It's been a month since the "incident". Our lives have been turned upside down once again. Just this time I have my children caught up in the process as well.. I haven't seen my husband in a few weeks though he is not in jail currently. I talk to him on occasion and get some texts. Its been even longer since my children have seen him, thanks to CPS.
When I first asked him to leave, I was sad, tearful, just a wreck for the first weekend. Things got better emotionally after a few days. I felt like I was going to be okay, maybe happy even.
The last few days though things have been piling up. The fear, the stress, the worry, dealing with life has been getting to me. I came home last night to a somewhat torn up house because HIS dog has broken free her crate and got into things. She is a German Shepherd/Husky mix. She is high energy and social. Since my husband left, so has everyone else. Our home went from being overcrowded and noisy to being like a tombstone. The silence broken only by the blare of the anime and cartoon shows my girls are watching. I swear even the dogs miss him and suffer because he is gone. They are acting out by having accidents and chewing on whatever their mouths can find. They are better behaved if someone is home. I am about to find his dog a new home because I have a feeling that we are going to be separated for a long time, if not forever. I better get used to taking care of our family by myself again. I just don't think that I can manage his dog as well. It's a hard choice to make because I feel like I am getting rid of a family member and because it's just one more loss for our girls. Its also another loss for him. It's one more piece of his life that will be gone, in the event that he does come back home. I just don't see that I can afford a dog walker or doggy daycare for her while I work. I can barely keep heat and food in this house. He can barely keep shelter over his head or food in his belly. He is in no position to take care of anything other than himself. I am so friggin worried about his cough and whether he has pneumonia again. So worried and so powerless to fix anything or to help.
Yesterday CPS called to "check in". I know logically they are just doing their job and that none of this is their fault. I know this, but try telling that to my heart. As far as I am concerned they are the enemy, no matter how well intentioned they are. I resent them intruding on our lives. I hate that we have to play by their rules. Apparently if I don't get insurance soon or take my oldest girl to counseling, they will become much more involved in our lives. When will this nightmare end?
I don't disagree completely with counseling for my children, except for that I don't have a high level of trust in counselors, especially when it comes to this situation. I want counselors who will help, but not intentionally tear this family apart, which is my biggest fear. I want counselors who understand sex offenders, their families and all that comes with that title. I wonder even if I found a counselor and could begin to afford to pay for their services, when would I find the time to meet with them. Are they available on the weekends? Are they available after 7pm?
Tonight I will be working at night shift to make up for not working last Monday because of the holiday. I think this is another contributing factor to the depression and sadness. I hate working the night shift because I feel so tired the next day and it takes a while before I feel "normal" again. I haven't been to this place in a long time and I am worried about whether or not I will have trouble logging into the computer system. At least in the old days, you didn't have to stress out about such things. Some times having technology has really just complicated life.
I miss my girls already, but know that I am not "present " for them the way I need to be. I wonder sometimes if they would not be better off with another family that was more stable. My oldest child was crying yesterday because she didn't want to go to school because "one of the boys is telling me that I am stupid and will never amount to anything." She doesn't want me to get involved and tell anyone at the school. Again, I feel like if my husband was here, we would be better equipped to help her with this. Again, being married to a RSO complicates things because do you really want to go to the school and let them know the whole situation? What do you tell people? How much information do you share without putting your whole family out there for the whole community to judge?
When I first asked him to leave, I was sad, tearful, just a wreck for the first weekend. Things got better emotionally after a few days. I felt like I was going to be okay, maybe happy even.
The last few days though things have been piling up. The fear, the stress, the worry, dealing with life has been getting to me. I came home last night to a somewhat torn up house because HIS dog has broken free her crate and got into things. She is a German Shepherd/Husky mix. She is high energy and social. Since my husband left, so has everyone else. Our home went from being overcrowded and noisy to being like a tombstone. The silence broken only by the blare of the anime and cartoon shows my girls are watching. I swear even the dogs miss him and suffer because he is gone. They are acting out by having accidents and chewing on whatever their mouths can find. They are better behaved if someone is home. I am about to find his dog a new home because I have a feeling that we are going to be separated for a long time, if not forever. I better get used to taking care of our family by myself again. I just don't think that I can manage his dog as well. It's a hard choice to make because I feel like I am getting rid of a family member and because it's just one more loss for our girls. Its also another loss for him. It's one more piece of his life that will be gone, in the event that he does come back home. I just don't see that I can afford a dog walker or doggy daycare for her while I work. I can barely keep heat and food in this house. He can barely keep shelter over his head or food in his belly. He is in no position to take care of anything other than himself. I am so friggin worried about his cough and whether he has pneumonia again. So worried and so powerless to fix anything or to help.
Yesterday CPS called to "check in". I know logically they are just doing their job and that none of this is their fault. I know this, but try telling that to my heart. As far as I am concerned they are the enemy, no matter how well intentioned they are. I resent them intruding on our lives. I hate that we have to play by their rules. Apparently if I don't get insurance soon or take my oldest girl to counseling, they will become much more involved in our lives. When will this nightmare end?
I don't disagree completely with counseling for my children, except for that I don't have a high level of trust in counselors, especially when it comes to this situation. I want counselors who will help, but not intentionally tear this family apart, which is my biggest fear. I want counselors who understand sex offenders, their families and all that comes with that title. I wonder even if I found a counselor and could begin to afford to pay for their services, when would I find the time to meet with them. Are they available on the weekends? Are they available after 7pm?
Tonight I will be working at night shift to make up for not working last Monday because of the holiday. I think this is another contributing factor to the depression and sadness. I hate working the night shift because I feel so tired the next day and it takes a while before I feel "normal" again. I haven't been to this place in a long time and I am worried about whether or not I will have trouble logging into the computer system. At least in the old days, you didn't have to stress out about such things. Some times having technology has really just complicated life.
I miss my girls already, but know that I am not "present " for them the way I need to be. I wonder sometimes if they would not be better off with another family that was more stable. My oldest child was crying yesterday because she didn't want to go to school because "one of the boys is telling me that I am stupid and will never amount to anything." She doesn't want me to get involved and tell anyone at the school. Again, I feel like if my husband was here, we would be better equipped to help her with this. Again, being married to a RSO complicates things because do you really want to go to the school and let them know the whole situation? What do you tell people? How much information do you share without putting your whole family out there for the whole community to judge?
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