Today I woke up a cold house, the oil is out and won't be delivered to who knows when. It makes me angry that my husband is not here. Not here to help with the bills, not here to help keep things like this from happening. We are separated until cps or someone decides if he is safe to come home. Chances of that happening? Slim to nothing.
Driving to work 60 something miles one way in 20 degree temps, causing my fingers and toes to hurt bc of the numbness and tingling I felt angry again. Angry that I don't have the money I need to fix my car, angry that I don't know anyone who can fix my car on the weekend when I am not working for a price I can afford. Angry again that my husband cannot help me.
This weekend my 8 year old daughter yelled at me for no real reason, she is doing that a lot lately. It breaks my heart and makes me angry. Angry at my husband because how could he get into trouble again and now he cannot be the father or husband that we so desperately need. Angry at this system that hurts the children more than helping them, angry at cps because they aren't here to see how separating the parent and child sometimes is the worse thing in itself. Angry because where is help when you need it? Angry because I had to choose between rent and health insurance. Angry because even if I had health insurance, I couldn't use it because I wouldn't be able to afford the co pays. If I could afford the co pays, how would I find the time to go see a health care provider when I work 12 hours a day in order to provide for my family.
Some days I am angry that I have to work, and can't stay at home and take care of my kids. Its hard feeling like you are never there enough for your children because you are just trying to keep things afloat. How many parents work and then when they are home, they are not really there because there mind is elsewhere?
Other days I am mad at this system. So mad at our judicial system. Who decided that the best way to "help" and punish people was to lock them up with other people who have the same problems or worse problems. I remember growing up, if I got into trouble, my parents didn't punish me by putting me with other misbehaving children, no instead they separated me from them. We also had a conversation about what I did wrong, why it was wrong and why it better not happen again. Privileges were taken away, but responsibility was not.
Right now, I am mad that we can't afford a lawyer and that I make too much money for him to qualify for legal assistance. It's not like we would even expect help for free, just something manageable that is not going to take away the necessities like food, heat, shelter for our family. As it is I am worried about my husband because I know he is sick right now and needs to see a doctor and get medicine. I also know he and I cannot afford it. I can't take care of him and I know he cannot take care of himself because he is working desperately trying to earn enough money to take care of his basic needs and hopefully be able to afford legal assistance. Its a friggin never ending cycle.
I am mad at the people who molested him and never have had to have consequences. They never went to jail like he did. They never were labeled an RSO, they go on their daily lives, working, being free while he and I pay a high price every day.
Other days I am angry at myself. Angry that I am powerless to fix things. Angry about choices that I made.
This is just a short look at what I am angry about. It's more than just page and goes deeper than what I just described. Too look at me, you would never know that I am angry. I hide it well, I stuff it so deep that I have to dig around until I find out that, yes, I am angry.
Driving to work 60 something miles one way in 20 degree temps, causing my fingers and toes to hurt bc of the numbness and tingling I felt angry again. Angry that I don't have the money I need to fix my car, angry that I don't know anyone who can fix my car on the weekend when I am not working for a price I can afford. Angry again that my husband cannot help me.
This weekend my 8 year old daughter yelled at me for no real reason, she is doing that a lot lately. It breaks my heart and makes me angry. Angry at my husband because how could he get into trouble again and now he cannot be the father or husband that we so desperately need. Angry at this system that hurts the children more than helping them, angry at cps because they aren't here to see how separating the parent and child sometimes is the worse thing in itself. Angry because where is help when you need it? Angry because I had to choose between rent and health insurance. Angry because even if I had health insurance, I couldn't use it because I wouldn't be able to afford the co pays. If I could afford the co pays, how would I find the time to go see a health care provider when I work 12 hours a day in order to provide for my family.
Some days I am angry that I have to work, and can't stay at home and take care of my kids. Its hard feeling like you are never there enough for your children because you are just trying to keep things afloat. How many parents work and then when they are home, they are not really there because there mind is elsewhere?
Other days I am mad at this system. So mad at our judicial system. Who decided that the best way to "help" and punish people was to lock them up with other people who have the same problems or worse problems. I remember growing up, if I got into trouble, my parents didn't punish me by putting me with other misbehaving children, no instead they separated me from them. We also had a conversation about what I did wrong, why it was wrong and why it better not happen again. Privileges were taken away, but responsibility was not.
Right now, I am mad that we can't afford a lawyer and that I make too much money for him to qualify for legal assistance. It's not like we would even expect help for free, just something manageable that is not going to take away the necessities like food, heat, shelter for our family. As it is I am worried about my husband because I know he is sick right now and needs to see a doctor and get medicine. I also know he and I cannot afford it. I can't take care of him and I know he cannot take care of himself because he is working desperately trying to earn enough money to take care of his basic needs and hopefully be able to afford legal assistance. Its a friggin never ending cycle.
I am mad at the people who molested him and never have had to have consequences. They never went to jail like he did. They never were labeled an RSO, they go on their daily lives, working, being free while he and I pay a high price every day.
Other days I am angry at myself. Angry that I am powerless to fix things. Angry about choices that I made.
This is just a short look at what I am angry about. It's more than just page and goes deeper than what I just described. Too look at me, you would never know that I am angry. I hide it well, I stuff it so deep that I have to dig around until I find out that, yes, I am angry.
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