How many times in your life have you had the sense that you are reliving something all over again? I know a lot of times I have the vague sensation that I saw or experienced something in dream form only to go through in real life. This last year though I have had the fear that my husband and I were repeating history from 14 years ago.
When my husband and I first started dating, I didn't realize he was married until I met his wife at his DUI court hearing. Talk about shocker. By that time I was emotionally invested in him. I was in love and thought love could overcome everything. I also thought that she was a bitch who didn't really love him. Everything he said about her I believed. At 21 I was very young and naive.
Okay, since I met her at his court appearance for DUI, that means he had gotten a DUI earlier that year and he would get one again later that year.
During the time I met him, I was working night shift at a local hospital. People would eventually begin to gossip about my relationship with him. I imagine the hickies at that time were a source of conversation. The hospital was having financial difficulties and was facing lay offs. During this time of potential lay offs I was fired for supposedly sleeping when I was supposed to be working. I wasn't sleeping, but was saying a prayer thanking God that I had made it through another night, when a co worker called out "Hey wake up" I laughingly replied I am not asleep only praying." I still had a strong faith in God,and faith in a lot of things like our country's judicial system at that time. My heart would be broken that morning when I was called in to be terminated for "sleeping on the job." I was only weeks away from changing shifts too.
The memory of that day still stings and I swore if I ever became rich I would buy whatever place my ex boss was working at and fire her. Too bad, her name, but not her face has been erased from my memory. Sometimes I swear that certain things are blocked from my memory to keep me from going crazy obsessing about them.
So losing a job that I loved led me to getting work in a nursing home while my boyfriend at the time was in and out rehab, detox, and the hospital. During this point in our relationship he was drinking heavily as well as using crack. The courts would send him to rehab, then something would happen and he would be out. One time he got kicked out for supposedly having relations with one of the other women there. To this day, he swears he never did. Personally I don't know if he did or not. I figure by now he wouldn't lie about it because it happened such a long time ago. What's the point of lying, I haven't left yet?
I was being the ever" loving" girlfriend, loving and supporting him through everything. I would hunt him down when he disappeared with our money to buy crack. While driving to find him so I could end our relationship I would hear these great love songs on the radio that reminded me of how much I loved him and I would make up my mind to stick it out one more time. I would cry my heart out while he would be in another room smoking and getting high.
The last rehab he went to, he told me they were doping everyone up there and he didn't want to take the drugs that they wanted to get him and could I please come get him. We could leave and start over somewhere else. So I turned in my notice at work, packed up what I could in our car, along with our puppy, picked him up and away we went. We were gone for about 9 months, living out of the car, camping, doing what we could to survive.
I came back home when I got pregnant and decided that I was going to protect my child and no longer chase him around while he smoked crack. I was going to make sure this child had the life that my husband never had. In some ways I credit our child with saving me. Who knows how long I would have continued supporting his crack habit. Who knows maybe eventually I would've gotten hurt or killed on one the drug buys. I put my foot down, if he was going to stay with me, the crack use had to stop.
We came back to the area where we are now. I started getting my life back in order. He, continued to drink. One night I came home from a meeting to find the cops at my house, alleging that he had touched my niece inappropriately while he was staying at my parents house. Broke my heart, tore it out. My niece, the one other person I loved more than anyone else, he hurt her! I can't say that I truly love a lot of people I can probably count on my hand the people that I love without doubt, without reservation, and she was one of them.
Too make a long story short, I chose to stand by him, despite what happened to my niece. Not that I ever believed that he didn't do something. I have never had that luxury of believing he was innocent. God, I wish I did, I think it would be easier if I did. I have tried my best to be honest with myself and not hide from the truth no matter how much it hurt.
I stayed with him because I believed and still believe that it was important for him to be a part of our children's lives. I thought it best for our unborn child if they had a father who was a part of their life even if it started off behind bars. I thought it was best for all of us, myself included.
I didn't see him as a predator and I still don't. Of course back then I didn't know just how things would turn out. It really is a blessing not knowing everything that is going to happen in our lives. I think if we did, we would decide that we just didn't want to go through with living because its too painful and scary at times.
In the end, he was sentenced to 10 years suspended after 4. He was given 30 years probation as well as being required to register as a registered sex offender for 10 years. His sentence seemed extravagant for what he did. Now I know for some they are not going to understand how I can feel this way and will probably judge me as being a morally bankrupt person. I feel like his sentence was unjust and over the top, based on what allegedly happened. I say allegedly because he says he doesn't remember what he did that night and it never went to trial because I told him to not put my niece through any more pain by letting it go to trial. I felt like he had to plead guilty and that was that, end of story. I know the report never accused him of rape and clothes were not removed. I am not condoning what was done or saying that its acceptable in any way shape or form. I am just saying he got a lot more time in prison for doing a lot less than what other people have done. That in its self can make a person resentful and angry. I really feel our punishments have to be appropriate and fit the crime. Over or under punishment doesn't do any good for anyone.
About 10 months ago we moved back to the area where it begin. He has family and more work opportunities out here. Another reason we moved back to this area was because when we moved from the original state to another state, he got more time on the registry. He would be off the registry sometime this year in the original state. The new state we moved to tacked on another 20 years because they "misinformed" us when they told us they would honor the originating states sentencing. If we had known what would happen by leaving the originating state we would have stayed there and finished things out. Being on the registry is a tricky thing. Every state has different laws and figuring out what those laws are is tough, especially since they change so quickly.
Wouldn't you know it, a few weeks into our new place of residence in a town only 6 miles from the original town where he first offended in, he got a DUI, not 200 feet away from where we live. Isn't that just crazy.
Too make things even more interesting, we have a female friend of the family who is the one who takes him to his court appearances like I used to do. I am not saying that anything is going on, but I have had my suspicions. I find it highly ironic. She is nice and very loving person. In some ways, we are a lot alike. She would do anything in the world for a friend. I just wish he would have asked his family to bring him to court so that I wouldn't feel so jealous.
Roughly a year ago, I started going back to 12 step meetings. For a long time I stopped going because I lost faith so to speak. I went back just around the time of the affair because I wanted to stop letting my world revolve around him. It was hurting so much. To me it always seems about the time I really get involved in these meetings that he really begins to self destruct. I am not sure why this is.
You already know if you read "Sins of the Father" that he has been accused of re offending. No charges have been filed as of yet, it's still under investigation. I don't know what is taking so long. Just like before he was drinking heavily and is accused of inappropriately touching someone.
As this last year has been unfolding, I have been racking my brain over why are we going through this again? Of course I didn't expect the sexual re offending to happen. I was hoping he would see what was happening and stop drinking before things escalated to that point. If I had believed that it would repeat itself, I would have made different choices. What is my part in all of this? I truly believe that when there is a repeat of something, its because there was a lesson that wasn't learned the first time around, or something was left undone. I am trying hard to figure out what that is and what I can do differently this time around.
I am trying to reach out to other people more who are going or have gone through similar situations, hence this blog. Last time before he got out, we talked about how we needed to changes sex offender laws because the approach is wrong. We didn't do it, because we are afraid of the system. I know he is afraid of worse things happening if he speaks out about the registry. I don't know. Did it happen again so that we would take more action?
This time I see that he needs help. Its more than just drinking. I believe he is an sex addict. I didn't think this the last time around. I thought it was just the drinking and drugs that were the main problem. I thought that once he got some counseling for what happened, it wouldn't happen again.
So things have been repeated themselves, but not completely. Are the changes enough? Am I doing the right things? Is he doing the right things? Only time will tell.
When my husband and I first started dating, I didn't realize he was married until I met his wife at his DUI court hearing. Talk about shocker. By that time I was emotionally invested in him. I was in love and thought love could overcome everything. I also thought that she was a bitch who didn't really love him. Everything he said about her I believed. At 21 I was very young and naive.
Okay, since I met her at his court appearance for DUI, that means he had gotten a DUI earlier that year and he would get one again later that year.
During the time I met him, I was working night shift at a local hospital. People would eventually begin to gossip about my relationship with him. I imagine the hickies at that time were a source of conversation. The hospital was having financial difficulties and was facing lay offs. During this time of potential lay offs I was fired for supposedly sleeping when I was supposed to be working. I wasn't sleeping, but was saying a prayer thanking God that I had made it through another night, when a co worker called out "Hey wake up" I laughingly replied I am not asleep only praying." I still had a strong faith in God,and faith in a lot of things like our country's judicial system at that time. My heart would be broken that morning when I was called in to be terminated for "sleeping on the job." I was only weeks away from changing shifts too.
The memory of that day still stings and I swore if I ever became rich I would buy whatever place my ex boss was working at and fire her. Too bad, her name, but not her face has been erased from my memory. Sometimes I swear that certain things are blocked from my memory to keep me from going crazy obsessing about them.
So losing a job that I loved led me to getting work in a nursing home while my boyfriend at the time was in and out rehab, detox, and the hospital. During this point in our relationship he was drinking heavily as well as using crack. The courts would send him to rehab, then something would happen and he would be out. One time he got kicked out for supposedly having relations with one of the other women there. To this day, he swears he never did. Personally I don't know if he did or not. I figure by now he wouldn't lie about it because it happened such a long time ago. What's the point of lying, I haven't left yet?
I was being the ever" loving" girlfriend, loving and supporting him through everything. I would hunt him down when he disappeared with our money to buy crack. While driving to find him so I could end our relationship I would hear these great love songs on the radio that reminded me of how much I loved him and I would make up my mind to stick it out one more time. I would cry my heart out while he would be in another room smoking and getting high.
The last rehab he went to, he told me they were doping everyone up there and he didn't want to take the drugs that they wanted to get him and could I please come get him. We could leave and start over somewhere else. So I turned in my notice at work, packed up what I could in our car, along with our puppy, picked him up and away we went. We were gone for about 9 months, living out of the car, camping, doing what we could to survive.
I came back home when I got pregnant and decided that I was going to protect my child and no longer chase him around while he smoked crack. I was going to make sure this child had the life that my husband never had. In some ways I credit our child with saving me. Who knows how long I would have continued supporting his crack habit. Who knows maybe eventually I would've gotten hurt or killed on one the drug buys. I put my foot down, if he was going to stay with me, the crack use had to stop.
We came back to the area where we are now. I started getting my life back in order. He, continued to drink. One night I came home from a meeting to find the cops at my house, alleging that he had touched my niece inappropriately while he was staying at my parents house. Broke my heart, tore it out. My niece, the one other person I loved more than anyone else, he hurt her! I can't say that I truly love a lot of people I can probably count on my hand the people that I love without doubt, without reservation, and she was one of them.
Too make a long story short, I chose to stand by him, despite what happened to my niece. Not that I ever believed that he didn't do something. I have never had that luxury of believing he was innocent. God, I wish I did, I think it would be easier if I did. I have tried my best to be honest with myself and not hide from the truth no matter how much it hurt.
I stayed with him because I believed and still believe that it was important for him to be a part of our children's lives. I thought it best for our unborn child if they had a father who was a part of their life even if it started off behind bars. I thought it was best for all of us, myself included.
I didn't see him as a predator and I still don't. Of course back then I didn't know just how things would turn out. It really is a blessing not knowing everything that is going to happen in our lives. I think if we did, we would decide that we just didn't want to go through with living because its too painful and scary at times.
In the end, he was sentenced to 10 years suspended after 4. He was given 30 years probation as well as being required to register as a registered sex offender for 10 years. His sentence seemed extravagant for what he did. Now I know for some they are not going to understand how I can feel this way and will probably judge me as being a morally bankrupt person. I feel like his sentence was unjust and over the top, based on what allegedly happened. I say allegedly because he says he doesn't remember what he did that night and it never went to trial because I told him to not put my niece through any more pain by letting it go to trial. I felt like he had to plead guilty and that was that, end of story. I know the report never accused him of rape and clothes were not removed. I am not condoning what was done or saying that its acceptable in any way shape or form. I am just saying he got a lot more time in prison for doing a lot less than what other people have done. That in its self can make a person resentful and angry. I really feel our punishments have to be appropriate and fit the crime. Over or under punishment doesn't do any good for anyone.
How its similar
Okay, the title of this story is called deja vu, because a year ago, he cheated on me with another women while I was working the night shift in a small local hospital, which is of course how our relationship started. ( I swore I would never work nights again!) Now I am the bitch, who doesn't love him or understand him. The one who tries to control him and keep him from drinking. (Thats how I am sure other people see me) After he cheated, the drinking started up again. He had been sober while in jail and for about 2 years once he got out. I see the cheating and drinking as a repeat from 14 years ago. About 10 months ago we moved back to the area where it begin. He has family and more work opportunities out here. Another reason we moved back to this area was because when we moved from the original state to another state, he got more time on the registry. He would be off the registry sometime this year in the original state. The new state we moved to tacked on another 20 years because they "misinformed" us when they told us they would honor the originating states sentencing. If we had known what would happen by leaving the originating state we would have stayed there and finished things out. Being on the registry is a tricky thing. Every state has different laws and figuring out what those laws are is tough, especially since they change so quickly.
Wouldn't you know it, a few weeks into our new place of residence in a town only 6 miles from the original town where he first offended in, he got a DUI, not 200 feet away from where we live. Isn't that just crazy.
Too make things even more interesting, we have a female friend of the family who is the one who takes him to his court appearances like I used to do. I am not saying that anything is going on, but I have had my suspicions. I find it highly ironic. She is nice and very loving person. In some ways, we are a lot alike. She would do anything in the world for a friend. I just wish he would have asked his family to bring him to court so that I wouldn't feel so jealous.
Roughly a year ago, I started going back to 12 step meetings. For a long time I stopped going because I lost faith so to speak. I went back just around the time of the affair because I wanted to stop letting my world revolve around him. It was hurting so much. To me it always seems about the time I really get involved in these meetings that he really begins to self destruct. I am not sure why this is.
You already know if you read "Sins of the Father" that he has been accused of re offending. No charges have been filed as of yet, it's still under investigation. I don't know what is taking so long. Just like before he was drinking heavily and is accused of inappropriately touching someone.
As this last year has been unfolding, I have been racking my brain over why are we going through this again? Of course I didn't expect the sexual re offending to happen. I was hoping he would see what was happening and stop drinking before things escalated to that point. If I had believed that it would repeat itself, I would have made different choices. What is my part in all of this? I truly believe that when there is a repeat of something, its because there was a lesson that wasn't learned the first time around, or something was left undone. I am trying hard to figure out what that is and what I can do differently this time around.
How its different
I don't know if I am doing things differently enough this time around. He isn't living with us currently but I still talk to him. I love him and haven't cut him off, but neither have I made any promises. I just don't know if I can go through another prison term with him. I haven't gone to court with him. I haven't paid for a lawyer like I did last time. Haven't even called any for him, though I have given him names and numbers of lawyers and mental health counselors. If he wants a paid lawyer, he will have to obtain one for himself. I don't honestly have the money. This time I have two children to support and can't afford to help him. I am also not going to tell him to plead guilty or not to let it go to trial. That choice is up to him.I am trying to reach out to other people more who are going or have gone through similar situations, hence this blog. Last time before he got out, we talked about how we needed to changes sex offender laws because the approach is wrong. We didn't do it, because we are afraid of the system. I know he is afraid of worse things happening if he speaks out about the registry. I don't know. Did it happen again so that we would take more action?
This time I see that he needs help. Its more than just drinking. I believe he is an sex addict. I didn't think this the last time around. I thought it was just the drinking and drugs that were the main problem. I thought that once he got some counseling for what happened, it wouldn't happen again.
So things have been repeated themselves, but not completely. Are the changes enough? Am I doing the right things? Is he doing the right things? Only time will tell.
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