words I hate

There are some words that i absolutely positively detest and I cringe when ever I hear them, words like victim, needy, those people, cunt,and sex offenders.  I hate these words because they are negative, condescending, demeaning and they isolate people from one another.
The word victim is used to describe someone who had something bad happen to them that, that they had no control over it.  Every time some misfortune happens to someone people want to talk about how they are victim.   Your parents mistreated you, you are a victim.  A tornado destroyed your house, you are a victim.  You loss your job, you are a victim. You have cancer, you are a victim.  A victim is someone who needs help and compensation usually for how unfair life has treated them.  the problem I have with this, is that then we are all victims of something.  Life isn't fair, sometimes its down right crappy.  Some people have an easier time of it than others.  Some people seem to have really shitty things happen to them.  The thing is we all have bad things happen from time to time.  Does that make us all victims?  I guess if being human makes you a victim then it does.  Personally, I hate to see myself as a victim no matter what happens to me.  I like to see myself as getting stronger, learning and growing from whatever comes my way, not as a victim in need of help or pity from some other person.  Sure I may need to lean on you for support from time to time and that's fine as long as you understand, that we are equal and you are no better or no less than me.  It's like that song, "lean on me, when you not strong, I'll be there to help you carry on.  You can call on me brother, when you need a hand,  cause we all need someone to lean on. I just might have a problem that you understand, we all need somebody to lean on." this song, does not make victims out of people, instead it reminds that we all to lean on each other because we are in this together.  No one person is better than the other.
Same with the word needy, which implies that someone needs something, and we are just the person to supply it.  The funny thing about people who need something, is that the people who are giving to the "needy" person act like they are doing them a favor, never realizing that maybe they are the ones in need of something.  Someone may need some heat to stay warm this winter, but maybe, just maybe they have wisdom that someone else desperately needs.  Again, its these words portray in my head, an inequality, imbalance between the giver and the receiver.
I hate the word sex offender because again, it makes it sound like that person is different from you or me, for which I totally disagree.   People may hate what I have to say, but I believe we are all capable of sexual offenses.  I think we all have the capability to kill, commit affairs, lie, steal, cheat, etc. and that is why sexual offenses scare us so much.  We don't want to admit that in our deepest darkest part of our soul we are no different than the people we are so scared of.  I don't have scientific evidence to prove this, but I don't feel like I need it, especially when I know I am as average as they come, and yet I know that I am just as capable of horrible act as the next person, but by the grace of God, go I. 
There are things, I have said I would never ever ever do and I have done them.  The very fact that I could do things that I totally didn't believe in, things that went against everything I was ever taught, showed me that if I can do these things (which for the average person would not be that bad, but because I grew up in a very strict, conservative home, they were a big deal) despite praying for God's deliverance, then who is to say that anyone is incapable of anything.

                                                                  OOPS
I posted this blog before I had finished it, and then haven't been back on to finish it.
I put the word cunt in my list of words I hate because its one of the ugliest and most infuriating words I think a person can call a women.  Have you ever noticed that the more offensive/curse words have hard sounds in them like fuck, and shit?  I don't know why that it is, maybe because vowels are softer sounding so they don't make good swear words.  Cunt means the same thing as vagina.  If you called me a vagina, it just doesn't have the same ring to it, plus it takes longer to say.  You can call me bitch and I will probably laugh it off.  Call me the c word and I am likely to fight with you and probably with a fist, not just words.  It's one of those words I see red when I hear it.   Even the word dick for men, which is the equivalent, doesn't get the same reaction from men, maybe because they are quite proud of their johnson and don't care if you make references to it.  Not to mention some are saddled with that name at birth. 
In this day and age of equality, it bugs me to still see that women are looked down as the weaker species.  I know that most men won't say that our face because its politically incorrect, but it exists.  Every time, I hear men say to other men, come on "don't be a sally", I know that women though loved by men, still are considered less than them.  I truly don't understand the relationship between men and men or women and men.  When you stop to look at them, it can just be bizarre.  I think love/hate relationship between men and women would be more accurate.  Men love women, but on some level, I think they hate them as well.  Oh, well that could be a blog for another day.  :)
Another word that I think we could replace for more creative one is the word cronies.  I used that word for a report when I was in 10th grade.  I think we could have come up with a new word by now to describe the relationships between politicians.



Being vulnerable is a scary place to be.

It's the day after the Boston Marathon bombing.  Feels like a small version of 911.  Hard not to feel sad and a little lost.  I am sure many others were wondering where is the next bomb gonna off at?  I hope that we can live and not be ruled by fear. 
Today is a lonely day.  I feel a little forlorn and melancholy, more than usual.  Sometimes you just think about so many sad and unjust things that it brings you down.  I want to write tonight, not because I have anything happy or upbeat to say.  I wish I did, I just don't.  I just need to get some of this darkness out of my head and shine the light of truth on it.  I want to talk about how vulnerable person can be. 
My husband has been gone for almost 4 mos now.  We still talk and text a few times a day.  I miss him everyday.  I feel like a zombie sometimes, just existing, going through the motions.  Pretending to be alive when inside I feel lost, empty.  It's hard to go through these feelings and live this way.  I have lived through it once before and now I guess I get to live it once more.  So often I want to run away.  Other times, I just want someone else to love and hold me, take some of this incredible loneliness I feel and make it go away. 
This loneliness makes a person vulnerable.  In my head it would be so easy to have an affair.  Who would blame me?  He is gone, most likely going to be gone for a long time and maybe in the end years?  I know its probably not fair for me to encourage him in someone ways to find someone new to be with.  It just seems the easiest way to go.  If he fell in love with someone else, which would be easier for him than for me, we could just kind of stop this charade of being together.  Do you really think things will ever be the same when or if he ever comes home?  Do you think our children, especially my oldest will easily welcome him back home?  Do you think that we will be able to pick up where we left off? 
Its hard, I try telling him I'm not in a real good spot right now.  Other men, seem really attractive right now, more than usual.  It's not that I am afraid I will cheat on him.  I may want to, but it's something that the walls I keep around my heart keep me from doing.  Sometimes that is aggravating in its self.  I wish I was one of those free spirits who can love easily.  Love  doesn't come easily to me. I think I can count on my hands the people in my life, that I have said the words I love you and meant it.  It's a small miracle that we ended up together because it's really difficult for most people to get past the invisible walls I put up.  I guess that's why when I do love someone, I  don't stop loving them, even when I know I should.
In the past when he was incarcerated, I found that the easiest way to deal with these vulnerable stages was to be honest and upfront about it.  Say, hey...I have a crush on so and so.  When I did this, the feelings I may have been experiencing, seemed to diminish.  It was hard to talk about, but it helped a lot.  I don't know why it worked, it just did.  That's why I think honesty, even when it hurts is very important in a relationship. 
For me the honesty that I usually give to him isn't there.  I haven't told him about this blog or my "other face book"  account.  It's not that I need to hide these things from him.  I could tell him about them, but what's the point?( I am sure if I am honest with my self, that some of my actions and thinking is a bit about hurting him and getting revenge in some small weird way. ) When he comes home (if that happens) then I will share this part of my life with him.  I know he would criticize me for this blog, saying I put too much personal stuff out there that could hurt us.  I just can't keep living a lie, acting like everything is good, when there is so much pain. 
It's different this time, this is the longest I have ever gone without seeing him.  Our conversations are limited.  Having an honest conversation in which we are connecting just isn't happening at the moment.  Whether it's me, him or the situation, I am not sure.  It's just so hard not to drift away, me in my life and him in his life.  He doesn't seem capable of an honest to goodness conversation at the moment.  I don't know if counseling would help.  So here I am trying to share with someone how things honestly are, the raw painful emotions and the toll that loving someone with addictions can take.  I hope by sharing what reality is for me, that some how, it will help the people to start talking about the truth of their lives instead of hiding behind the picture they want everyone else to see.

Bullying....do you think it too will become a shame label?

I just finished reading the book 19 Minutes.  It's a novel written about a boy who shot students in his school.  I really liked how the author didn't try to demonize people in the story, but wrote from trying to help the reader get to know the characters and to get insight into their actions. 
A big theme is the bullying that took place toward the boy/killer.  We hear a lot about bullying from the media and the schools.  I missed the movie that was put out in the last year about the effects that bullying has.  I heard it was very moving.
  Last week, my daughter asked me if she could stay home from school so she could talk to her friend who is a victim of bullying.  Her friend told her that she has been cutting her wrists.  From what I understand, she feels harassed and unaccepted by students, peers and her family because of her sexual orientation.   My daughter, who has cut herself before in the past, wanted to make sure her friend knew she cared, even though she lives four hours away because she knows first hand the pain that one can be feeling when they cut themselves.  I let her stay at home, because, even though I know physically there is very little she can do to help her friend.  I felt that if she didn't do what little she could do for her friend, even if it was just texting and talking, if something happened, she would blame herself.  I could tell her a million times, it wasn't her fault, but I know she wouldn't believe me.  As a parent, I hate to see my daughter getting sucked into this drama, especially when we have so much drama going on in our own lives.  I want to protect my daughter, and at the same time allow her to do what she feels is the right thing for her. 
There are so many tough decisions in life.  For my daughter, would her friend be mad that she told an adult about what is happening?  Would she lose her friendship over this.  Do you ever feel torn between honoring what was told you in confidence, yet trying to protect someone from themselves?  How do you reach the parent of a child, who has moved since you left an area, and the only communication is texting or social media?  Who do you report it too?  Thankfully, one of her other friends told her mom what has been happening, so hopefully healing can begin.
I think that most of us, can recall times of what it felt like to be bullied.  Maybe some of us recall being bullies.  Probably there are a good many that fall into both categories.  I believe that most people who are bullies, probably learned the behavior somewhere.  If they didn't learn the behavior then I guess it's instinct.  Survival of the fittest.  Ever notice the natural hierarchy in the animal kingdom, and human civilization?  As much as we don't like to talk about it or admit it, there is a natural pecking order in society.  Upper class, middle class and lower class.  Jock vs nerd, babe vs geek, rich vs poor.
I remember having chickens and how the weakest chickens would get picked on by the stronger chickens.  It was so difficult to watch and you just wanted to run out punish the those mean, nasty roosters.   I also know that the roosters would attack me, before they would attack my husband.  Chickens are not as dumb as people would like to think they are.
My daughters are subject to bullying, especially my oldest one.  She truly marches to the beat of her own drum.  Adults love her, kids her own age, it's a little more difficult.  She, is like her mother, a little bit socially clumsy.  Lucky for me, I eventually went to a small church school and was spared bullying.  Unfortunately for her, she is in public school where he lying is pronounced.  Something to think about....when chickens don't have a enough space or food, the bullying behavior is intensified.  When they have wide open spaces so to speak and freedom to forage for their own food, the fighting lessens a great deal.  Do you think there is a lesson, we could learn from this behavior?  Cramming our children into overcrowded class rooms may be intensifying the bullying behavior, and the bullied ones have no where to go, so to speak.  It's just something, we may want to think about if we really want to stop this behavior.  Personally, I am all for changing our educational system. 
 When we moved, though it wasn't for the sole purpose to escape bullying, it was a factor in our leaving.  I remember last year, just after we moved in Feb. to down state NY, and she transferred schools, how she became the target of cruel facebook posts because she became friends with a boy.  Unbeknown to her, he had broken up with a girl, who now was ridiculing both my daughter and her friend. 
One part of me, wanted to react like a wild mom toward this girl and her friends. I am down playing how I really feel, but if you are a parent, you probably know how I was feeling...I did contact the school, facebook, the children and their parents on facebook with a private  message that was very calm and rational about what a horrible thing it was to be bullying others like this.  There was a brave girl who told her peers that what they were saying was wrong.  I commended her for being brave and going against peer pressure.   I also contacted my daughter's friend's mother and let her know what was being said about her son on facebook.  For awhile I had my daughter stay off facebook because, you don't need to let your child needlessly hurt themselves over and over again by reading hateful emails or messages.  I had to start limiting my facebook time as because I was becoming obsessive to a certain point.
I learned a little background information about some of the children involved in the bullying.  One of the boys who was an instigator, came from a separated home.  People who knew his family, talked about how his mom was an alcoholic and drug addict and that his dad wasn't very involved in his life.  It's sad.  I can get why he is acting out.  I understand the rejection and jealousy that the girl was feeling.  Though dating at the age of 11 is beyond me.  I don't think dating should be in any child's vocabulary until at least 15.  We may think our children are smarter and wiser than we were at their age.  I totally disagree.  They may have been exposed to more adult subject matters and may know more about technology, but they are still emotionally immature and are not ready to be dealing with these matters at this tender age. ( Even my daughters friend and her sexual preference.  I am of the personal opinion that she is a bit young to be worrying about whether she likes boys, girls or both.  Focus on school, grades, your childhood and worry about who you like in about another 5 years.  She will be amazed at the difference a few years will make.)
 I can understand why my daughter and her friend are easy targets.  They both are sensitive, mild mannered children who don't look like those children who you see on TV.  They are both a little chunky so to speak, don't have the coolest, greatest clothes.  (Don't let me get started on the clothes because I absolutely hate the style of today's, hip hugging jeans!!!!!!)  they don't have perfect cream and peaches complexion.  What they do have is a beautiful caring spirit, that won't be appreciated till they are older.
What I see as far as bullying goes is a multifaceted issue.  We live in a  society that bombards all of us with sexual messages almost constantly.  These messages confuse our children at a young age, making some of them vulnerable to being bullied.  I am not saying to bar or censor the media, but if we all make conscious decisions that we are not going to buy into their propaganda, things would change. Its that supply and demand theory that we learn about in economics. I like sex, its fascinating and feels good, but that doesn't mean that I have to surround myself with it every day.  There is a time and place.  I guess, my point is, change begins with us, individually.  If we want to change the direction this country is taking, we have to change the direction we ourselves are taking.  This is the same in our families.  We need make sure we modeling healthy relationships for our children.  Are we bullied by our spouses or partner?  Do we bully our children in some way, whether it be emotionally or physically?
What do we do with the bullies?  Should we make a bully wall of shame in the schools?  Will that help the bullies change?  I bet some people would think it would be a great idea.  Personally, I think that as tempting as it sounds, to shame the people who shamed you, I don't think its a healing solution.  How about support groups for people who have bullied?  Maybe if we met with other people who have been bullied or are being bullied, we could find empathy, understanding and unity.  Sometimes that is what the bullied person may need the most, understanding that they are not alone.
We can not depend on the government or our schools to fix the bullying.  We have to start with changes in our home and let it work its way out to our community.  Healing comes from inside.  It cannot be mandated by government.  Morality can not be mandated by our leaders.  We have to decide for ourselves what kind of people we want to be.