Just a couple of days ago when I went to bed, I was praying one of those prayers that I think those who aren't sure if their marriage is worth continuing pray. I don't pray this type of prayer all the time. Mainly it seems to come out when I am upset or worried about something and don't know what to do because I am torn between about what decisions to make. Mainly do I stay in this marriage or do I get out of it? I love him but I am so frigging tired of it all. The words aren't exact, but come close. "Dear God, I don't think I can continue to do this. I didn't hear from him all day. Please do something about this situation. Take this marriage, its yours to with it as you please." Its ironic that I pray at all because I don't go church or practice any type of religion. I just find talking and believing in this power greater than myself helps me to be able to detach from situations that are giving me pain so that I am able to sleep or focus on something else. Knowing that I don't have to make a decision or be in charge of the problem helps.
I was upset because I hadn't heard from my husband all day. I got one text that said his day was going slow because some guy didn't show up to work. Then nothing the whole day. I did get several phone calls from numbers I didn't recognize. I didn't answer them because I figured they were bill collectors and I was not in the mood to talk about when I would be sending them money. By the time I went to bed, my thoughts were getting kind of crazy. Do you think he has gone back to doing drugs? I bet he is. Maybe he is with some other woman and that's why he isn't calling. I don't think he really loves me. How can he, he hasn't called me. I don't know if you can relate to this kind of thinking. It comes quite naturally to me.
The next morning, I got up a few minutes earlier than usual and decided to listen to my voice mail. Listening to my voice mail is something I don't usually do because I dislike it so much. Normally people who leave me messages are not people I want to talk to; like bill collectors. God, I hate those calls. I played through the messages, A couple from work, some are from the my daughters school because she has been out sick. The last one is from my husband. " Hi Honey, Ma is in the hospital she had a heart attack (I knew this already because my brother in law called last night and updated me on what was going one) The next sentence was mumbled and I didn't catch it all and then he ended it by saying, I am so sorry about about all of this". I am like wait, back up the message, sorry about what? So I replayed the message," Hi Honey, Ma is in the hospital, the us marshals picked me up and I am on my way back to CT. I am so sorry about all this"
That one sentence caused my heart to drop and my body to start to tremble and shake. From there everything that was going on in my head is a blur. I felt numb and in shock. I didn't want it to go this way. I wanted him to earn enough money to get a lawyer and turn himself in. I don't honestly know if he would have ever done that. It was his plan, but it seemed to be taking forever. I know the longer he is gone, the longer we will be apart because it really will never be safe to be with him, knowing that eventually the past will catch up with us. I didn't I want our children to get used to having him around, only to have him yanked out of lives again. This way, we are used to him being gone and so him going to jail now doesn't really affect our day to day lives unless we allow it.
Part of me was relieved that he was captured because now maybe I can see him if I want too. I can get a hug and a kiss once in a while. With him on the run, I could never see him and I only talked to him when he chose to call. Now we can or he can face what he has been running from. I know facing this situation is not going to be easy. There are so many things that could happen, most of them not good.
Since I have been through this he is going to jail bit in the past, I didn't break down or get hysterical. At this point, it sucks, but I already know that allowing myself to get really upset doesn't help anything. So I continue with my routine of getting ready for work. On the way to work, I allow myself to cry a little bit. Crying is good because I don't do it often. So often my tears are locked up deep inside. Over the years I have become very adept not feeling very much.
I make it through work in a haze for most of the day. Of course, this turns out to be the day that a co worker fainted and a patient went unconscious while having a tooth pulled. I really wanted to share with a co worker what is going on, because everything just seems so overwhelming (kids are sick, husband in jail and mother in law has a heart attack and bone cancer).,. turned out this co worker was out for the day. I ended up sharing the news with some women online who face similar situations. It helps to be able to say honestly about what is going on in your life and not feel judged because of who you love.
Eventually he called collect and we were able to talk a few minutes about what happened. Apparently, he was looking for work and gave his drivers license to some potential employer. The next day about 12 US Marshalls and deputy sheriffs surrounded him at a campground he was staying the night at. Part of me wonders if he gave his drivers license because unconsciously he wanted to get caught? I mean...if you are on the lam, you know you want to be very careful about anyone running your name for anything. I don't really know what he was thinking on that day. Maybe he was really hungry and looking for work...
The second day, some of the strategies that Tony Robbins speaks about started to creep into my consciousness. On the way to work, even though I still felt sad and despondent, I started to ask myself questions like How can we make this situation into something that makes us stronger? How can we grow from this? What can I feel happy about? What is great about today? (the drive into work was beautiful because of the freshly fallen snow making it seem like I was in a winter fairyland) How can we make our relationship stronger and thrive? How can we do things differently and better than we did the last time? How can we use this to help make the world a better place for sex offenders and their families? By changing my thoughts from sadness and despair and focusing on questions that are positive, I found myself starting to feel upbeat and hopeful. I really felt the power of asking positive questions has on a persons mind. By taking the focus off of my fear I was able to enjoy the day which can be hard to do for those who have a loved one who is incarcerated.
Course, I have it easier than he does because I am not locked up. I have some control over my day, while he has lost that external control. I think when you are locked up, you have to seek internal focus and control. How can you control your thinking to make the best of the situation?
I was upset because I hadn't heard from my husband all day. I got one text that said his day was going slow because some guy didn't show up to work. Then nothing the whole day. I did get several phone calls from numbers I didn't recognize. I didn't answer them because I figured they were bill collectors and I was not in the mood to talk about when I would be sending them money. By the time I went to bed, my thoughts were getting kind of crazy. Do you think he has gone back to doing drugs? I bet he is. Maybe he is with some other woman and that's why he isn't calling. I don't think he really loves me. How can he, he hasn't called me. I don't know if you can relate to this kind of thinking. It comes quite naturally to me.
The next morning, I got up a few minutes earlier than usual and decided to listen to my voice mail. Listening to my voice mail is something I don't usually do because I dislike it so much. Normally people who leave me messages are not people I want to talk to; like bill collectors. God, I hate those calls. I played through the messages, A couple from work, some are from the my daughters school because she has been out sick. The last one is from my husband. " Hi Honey, Ma is in the hospital she had a heart attack (I knew this already because my brother in law called last night and updated me on what was going one) The next sentence was mumbled and I didn't catch it all and then he ended it by saying, I am so sorry about about all of this". I am like wait, back up the message, sorry about what? So I replayed the message," Hi Honey, Ma is in the hospital, the us marshals picked me up and I am on my way back to CT. I am so sorry about all this"
That one sentence caused my heart to drop and my body to start to tremble and shake. From there everything that was going on in my head is a blur. I felt numb and in shock. I didn't want it to go this way. I wanted him to earn enough money to get a lawyer and turn himself in. I don't honestly know if he would have ever done that. It was his plan, but it seemed to be taking forever. I know the longer he is gone, the longer we will be apart because it really will never be safe to be with him, knowing that eventually the past will catch up with us. I didn't I want our children to get used to having him around, only to have him yanked out of lives again. This way, we are used to him being gone and so him going to jail now doesn't really affect our day to day lives unless we allow it.
Part of me was relieved that he was captured because now maybe I can see him if I want too. I can get a hug and a kiss once in a while. With him on the run, I could never see him and I only talked to him when he chose to call. Now we can or he can face what he has been running from. I know facing this situation is not going to be easy. There are so many things that could happen, most of them not good.
Since I have been through this he is going to jail bit in the past, I didn't break down or get hysterical. At this point, it sucks, but I already know that allowing myself to get really upset doesn't help anything. So I continue with my routine of getting ready for work. On the way to work, I allow myself to cry a little bit. Crying is good because I don't do it often. So often my tears are locked up deep inside. Over the years I have become very adept not feeling very much.
I make it through work in a haze for most of the day. Of course, this turns out to be the day that a co worker fainted and a patient went unconscious while having a tooth pulled. I really wanted to share with a co worker what is going on, because everything just seems so overwhelming (kids are sick, husband in jail and mother in law has a heart attack and bone cancer).,. turned out this co worker was out for the day. I ended up sharing the news with some women online who face similar situations. It helps to be able to say honestly about what is going on in your life and not feel judged because of who you love.
Eventually he called collect and we were able to talk a few minutes about what happened. Apparently, he was looking for work and gave his drivers license to some potential employer. The next day about 12 US Marshalls and deputy sheriffs surrounded him at a campground he was staying the night at. Part of me wonders if he gave his drivers license because unconsciously he wanted to get caught? I mean...if you are on the lam, you know you want to be very careful about anyone running your name for anything. I don't really know what he was thinking on that day. Maybe he was really hungry and looking for work...
The second day, some of the strategies that Tony Robbins speaks about started to creep into my consciousness. On the way to work, even though I still felt sad and despondent, I started to ask myself questions like How can we make this situation into something that makes us stronger? How can we grow from this? What can I feel happy about? What is great about today? (the drive into work was beautiful because of the freshly fallen snow making it seem like I was in a winter fairyland) How can we make our relationship stronger and thrive? How can we do things differently and better than we did the last time? How can we use this to help make the world a better place for sex offenders and their families? By changing my thoughts from sadness and despair and focusing on questions that are positive, I found myself starting to feel upbeat and hopeful. I really felt the power of asking positive questions has on a persons mind. By taking the focus off of my fear I was able to enjoy the day which can be hard to do for those who have a loved one who is incarcerated.
Course, I have it easier than he does because I am not locked up. I have some control over my day, while he has lost that external control. I think when you are locked up, you have to seek internal focus and control. How can you control your thinking to make the best of the situation?
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