Every parent I am sure has heard horror stories about child protective services or department of children and family services. You hear about children being taken away from their homes and put into state homes only to be abused. You hear of parents fighting to get back their parental rights. I think this state run agency strikes fear into the heart of many parents, especially those who have a criminal record, drug or alcohol problem or loves some one who has these problems.
It has been my goal since I became a parent to stay off the rader of such people. I have tried to avoid needing food stamps or public assistance because in my opinion they put you on the rader screen for dcf/cps.
The first time my husband got in trouble, it didn't affect me as far as dcf/cps went because my children were not born yet, I was only pregnant at that time. This time around my husbands actions have brought cps down on our head. It started initially when one of the neighbors found out that a rso was living next to them. They called cps to report negligence, even though that was unfounded. That neighbor also told my husband to stay away from them and don't molest my grandchildren. He then put no trespass signs around his house. I later found out that the resident trooper had to go to school and have a discussion of what it means to have a sex offender living in the town.
I wonder if such actions were a type of trigger for what happened. People, and I think people who have been abused, more so possibly are sensitive in nature. If they feel disliked by people it seems then they go about fulfilling that prophecy. "You are no good, you are a liar, you are a pedophile, you are scum, you are a drunk"...the litany could go on. Sometimes people internalize these words and then live up to them like they have lost control because they start believing what is said about them.
So when this "incident" happened we already had an open case in cps. Now when my husband was accused, I immediately sent him away. I didn't call the cops because at that time the caregiver had said that it wasn't needed. They weren't going to report it because possibly other people would go to jail or the victim wouldn't get to go away on a trip as planned. Needless to say a few weeks later I was blindsided when I got a call at work telling me to come home right away because CPS was at home with my children. Ironically, it was the first night since the incident that I allowed my girls to be home alone instead of going to my sisters. I figured its Friday night, they have no homework, they will be okay for a couple of hours. My oldest is 13 and my youngest is 8. I don't like to leave them home alone often, but at some time they have to be allowed to grow up and be responsible for themselves.
I urgently paged the supervisor and told her that I had a family emergency to attend to. I didn't give her any details of course. I raced home, which is 64 miles away, praying that everything was okay. On the way, I was frantically trying to reach my husband to find out what he knew, he wasn't answering his phone.(He couldn't because he was talking to the police) I called my sister, my brother in law, the caregiver from the incident. The only people I got a hold of, of course was my sister and brother in law who didn't know anything. My sister called my house and talked to my daughter to find out what was going on. Apparently my husband showed up at the house to surprise me by cleaning it. (Its really hard for me to work and keep up on housecleaning during the week too) We had planned to spend a few hours together as a family, even though he wasn't living there at that time. I guess the police had the neighbors acting as spies because they showed up 10 minutes later with cps.
CPS interviewed my children without any ones permission at that time and went through a diary the girls had given me for Christmas. In the diary I had written a note to my youngest because she had asked me a question in it about why daddy wasn't at home. My husband was told by his cousin who had come to house with him that cps took a picture of that note. They also talked to my oldest daughter who at that time decided to tell them she was afraid of her dad even though he has never laid a hand of her.
It's a tricky thing with my oldest daughter. I love her, but sometimes I wonder about her at that same time. She tells me things and I am just like are" you sure we saw the same thing"? because our experiences and memories will be worlds apart. I have trouble believing the things she tells me because they just sound so incredible. Trust me, if you talk with her long enough she will probably have you convinced that up is really down by the time you are done. A lot of what she says I take with a grain of salt. She seems to have gotten a sense for dramatics and exaggeration from my side of the family and difficulty being honest from his side of the family. I worry so much about how hard it is for her to tell the truth. I wonder what we are doing wrong or if this a stage and she will outgrow it, or is lying hereditary? Everyone on my husbands side of the family accuses everyone else of lying, so I never know who to believe. I just take what everyone on his side of the family says with a grain of salt as well.
I don't believe she is truly afraid of her dad. I have asked her in the past how things have been going having her dad home. She has told me she listens to him and does as he asks because she knows she will get into trouble if she doesn't. She didn't like that he wouldn't let her watch TV all the time and that on the weekend we did family activities. She wanted to stay at home and watch anime and not have to leave.
When it was just me and her, I had a hard time with her. She is very strong willed and wants to be the dominating power/female in the house. Over the years she and I have had some real power struggles and I don't know who came out on top. Most of the time, I was/ am just too tired to care the way I should. Its easier just to say do whatever you want or ask your dad. I think that when her dad came home she lost control and power that she felt she had when it was just me raising them. She was 10 years old when he came home to live, so naturally her world was turned upside down by that. So I wonder if that is the real fear of her dad was she no longer got to do what she wanted. Now that he is gone, she pretty much does as she pleases. She bosses her younger sister around and has her do the chores. The only real thing that I think she now does that she doesn't want to is get up and go to school in the morning. Otherwise now she is on her computer watching anime and eating Reece's peanut butter cups whenever she can. I truly do not think having her dad leave is in the best interest of the children, but how do you explain the little intangibles to others to make them see and understand? Ugh, my thoughts are going to a whole other topic with questions that I have.
Back to the story, cps made me sign a paper that he would leave and the children would have no physical contact with him. That was about a month ago. So the children haven't seen him for a month. Its tearing my youngest one up. She is suffering in silence. A couple of weeks ago, she let some of her anger out over the whole thing. She was screaming and crying, cursing out the cops and cps. This started when my oldest girl asked if it was her fault that they cant see their dad because she told them she was afraid of him. My poor girl is gonna explode with rage at this situation. There still is no word on when, if ever, he will be able to see them again. I am afraid to tell them, that they will see their dad again because I am not sure they will. I feel so hopeless about the final outcome. I am afraid to ask because I have no idea what is going on with the investigation. I think if I just leave things be, maybe it will blow over.
Yesterday, when I got up, the sky was beautiful and I was feeling okay for the moment. I was like I am okay today, I think I can do this. Then at noontime I got a call from the cps worker who is like I am calling to check up on your progress. Have you gotten insurance yet? No, but I have applied for full time jobs closer to home that would give me insurance. Have you gotten counseling yet for your oldest daughter? No, I am still working on that. I swear, I will not use counselors they recommend because....I don't trust them, I don't want to be made to do anything by the government. I don't want to go off on what I think about the government, that's a whole other problem in itself. She then goes on to tell me that she hopes I will stop denying that I need their help. I told her I am fine, I have my support system, which is this blog and people who understand what I am going through. I didn't tell her about the blog, or who exactly is my support system. She can kick rocks as far as I am concerned presently. I probably should pray for her to because that sometimes helps to lessen my anger toward individuals.
She continues to tell me that the first case they had has been closed because it was unsubstantiated, but that the 2nd case is going to continue because my children have been affected by what happened. I really want to say, they are more affected by your actions, than what happened that night, but I don't. The case is going to be transferred to another case worker and no they don't know what the outcome will be. It doesn't matter if my husband is charged criminally or not, they are going to be in our lives for the foreseeable future.
I don't know what this means for me and the girls. I don't know if this means they will start proceeding to take away the girls? I don't know if I should get a lawyer. Plain and simple I don't know how afraid to be. I don't know how I will afford to pay for counseling and insurance and now a lawyer on top of it. I feel like I am in a ditch of quicksand that is pulling me and my family under and that cps is a noose around my neck tightening as I struggle.
If there is anyone who is reading this that has any insight into cps and what this all means, please contact me. I really am struggling as to what to do. My first instinct is to pack up and move to another state, but somehow I think that, that would be called self destructive behavior. I think its called self preservation. Does anyone know if I moved away, what would happen?
I feel like I am being treated like a crimnal even though I did nothing wrong and have tried to protect my children and do the best that I could for them all the way around. One the one hand, I know logically that none of this is dcf's fault. They didn't cause what happened that night. My heart on the other hand feels differently. It blames dcf for the continued hurt and suffering my family is going through. It blames their actions as much as it blames my husband for his actions for the pain that my children feel right now. I know some would blame me for letting my husband live with us in the first place. I don't feel that like that decision was wrong. I think they benefitted from having him around. The benfits of having their father in their life despite being a rso are for another day. Today its about finding a solution for dealing with cps.
It has been my goal since I became a parent to stay off the rader of such people. I have tried to avoid needing food stamps or public assistance because in my opinion they put you on the rader screen for dcf/cps.
The first time my husband got in trouble, it didn't affect me as far as dcf/cps went because my children were not born yet, I was only pregnant at that time. This time around my husbands actions have brought cps down on our head. It started initially when one of the neighbors found out that a rso was living next to them. They called cps to report negligence, even though that was unfounded. That neighbor also told my husband to stay away from them and don't molest my grandchildren. He then put no trespass signs around his house. I later found out that the resident trooper had to go to school and have a discussion of what it means to have a sex offender living in the town.
I wonder if such actions were a type of trigger for what happened. People, and I think people who have been abused, more so possibly are sensitive in nature. If they feel disliked by people it seems then they go about fulfilling that prophecy. "You are no good, you are a liar, you are a pedophile, you are scum, you are a drunk"...the litany could go on. Sometimes people internalize these words and then live up to them like they have lost control because they start believing what is said about them.
So when this "incident" happened we already had an open case in cps. Now when my husband was accused, I immediately sent him away. I didn't call the cops because at that time the caregiver had said that it wasn't needed. They weren't going to report it because possibly other people would go to jail or the victim wouldn't get to go away on a trip as planned. Needless to say a few weeks later I was blindsided when I got a call at work telling me to come home right away because CPS was at home with my children. Ironically, it was the first night since the incident that I allowed my girls to be home alone instead of going to my sisters. I figured its Friday night, they have no homework, they will be okay for a couple of hours. My oldest is 13 and my youngest is 8. I don't like to leave them home alone often, but at some time they have to be allowed to grow up and be responsible for themselves.
I urgently paged the supervisor and told her that I had a family emergency to attend to. I didn't give her any details of course. I raced home, which is 64 miles away, praying that everything was okay. On the way, I was frantically trying to reach my husband to find out what he knew, he wasn't answering his phone.(He couldn't because he was talking to the police) I called my sister, my brother in law, the caregiver from the incident. The only people I got a hold of, of course was my sister and brother in law who didn't know anything. My sister called my house and talked to my daughter to find out what was going on. Apparently my husband showed up at the house to surprise me by cleaning it. (Its really hard for me to work and keep up on housecleaning during the week too) We had planned to spend a few hours together as a family, even though he wasn't living there at that time. I guess the police had the neighbors acting as spies because they showed up 10 minutes later with cps.
CPS interviewed my children without any ones permission at that time and went through a diary the girls had given me for Christmas. In the diary I had written a note to my youngest because she had asked me a question in it about why daddy wasn't at home. My husband was told by his cousin who had come to house with him that cps took a picture of that note. They also talked to my oldest daughter who at that time decided to tell them she was afraid of her dad even though he has never laid a hand of her.
It's a tricky thing with my oldest daughter. I love her, but sometimes I wonder about her at that same time. She tells me things and I am just like are" you sure we saw the same thing"? because our experiences and memories will be worlds apart. I have trouble believing the things she tells me because they just sound so incredible. Trust me, if you talk with her long enough she will probably have you convinced that up is really down by the time you are done. A lot of what she says I take with a grain of salt. She seems to have gotten a sense for dramatics and exaggeration from my side of the family and difficulty being honest from his side of the family. I worry so much about how hard it is for her to tell the truth. I wonder what we are doing wrong or if this a stage and she will outgrow it, or is lying hereditary? Everyone on my husbands side of the family accuses everyone else of lying, so I never know who to believe. I just take what everyone on his side of the family says with a grain of salt as well.
I don't believe she is truly afraid of her dad. I have asked her in the past how things have been going having her dad home. She has told me she listens to him and does as he asks because she knows she will get into trouble if she doesn't. She didn't like that he wouldn't let her watch TV all the time and that on the weekend we did family activities. She wanted to stay at home and watch anime and not have to leave.
When it was just me and her, I had a hard time with her. She is very strong willed and wants to be the dominating power/female in the house. Over the years she and I have had some real power struggles and I don't know who came out on top. Most of the time, I was/ am just too tired to care the way I should. Its easier just to say do whatever you want or ask your dad. I think that when her dad came home she lost control and power that she felt she had when it was just me raising them. She was 10 years old when he came home to live, so naturally her world was turned upside down by that. So I wonder if that is the real fear of her dad was she no longer got to do what she wanted. Now that he is gone, she pretty much does as she pleases. She bosses her younger sister around and has her do the chores. The only real thing that I think she now does that she doesn't want to is get up and go to school in the morning. Otherwise now she is on her computer watching anime and eating Reece's peanut butter cups whenever she can. I truly do not think having her dad leave is in the best interest of the children, but how do you explain the little intangibles to others to make them see and understand? Ugh, my thoughts are going to a whole other topic with questions that I have.
Back to the story, cps made me sign a paper that he would leave and the children would have no physical contact with him. That was about a month ago. So the children haven't seen him for a month. Its tearing my youngest one up. She is suffering in silence. A couple of weeks ago, she let some of her anger out over the whole thing. She was screaming and crying, cursing out the cops and cps. This started when my oldest girl asked if it was her fault that they cant see their dad because she told them she was afraid of him. My poor girl is gonna explode with rage at this situation. There still is no word on when, if ever, he will be able to see them again. I am afraid to tell them, that they will see their dad again because I am not sure they will. I feel so hopeless about the final outcome. I am afraid to ask because I have no idea what is going on with the investigation. I think if I just leave things be, maybe it will blow over.
Yesterday, when I got up, the sky was beautiful and I was feeling okay for the moment. I was like I am okay today, I think I can do this. Then at noontime I got a call from the cps worker who is like I am calling to check up on your progress. Have you gotten insurance yet? No, but I have applied for full time jobs closer to home that would give me insurance. Have you gotten counseling yet for your oldest daughter? No, I am still working on that. I swear, I will not use counselors they recommend because....I don't trust them, I don't want to be made to do anything by the government. I don't want to go off on what I think about the government, that's a whole other problem in itself. She then goes on to tell me that she hopes I will stop denying that I need their help. I told her I am fine, I have my support system, which is this blog and people who understand what I am going through. I didn't tell her about the blog, or who exactly is my support system. She can kick rocks as far as I am concerned presently. I probably should pray for her to because that sometimes helps to lessen my anger toward individuals.
She continues to tell me that the first case they had has been closed because it was unsubstantiated, but that the 2nd case is going to continue because my children have been affected by what happened. I really want to say, they are more affected by your actions, than what happened that night, but I don't. The case is going to be transferred to another case worker and no they don't know what the outcome will be. It doesn't matter if my husband is charged criminally or not, they are going to be in our lives for the foreseeable future.
I don't know what this means for me and the girls. I don't know if this means they will start proceeding to take away the girls? I don't know if I should get a lawyer. Plain and simple I don't know how afraid to be. I don't know how I will afford to pay for counseling and insurance and now a lawyer on top of it. I feel like I am in a ditch of quicksand that is pulling me and my family under and that cps is a noose around my neck tightening as I struggle.
If there is anyone who is reading this that has any insight into cps and what this all means, please contact me. I really am struggling as to what to do. My first instinct is to pack up and move to another state, but somehow I think that, that would be called self destructive behavior. I think its called self preservation. Does anyone know if I moved away, what would happen?
I feel like I am being treated like a crimnal even though I did nothing wrong and have tried to protect my children and do the best that I could for them all the way around. One the one hand, I know logically that none of this is dcf's fault. They didn't cause what happened that night. My heart on the other hand feels differently. It blames dcf for the continued hurt and suffering my family is going through. It blames their actions as much as it blames my husband for his actions for the pain that my children feel right now. I know some would blame me for letting my husband live with us in the first place. I don't feel that like that decision was wrong. I think they benefitted from having him around. The benfits of having their father in their life despite being a rso are for another day. Today its about finding a solution for dealing with cps.
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