Most of the times I don't consider myself cold hearted or even a very bitchy. Jealous...well that's a different story. I do believe there are those who may disagree and probably do consider me a heartless, selfish, jealous, mean bitch when it comes to my husband. I feel like people who don't know me and my husband when they see us together, probably wonder what is such a handsome man doing with such an ugly plain boring woman. No, I am not saying that I am truly ugly, just plain and understated, average. You would have too look twice to see that I am pretty in my own right. You would have to take time to get to know me, before you would find out that there is more to me than you see on the surface. (yes, I am aware that I need my head examined because I suffer from low self esteem and I need to correct this.. blah, blah blah)
My husband on the other hand, is the type of man, that women notice, and notice a lot. Maybe it's because he is flirt and not afraid to make eye contact with others and then give them a big smile. When he is at his most charming, he will make you feel like there is no one in the world for him but you. He has the ability to sweep a woman off her feet. Too bad reality is a bitch.
He has always been blessed to have a body that attracts attention as well.I won't go into detail....but he has the most beautiful lips and his backside is nice too. What people don't know is that behind the smiles and come hither eyes is a man who is insecure and worries way too much what other people think about him. He carries with him a fear that people if they know the real him, they will not like him. So getting to know the real man, sometimes can be difficult. I have been with him for 14 years and some days he still is a mystery to me.
I feel like I get judged a lot by other women because they feel I don't love my husband enough, show him enough attention, do enough for him, sometimes I am mean and nasty and it goes on an on. My response to them...walk in my shoes and lets see if you last as long as I have. Lets see how your love holds out. Love someone who has been in and out of prison, is on the registry, has problems telling the truth, and is admittedly an alcoholic and drug addict. Personally, I think sex addict should be added to the list. Try to love someone and have your heart broken what feels to be a hundred times and see how hard it is to be loving and kind. Tell me what disappointment does to your heart. At least for me, the pain has changed me. I feel like if you could take my figurative heart/love out of my body you would see it is scarred and has become tough and leathery. A hurt heart does not love like an undamaged heart. Whereas 14 years ago, when our love was young and fresh, I was ready to climb mountains and take on the world because I loved him so much. In some ways, I have climbed mountains and do take on the world because I love him. I'm just not as open about it. I am not as easy on him as I was in the past because I don't see him with the rose colored glasses of young love. Loving him is as they say for better or worse, in sickness and health...has been for many years for worse, and in sickness. I think we had three months of beautiful, uncomplicated love. After that the truth began to emerge and nothing has ever been the same.
Recently, he told me about how this woman from FB realized he was separated from me and called him, wanting to know if he would like to become "better acquainted". I can tell you that I am jealous when other women make passes at him. It hurts. Not only can't I trust my husband completely, but I also can't trust other women. I also think that as women we are too quick to get involved before we really know a person.
My husband knows he is free to go and be with someone else, if he doesn't want to be with me. "Don't let the door hit you on the way out". I promised him I would love him and be there for him, which I try to do to the best of my ability, but I am not such a glutton for punishment that I wouldn't let him go if that's what he wanted.
I know when I get talking like this, people have got to wonder why do I stay if I sound so miserable. Well, that is complicated in itself too. My misery is only partial, other days I have the most beautiful life/husband/family. We promised each other we would stay and love each other through "No matter what." We are trying to keep that promise, though sometimes it feels way too hard. I also know that for all his faults I have a good husband who loves me. Granted his love is complicated and we don't live or love in a fairy tale fashion, but I believe its genuine. I also believe that we all have our imperfections and inadequacies. I know that I am not the perfect wife, far from it. I don't dress or look like a Stepford wife. I don't keep a perfect house, nor do I care to cook. I don't have a body to die for. (I wonder how come Hollywood marriages don't last when they seem to have everything a person could want, money, looks, personality) There is a long laundry list that I could name that makes loving me difficult. I am pretty sure that we are all that way. We all have good traits and bad traits. None of us is perfect. So whom am I to cast stones at anyone?
My husband for one, when he is around, does a majority of the housework. We will clean the house together, but since he is faster, he ends up doing more. He will cook meals and we all eat as a family. Since he has left, rarely do the girls and sit down and eat as a family. I think one reason is that its painful and too quiet. When he is here, I know I feel safer. Life though challenging, didn't seem quite some overwhelming. Now that he is gone, it seems like one thing after the other keeps going wrong. He would do little things that are easy to over look, but you miss when you no longer have them. Having gone ten years with him gone, and then having him back again, I can tell you that I love having someone in the bed next to me to cuddle up next too, especially when you start to feel lonely. It's one reason I would not want to marry a truck driver or a traveling salesman.
He may not have always given me as much attention as I craved, but I do know he gave me more attention than some husbands give their wives, whether it was talking with me, helping me, or desiring me or giving me permission to take care of my needs. Something that I was taught not to do growing up.
He has been my for the most part my only friend for the last 14 years, though I am starting to develop other friendships. I think that our friendship is the biggest thing that maybe keeps us together. We love each other, we have each others back when no one else would and we have been best friends.
There is an an analogy in the Al- Anon rooms, that if life was like a backpack and we could all put our backpacks in a pile and then go choose a backpack from that big pile, that most of us would end up choosing the same backpack. I think that for me there is a truth to that. I know our life is hard and some days overwhelming difficult, but I don't think I would trade it for any other life.
Sure some days, I would love that life on the beach, soaking up the sun. Sure I think I would love to have a life with a butler and a maid, but what would the trade off be? Would I have a husband who was gone all the time? Maybe my husband wouldn't want me because he could have some young thing that reminded him of his youth. Maybe another husband would shame me or push me around. Maybe we would love each other and then I would lose him in some tragic accident.
Just the children I have with him are a blessing. I don't know how or why we were blessed with the girls we have. They amaze me beyond words. I can't imagine a better gift than the children we have been given and that includes my step children. Despite having parents that come with a lot of baggage, all these children have hearts that are as open and loving as the warm summer sun.
So do you see, that there are just as many reasons to stay as there are to go? So far I can't picture myself with another man. I can't picture being able to love another man as much as I love my husband and visa versa. Though I do believe a man could love me, it wouldn't be the same. What if he was controlling or wanted a perfectly clean house? What if he was uptight? What if he had the same problems as my husband, then I would be jumping from the pot into the fire. So for today, I stay with what I know. If it's not meant to be, then I am sure it will change. Life has a way of working itself out.
What about you? What struggles do you face in your life or relationships? What have you learned? Why do you stay? Why did you leave? I know that as unique as my situation is, that its not completely unique and there are plenty of people in the world who can relate in some way or another to what I am going through.
My husband on the other hand, is the type of man, that women notice, and notice a lot. Maybe it's because he is flirt and not afraid to make eye contact with others and then give them a big smile. When he is at his most charming, he will make you feel like there is no one in the world for him but you. He has the ability to sweep a woman off her feet. Too bad reality is a bitch.
He has always been blessed to have a body that attracts attention as well.I won't go into detail....but he has the most beautiful lips and his backside is nice too. What people don't know is that behind the smiles and come hither eyes is a man who is insecure and worries way too much what other people think about him. He carries with him a fear that people if they know the real him, they will not like him. So getting to know the real man, sometimes can be difficult. I have been with him for 14 years and some days he still is a mystery to me.
I feel like I get judged a lot by other women because they feel I don't love my husband enough, show him enough attention, do enough for him, sometimes I am mean and nasty and it goes on an on. My response to them...walk in my shoes and lets see if you last as long as I have. Lets see how your love holds out. Love someone who has been in and out of prison, is on the registry, has problems telling the truth, and is admittedly an alcoholic and drug addict. Personally, I think sex addict should be added to the list. Try to love someone and have your heart broken what feels to be a hundred times and see how hard it is to be loving and kind. Tell me what disappointment does to your heart. At least for me, the pain has changed me. I feel like if you could take my figurative heart/love out of my body you would see it is scarred and has become tough and leathery. A hurt heart does not love like an undamaged heart. Whereas 14 years ago, when our love was young and fresh, I was ready to climb mountains and take on the world because I loved him so much. In some ways, I have climbed mountains and do take on the world because I love him. I'm just not as open about it. I am not as easy on him as I was in the past because I don't see him with the rose colored glasses of young love. Loving him is as they say for better or worse, in sickness and health...has been for many years for worse, and in sickness. I think we had three months of beautiful, uncomplicated love. After that the truth began to emerge and nothing has ever been the same.
Recently, he told me about how this woman from FB realized he was separated from me and called him, wanting to know if he would like to become "better acquainted". I can tell you that I am jealous when other women make passes at him. It hurts. Not only can't I trust my husband completely, but I also can't trust other women. I also think that as women we are too quick to get involved before we really know a person.
My husband knows he is free to go and be with someone else, if he doesn't want to be with me. "Don't let the door hit you on the way out". I promised him I would love him and be there for him, which I try to do to the best of my ability, but I am not such a glutton for punishment that I wouldn't let him go if that's what he wanted.
I know when I get talking like this, people have got to wonder why do I stay if I sound so miserable. Well, that is complicated in itself too. My misery is only partial, other days I have the most beautiful life/husband/family. We promised each other we would stay and love each other through "No matter what." We are trying to keep that promise, though sometimes it feels way too hard. I also know that for all his faults I have a good husband who loves me. Granted his love is complicated and we don't live or love in a fairy tale fashion, but I believe its genuine. I also believe that we all have our imperfections and inadequacies. I know that I am not the perfect wife, far from it. I don't dress or look like a Stepford wife. I don't keep a perfect house, nor do I care to cook. I don't have a body to die for. (I wonder how come Hollywood marriages don't last when they seem to have everything a person could want, money, looks, personality) There is a long laundry list that I could name that makes loving me difficult. I am pretty sure that we are all that way. We all have good traits and bad traits. None of us is perfect. So whom am I to cast stones at anyone?
My husband for one, when he is around, does a majority of the housework. We will clean the house together, but since he is faster, he ends up doing more. He will cook meals and we all eat as a family. Since he has left, rarely do the girls and sit down and eat as a family. I think one reason is that its painful and too quiet. When he is here, I know I feel safer. Life though challenging, didn't seem quite some overwhelming. Now that he is gone, it seems like one thing after the other keeps going wrong. He would do little things that are easy to over look, but you miss when you no longer have them. Having gone ten years with him gone, and then having him back again, I can tell you that I love having someone in the bed next to me to cuddle up next too, especially when you start to feel lonely. It's one reason I would not want to marry a truck driver or a traveling salesman.
He may not have always given me as much attention as I craved, but I do know he gave me more attention than some husbands give their wives, whether it was talking with me, helping me, or desiring me or giving me permission to take care of my needs. Something that I was taught not to do growing up.
He has been my for the most part my only friend for the last 14 years, though I am starting to develop other friendships. I think that our friendship is the biggest thing that maybe keeps us together. We love each other, we have each others back when no one else would and we have been best friends.
There is an an analogy in the Al- Anon rooms, that if life was like a backpack and we could all put our backpacks in a pile and then go choose a backpack from that big pile, that most of us would end up choosing the same backpack. I think that for me there is a truth to that. I know our life is hard and some days overwhelming difficult, but I don't think I would trade it for any other life.
Sure some days, I would love that life on the beach, soaking up the sun. Sure I think I would love to have a life with a butler and a maid, but what would the trade off be? Would I have a husband who was gone all the time? Maybe my husband wouldn't want me because he could have some young thing that reminded him of his youth. Maybe another husband would shame me or push me around. Maybe we would love each other and then I would lose him in some tragic accident.
Just the children I have with him are a blessing. I don't know how or why we were blessed with the girls we have. They amaze me beyond words. I can't imagine a better gift than the children we have been given and that includes my step children. Despite having parents that come with a lot of baggage, all these children have hearts that are as open and loving as the warm summer sun.
So do you see, that there are just as many reasons to stay as there are to go? So far I can't picture myself with another man. I can't picture being able to love another man as much as I love my husband and visa versa. Though I do believe a man could love me, it wouldn't be the same. What if he was controlling or wanted a perfectly clean house? What if he was uptight? What if he had the same problems as my husband, then I would be jumping from the pot into the fire. So for today, I stay with what I know. If it's not meant to be, then I am sure it will change. Life has a way of working itself out.
What about you? What struggles do you face in your life or relationships? What have you learned? Why do you stay? Why did you leave? I know that as unique as my situation is, that its not completely unique and there are plenty of people in the world who can relate in some way or another to what I am going through.
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