VISITING THE INIQUITY
OF THE FATHERS ON THE CHILDREN AND THE CHILDREN’S CHILDREN, TO THE THIRD AND
THE FOURTH GENERATION. EXODUS 34:7
Even though I no longer read the Bible or go to church, I
think there is truth to this statement.
I think my family is a perfect example of how sexual abuse is rampant,
more than we want to admit and it’s a family disease. Sadly I don’t think our story is that
unique. Its just one of many out there.
I don’t know everyone’s past in my family, or my husbands. I am sure what I am sure what I am about to
share only scratches the surface. What I
do know is enough to make me think that we as a country are going about
treating sexual abuse the wrong way.
MY SIDE
For my side, I remember my grandmother telling me how she
had been raped around the age 15 by male family member(s). I don’t remember if it was a brother or
father or both. She is no longer with us
to ask. She told me it was one reason
she had trouble getting close to people.
From what little I remember she had a good relationship with those in
her family. I never met her dad or
mother. Her brothers seemed okay to
me.
My 2nd to oldest
brother was molested (what exactly was done to him, I don’t know because he
never shared the specifics with me) by a principle at the state run deaf school
he went to when he was very young. The
articles I have read, said that he tied up children to a tree from this school
for the deaf and blind and sexually abused them. This went on for years. Apparently the man died before anyone ever
found out about it. Whether or not the
abuse is the sole cause, my brother is an alcoholic who becomes depressed and
suicidal when he visits Maine. By the
time my brother ever even admitted what happened to him, whatever money the
state of Maine paid the victims, was not available for him.
My sister told me one reason she
is so angry at people who commit sex offenses is because a family that we
called the pig farmers molested her when she was a young child. Sometimes I think they must have molested me
too because of the dreams I used to have about pig skins being on the walls of
the house or barn and being laid a crossed a table and being touched. Now I don’t know if it is my imagination or
not. As far as I know this couple were
never punished for what they did.
Then there is me. I remember when I was around 5 or 6 my best
friend at that time who was 6 years older than me did something. I don’t remember the details because I went
inside my head when it happened. I
remember before and after. Once I told
his mom just about the kisses he made me give him, he wasn’t my friend anymore.
So I lost a friend. Then I
remember my brother masturbating over me.
I didn’t know what it was all about, just that it was weird and
gross. My older brother caught him and lit
into him pretty good. I considered
telling my parents but I didn’t want anything bad to happen to my brother. I never talked about it until I was in high
school.
Even though I don’t know if my
oldest brother was sexually abused, he was emotionally and physically abused by
today’s standards. Back then it was just
the way things were. He has a problem
with porn as well anger and low self estem.
For me when I think back on the
experiences, what hurts the most are the damaged relationships, the lost
friendship. I needed that so much
growing up. I love my brother and don’t
see him as a monster or predator that so often we make people out to be who do
these things. I don’t know if he has
ever done anything since then to anyone else.
As I got older and had different
conversations, I learned that I wasn’t alone in what happened to me. My friend did things to the other girls I was
friends with. Over time I have been
saddened to learn that all my closest friends have been molested in some shape
or form. I have a sneaking suspicion
that people who haven’t been molested are the minority. One friend was molested by a teacher who is
now the principal of my old high school.
Another of my friends left our school when something happened between
her and a faculty member. I am pretty
sure it changed her life in a big way, since when she left she got involved
sexually with boys and became a mother while in high school. Some of our friends got caught in the middle
of he said, she said and she lost some friendships along the way because they
didn’t want to take sides.
HIS SIDE
My husband side is even trickier than mine. I came from a relatively stable family
despite everything I have just told you.
He was born out of wedlock to a woman who slept with a carnival
man. She was about 18 or 20 I guess; she
already had one child already. She
didn’t need another, so she gave him up for adoption to her brother and his
wife. They soon split and he lived with
his adopted mom and her new husband.
His biological dad is rumored to be a wanderer or
philanderer. He never settled down until
his 50’s. It’s been rumored that he has
close to 50 possible children scattered across the country. We will never know because he is dead. My
husband never met him, but got to know his stepfather real well. Too well in fact.
His stepfather had a rough life; he and his brothers were
taken away from his mom and put into foster care. Apparently the foster homes he was in
mistreated him. I wish I knew more about
happened because he is so emotionally, educationally and socially damaged. He went on to abuse my husband as a child in
every way possible, verbally, emotionally, physically, and sexually. Sometimes my husband would sit in the bathtub
and try to scrub away his skin because he hated how he was different. His step dad was fortunate because he worked
as a farm hand for a local judge who was protected him when allegations were
made by my husband. As far as I know he
sexually abused his daughter and later on her son. Of course no one wants to talk about it; most
everyone is warned to not leave their children alone with him, as well as women
should never be alone with him. Even
him, I have a hard time hating. I feel
bad about the abuse he must’ve gone through to turn out this way. I wish there was help. I see the good as, well as I see the
bad. I feel for my mother in law,
it must hurt that no one will let the grandchildren spend the night.
At some time while my husband was still young, he started
going to church. He loved church, the
activities, the caring. He met a man
there who especially liked to pay attention to him. He would take him places, buy him things, and
give him attention, things that he didn’t get at home. The only catch was he couldn’t tell anybody
about the touching that went on. Finally
he did tell someone and the church asked the man to leave. Again as far as I know there was at least
another boy out there who he molested.
I would imagine that there are more out there. Do you think the church reached out to my
husband and tried to help him?
Hardly. Again, he lost more than
just his innocence.
My husband’s cousin recently told me that when he was
younger, my husband’s older brother molested him too. There are other rumors I have heard about
other people that he may have molested.
I don’t know how true it is. I
really hope it’s just sour grapes. Again
here is a man that while I know he has got his issues, is a good dad and a good
person as far as I can tell.
My husband was affected by the abuse he went through. He started drinking fermented corn juice from
the silo when he was nine. He has issues with addiction across the board as an adult. By the time
he was 13, he was sexually active in a major way. How many women he has slept with over the
years, is unknown. About 14 years ago,
he went away to jail for 10 years for sexually assaulting my niece. He didn’t rape her, but they threw the book
at him, I think sometimes because of his past and the abuse he went through as
a child. I stayed with him during this
time because I was pregnant with his child and thought if he got help we could
break the cycle of abuse that seems to plague our families. No matter what, he is the father of my
children and nothing can change that.
Statics show that children have a high risk of going to jail when one of
their parents goes to jail. I didn’t
want that to happen to our children, so I decided to give him a reason to
change, and a family to come home to. He
did come home and things seemed good for a couple of years. We were working on our dream of owning a farm
and trying to help other people make a fresh start of their life. If anything at least I can say we tried to
live our dream even if right now it seems like we have failed. It seems that with the affair he had with a
woman we had staying at our house, triggered him to start drinking and
everything has gone downhill from there.
It’s been like watching a freight train bear down on you. You know you should jump but your legs won’t
work.
Currently my husband and I are separated. I asked him to leave when he made a girl who
was staying at our house uncomfortable.
I don’t know what the truth is exactly.
Again, no accusations of rape. I
only know that on so many levels people are hurting. She and her family are hurting. Friendships were once again destroyed. My children and step children are
hurting. You lose so much when this
stuff happens. It’s difficult to put
into words what all is lost. As it is it
seems like my children and I are the ones who did something wrong, other than
love someone, the way that so many people have disappeared out of our life of
recent.
I have disclosed all these personal skeletons because I need
to get help for my family. I need to get
better so that there is no risk of my children going to foster care. I need my husband to get help so that he can
heal and other people are not at risk of getting hurt by him. I need to get help for my daughters. As it is one of them feels like she was raped
when she was 6 by another child the same age.
Just this last year, we have found she has been cutting herself. We don’t have insurance, or the money to
afford counseling or a lawyer, but because I work we don’t qualify for any type
of assistance. It’s even tougher now
living in two separate households to meet even our basic needs. We were struggling before and now the
struggle has gotten even harder.
I hope that by sharing my story, we can begin to talk about
sexual abuse, in a way that allows those who might offend can talk about what
is going on this head and heart without feeling shame. I don’t think there is a need to feel shame
when it’s quite possible that most of us have been affected by this
illness.
I hope that by sharing this story, people will want to
donate their time as counselors or money so that my family and other families
like mine can find help. I think a fund
that is set up so anyone can get the help when they need it could be life
changing. We might not be able to help
everyone but hopefully we can save a few lives from a lot of heart ache.
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