The first thing I read this morning was the story about country singer Mindy McCready committing suicide. I love country music, because so often its about every day life.
Mindy's life on the news for last 8 years its seems has not been about her music, but about her drug and alcohol problems. I am sure most of the news articles written today are going to do a time line of her legal and personal woes. It's sad that this will our main focus. We don't really know what she was like a person. We know she was beautiful on the outside and a talented singer, but what else do we know. Was she gentle? Did she have a mean sense of humor? Was she a good mom? We know that as far as the news media goes she couldn't really get her act together over the years. Why is this? Why do some people struggle and struggle, only to keep repeating behaviours and patterns that hurt themselves and the ones who love them?
I seem to ask myself this question a lot, as I watch my husband struggle. Why does he repeatedly shoot himself in the foot? As you know, I don't mean literally, at least not yet. Maybe since he can't have a gun he hasn't done that.
It seems like he gets in trouble, and then he does something that makes the trouble he is in even worse. I don't know if somewhere someone wrote a recipe for disaster in his DNA code. It seems like they did. Even this last time around, what started off as a simple DUI, seems to be morphing into some out of control avalanche that is going to crush our family. He says he's trying to do the right thing so he can be home with us, and I believe him, but either he has the worst luck of any person I have known, or subconsciously he makes really questionable decisions or maybe fate has a familiar/different plan for him/us then the one we want. I don't really know. Only time knows the answer.
I think it goes back to the abuse he went through as a child. I don't believe you can blame all your actions on your child hood and the trauma you went through. As adults we need to take responsibility for the choices we make. I think you need to look back and start to try to understand why you do the the things you do, and then make conscious choices to change your actions. Even when you are finally able to start understanding your past and how it has shaped who you are, it doesn't mean that you will be at a spot where you can make changes right away.
I can only imagine how growing up being caller nigger because your skin was darker than everyone else's would make a child think that there was something wrong with them. Then when he did things that children do, such as reach out an open window and grab a bush when they were in the car driving down the road. He did this one time and he hurt his arm pretty bad. It wasn't bad enough that he got hurt by what he did, but he got a beating afterwards. I could never understand that. Too me, the getting hurt was enough punishment, but apparently his step father didn't think so.
These are two little examples of how life was for him on a daily basis, but I think its enough to begin to understand, why he may hate himself on a subconscious level. Its the only thing that makes sense to me, we hurt ourselves because we don't think we are worthy of anything but hurt and pain. We hate who we are.
Even when you know you shouldn't hate yourself, but you really do. I find getting my head and my heart to be on the same page is a difficult thing. Isn't that why so many times people do the very things they know they shouldn't. Their logical mind tells them not too, but something else inside them compels them to do it anyways.
Logic tells me that if a person suffered years of abuse as a child, the journey to healing is not going to happen over night. It will take time, maybe lots of time to undo the damage that was done. I guess the real question is, can the damage be completely undone? Are there some people who were so damaged that there is no hope for them? How do you tell when a person is beyond help? How do you know when you yourself are beyond help?
The next set of questions, how does a person stop hating themselves? How do they stop the self destructive behaviour once it starts?
I think finding the answers would be important for everyone because I am sure all of us on some level have self destructive behaviours. I know I do, maybe not as pronounced as my husband or other people, but its self destructive just the same.
I think that there are probably lots of answers our there. I know that for some people the answer is found in what they call the three A's. I learned about these in Al anon. Awareness, Acceptance and Action. You have to become aware of what it is that you are doing that is destructive, maybe even become aware of why you do the things you do. Once you are aware and have some understanding then you can begin to accept. I think (I may be wrong) that I read in a Native American book that often times, the conflict we have in life is because our real lives don't match what our internal ideas about what our life should be. When they don't match, then you are in turmoil. What you have to do is accept how your life is. Once you accept it and make peace with it, you can then begin to take action.
For myself, I often try to take action first. I don't want to know what is causing my pain or how I got to this place in the first place, I only want to make it STOP! However that only works for the short term usually. It doesn't fix the underlying issues of why it happened in the first place. That is why action in the 3 A's comes in last. It's about getting a clear head and making choices with a level headed approach instead of knee jerk reaction.
Please feel free to comment, share your insight or whatever is on your heart or mind, if you would like to. I believe, the more we share what the truth about our lives that we will find the answers we need for healing ourselves, our loved ones and maybe even our world.
Mindy's life on the news for last 8 years its seems has not been about her music, but about her drug and alcohol problems. I am sure most of the news articles written today are going to do a time line of her legal and personal woes. It's sad that this will our main focus. We don't really know what she was like a person. We know she was beautiful on the outside and a talented singer, but what else do we know. Was she gentle? Did she have a mean sense of humor? Was she a good mom? We know that as far as the news media goes she couldn't really get her act together over the years. Why is this? Why do some people struggle and struggle, only to keep repeating behaviours and patterns that hurt themselves and the ones who love them?
I seem to ask myself this question a lot, as I watch my husband struggle. Why does he repeatedly shoot himself in the foot? As you know, I don't mean literally, at least not yet. Maybe since he can't have a gun he hasn't done that.
It seems like he gets in trouble, and then he does something that makes the trouble he is in even worse. I don't know if somewhere someone wrote a recipe for disaster in his DNA code. It seems like they did. Even this last time around, what started off as a simple DUI, seems to be morphing into some out of control avalanche that is going to crush our family. He says he's trying to do the right thing so he can be home with us, and I believe him, but either he has the worst luck of any person I have known, or subconsciously he makes really questionable decisions or maybe fate has a familiar/different plan for him/us then the one we want. I don't really know. Only time knows the answer.
I think it goes back to the abuse he went through as a child. I don't believe you can blame all your actions on your child hood and the trauma you went through. As adults we need to take responsibility for the choices we make. I think you need to look back and start to try to understand why you do the the things you do, and then make conscious choices to change your actions. Even when you are finally able to start understanding your past and how it has shaped who you are, it doesn't mean that you will be at a spot where you can make changes right away.
I can only imagine how growing up being caller nigger because your skin was darker than everyone else's would make a child think that there was something wrong with them. Then when he did things that children do, such as reach out an open window and grab a bush when they were in the car driving down the road. He did this one time and he hurt his arm pretty bad. It wasn't bad enough that he got hurt by what he did, but he got a beating afterwards. I could never understand that. Too me, the getting hurt was enough punishment, but apparently his step father didn't think so.
These are two little examples of how life was for him on a daily basis, but I think its enough to begin to understand, why he may hate himself on a subconscious level. Its the only thing that makes sense to me, we hurt ourselves because we don't think we are worthy of anything but hurt and pain. We hate who we are.
Even when you know you shouldn't hate yourself, but you really do. I find getting my head and my heart to be on the same page is a difficult thing. Isn't that why so many times people do the very things they know they shouldn't. Their logical mind tells them not too, but something else inside them compels them to do it anyways.
Logic tells me that if a person suffered years of abuse as a child, the journey to healing is not going to happen over night. It will take time, maybe lots of time to undo the damage that was done. I guess the real question is, can the damage be completely undone? Are there some people who were so damaged that there is no hope for them? How do you tell when a person is beyond help? How do you know when you yourself are beyond help?
The next set of questions, how does a person stop hating themselves? How do they stop the self destructive behaviour once it starts?
I think finding the answers would be important for everyone because I am sure all of us on some level have self destructive behaviours. I know I do, maybe not as pronounced as my husband or other people, but its self destructive just the same.
I think that there are probably lots of answers our there. I know that for some people the answer is found in what they call the three A's. I learned about these in Al anon. Awareness, Acceptance and Action. You have to become aware of what it is that you are doing that is destructive, maybe even become aware of why you do the things you do. Once you are aware and have some understanding then you can begin to accept. I think (I may be wrong) that I read in a Native American book that often times, the conflict we have in life is because our real lives don't match what our internal ideas about what our life should be. When they don't match, then you are in turmoil. What you have to do is accept how your life is. Once you accept it and make peace with it, you can then begin to take action.
For myself, I often try to take action first. I don't want to know what is causing my pain or how I got to this place in the first place, I only want to make it STOP! However that only works for the short term usually. It doesn't fix the underlying issues of why it happened in the first place. That is why action in the 3 A's comes in last. It's about getting a clear head and making choices with a level headed approach instead of knee jerk reaction.
Please feel free to comment, share your insight or whatever is on your heart or mind, if you would like to. I believe, the more we share what the truth about our lives that we will find the answers we need for healing ourselves, our loved ones and maybe even our world.
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