I put too much personal stuff out there that could hurt us. I just can't keep living a lie, acting like everything is good, when there is so much pain.
It's different this time, this is the longest I have ever gone without seeing him. Our conversations are limited. Having an honest conversation in which we are connecting just isn't happening at the moment. Whether it's me, him or the situation, I am not sure. It's just so hard not to drift away, me in my life and him in his life. He doesn't seem capable of an honest to goodness conversation at the moment. I don't know if counseling would help. So here I am trying to share with someone how things honestly are, the raw painful emotions and the toll that loving someone with addictions can take. I hope by sharing what reality is for me, that some how, it will help the people to start talking about the truth of their lives instead of hiding behind the picture they want everyone else to see.
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