S.O.S Norm Pattis

Norm, hello!  I have been following you on Face book for about two years.  I guess I started following you shortly after my husband left and I was trying to find a productive way to cope with the situation.  I appreciate that you seem to have a desire help rather than simple punishment and that you see both sides of the situation.  Our judicial system is broken...severely.  Do you agree that we have the best judicial system in the world?  I am not sure I agree with that sentiment, though I prefer it over some countries idea of justice, say for instance countries that follow Sharia law.
I know you don't like it when people expect you to help them for free, which is why I am not asking you directly for help.  I am mere posting S.O.S messages to all the people that I think would make a an awesome restorative justice team.  One can dream...

I am not sure how to help my husband or if I even should help my husband.  It's complicated to say the least.  I am not sure if I am repeating myself if I say I paid for a lawyer the first time and I feel like I wasted my money.  I knew I should have taken my money back when he said, I have a daughter and.... He should have said, please I am not the best lawyer for this type of case, I can't objectively defend him instead he took the money and what did we get to show for it.  10 years suspended after 4 and 30 years probation.  The 30 years probation wasn't even part of the plea deal, the judge just tacked that on.  Then when he violated probation, and went back and served the full 10 years, they removed the probation and he was given 10 years on the registry instead.  I know part of the problem is we felt like for what happened we got screwed big time, so is it any wonder, he believed that no matter what, he is guilty until proven innocent and that he was gonna get screwed again and decided to take his chances and run?  I didn't agree with the running away, but I understood why.  I know how my husband operates.  He deals with his fear and pain by hiding and running. Can't tell him I said that, but I think that's why he ends up turning to alcohol and drugs...as a way to cope with whatever he is feeling inside that hurts him too much.  He really is the definition of the proverbial person that is always "shooting himself in the foot."
What I am worried about, is that he will not get a fair trial.  Its a repeat charge along with failure to register.  I am like, they gave him so much time last time, how much time will they give him this time?  I don't even want to think about it.
I can't afford to pay for a lawyer this time around.  I have our children to support.  I was pregnant the first time around, and since it was just me and I was staying with my parents, I was able to scrape up the money to pay for a lawyer.  This time I have to take care of our children... that is my first priority.  He is on his own...so to speak.  He does have a truck and a BBQ trailer that a friend he had in the south is going to try to sell for him.  I don't know how much that will go to help him and I don't know for sure that they will sell it and give him the money.   I would give them to you in trade for your help of course.  Or if we experience a miracle of money, I will be ringing your phone.
Just out of curiosity, how much would you charge to be his lawyer?  Are there lawyers that you would recommend when it comes to ftr and risk of injury charges?  Those are the two major charges.  He will be going to Litchfield County Superior Court.
No matter the outcome, I do appreciate the work you do and the attitude that you have.  We need more lawyers and judges who are fair minded.  I really believe that the protests we are seeing are not so much about race but because people feel like we do, that they are getting fucked by our judicial system and they are powerless to stop it.   It also doesn't help to be called thugs by everyone else.  If they are like my husband, they feel like life has never given them a fair chance because of their skin color and because they have no money.  Money at least helps to even the odds.


Just to look at that place, makes the butterflies erupt in the pit of my stomach.

S.O.S Dave Ramsey

Yep, I have read and listened to some of your Cd's on Financial peace.  I have been working on implementing some of the steps.  Not an easy thing to do for someone who is a procrastinator and who finds the actual paying of bills and contacting debtors to be a painful ordeal.  I am not making as much progress as I would like....but I haven't given up.
So what the heck do you have to do with this mess that so many of us are in?  I think that you could help inmates and their families work on a plan to help them find financial peace even though they are incarcerated.  Now it's just my guess, but if other families are like ours at all.  Their knowledge about financial peace may be very small.  I know my husbands philosophy has always been, "bills will always be here, so enjoy life and don't worry about the bills.  In order to build credit, you need a credit card."  I am sure you can only imagine where such beliefs has taken us.  To say we disagree about money would be an understatement.  Before he was captured, he told me he was trying to start saving money and using a type of envelope/budgeting plan.
Now that my husband is back in jail, financially things will probably go from bad to worse for us in terms of finances.  At least before he was capable of sending us some money on occasion, now I have to make the decision on whether or not to send him money, and how much money to spend on collect calls.  I have to increase my sources of revenue in order to be able to do this.
Because I have been loyal to someone in jail and bore the financial burden for so many years and we have made some poor financial decisions in the past, I am in a very deep financial hole.  I would like to stop digging and climb out of the hole, but I think I need someone to take away my shovel.  The thing is Mr. Ramsey, I am sure that I am not the only one in this situation.  I am sure that many others who have a loved one locked up, feel ongoing sting on financial burden as well, especially because incarceration can be a revolving door.  The financial burden that accompanies incarceration to me feels like a financial rape by our system.
I understand its not the governments fault that someone screwed up and now is in jail.  That's on them.  I understand that there needs to be punishment, but on the other end...it's the family who is paying the price.  Maybe the government could pay the inmates who work a fair working wage instead of slave labor and apply the monies earned to an account that could be used to pay for phone calls, commissary, money for their families, money for their fines and other expenditures.  Maybe there ought to be a minimum wage for inmates.  I know you can't personally make the government increase the wages for prisoners, but maybe you could implement a finical peace university lecture that is tailored to those who are incarcerated.  Perhaps if families and inmates attended these lectures, they could make changes that will build a bedrock of security instead of continuing to dig themselves holes like we have done.  Perhaps with these lectures families would learn about financial boundaries to set while they love someone who is incarcerated and perhaps their loved one would support them in that boundary knowing that it will help them later on in the course of their life.
Do you  have any idea of how hard it is for anyone who has been in jail to start over when they leave?  It is expensive to say the least....how can we help families like mine prepare for expenses so when that day comes they are not left floundering and sinking into despair?
 How can we come up with employment solutions as well?  It is difficult if not almost impossible to get a job when you have been incarcerated or have a rap sheet.  This means that many people who were imprisoned are "self employed."  That's great...but if you are like my husband and myself, you don't have the skills or knowledge to run a successful business.  He made money occasionally doing construction work, but it was never enough to really support us or help out very much.
 He often wouldn't get paid and had no recourse because everything was done "under the table".  It's not like he could charge full price for his labor or that he could complain to anyone but me when money fell through.
When I asked him to move out of our house two years ago, I told him, before you can move back home, you have to learn how to be financially independent.  You have to be able to help us financially rather than be a burden.  I would really like to see this happen still.
Financial woes have taken a huge toll on our relationship. Like many, it was one of the things we argued about or I just refused to talk about it because it caused me so much anxiety and pain.  If families who haven't gone through the agony of incarceration fall apart  because of finances, imagine for a moment just how much more difficult that it is for the families to stay together during this time.  There but by the Grace of God, go we.  How we have lasted this long is beyond me.
So again just to sum it up, what I think would totally rock is a financial peace university program tailored to those who are incarcerated with the goals of helping them make better financial decisions in the long run.  Do you think you would be able to help us?  Pretty please?  

The Darkness, Poem by Olivia

The Darkness

The Darkness Engulfs me,

I am lost now.

A small smile appears on my face,

My friends, buying it for the time.

I've died in side.

I am crying my heart out.

I wish I could physically die.

My soul cries as 

the darkness

carries 

me 

away.

My poem to Olivia

How do I stop the darkness?

How do I set you free?

Can I find you before it's too late?

Can I save you before darkness is your

forever fate?

I want to see you really 

smile.

I miss the joy that was yours for

a while.

I know wishing you could die,

for I have felt the longing 

too.

But I don't want to live life

without you.

You and your sister are the lights in 

my life.

Even as you are dark, you still bring sunshine

to my soul.

I love you and miss you. 

Please come back now, don't

go.

As a parent raising the child of a RSO,  I worry about the impact that having her dad gone again is having.  I feel powerless to stop her pain and help seems out of reach.  Those going through this, know the struggle of trying working to support your family and  keep it all together.  Things slip through the cracks....

I wonder if this is something that needs to be evaluated or will she out grow it?  Perhaps its something she inherited from my side of the family.  Seems both me and my sister liked to write poems about sadness, death and darkness we felt inside when we were teens.  

Statistics show us that children who grow up in a home with a parent in prison, tend to have more problems.  Problems like poor self esteem, alcohol/drug addictions, early sexual experiences, involvement in violent relationships, difficulty in school etc.  Many of them end up in jail themselves.  

Why is this?  Is it genetics?  Is it simply environment?  Are they modeling behaviors and thinking of their parents?  Is it because of the broken family unit?  Is it because they are more likely to live in poverty or near poverty?  Is it because one parent cannot do it all; work, nurture, pay bills, keep house, be a taxi cab, be both mother and father and still be there emotionally, physically and spiritually for their children?

How do we keep our little ones from following in our footsteps?  How can we lift them out of the hole we ourselves are in?  How can we give them a better life when we are so tied down with the baggage we carry?  How can we teach them better thinking?  Thoughts and beliefs that that leads to love and success?

Should we leave our spouse who is incarcerated?  Maybe it's their fault and if we get as far away as possible we can keep them from jinxing us.  Perhaps a new spouse, a new family will solve the problem?  

Will standing by our spouse, help?  Is loving them through thick and thin, accepting them for who they are, the answer?

Maybe buying them gifts and letting them do what they want, because of the guilt and inadequacy we feel, will make them happy.  Maybe going to church and surrounding them with other people who can love them and support them is an answer as well. 

What do you think is the answer?

The damage of the label

I honestly think that the label sex offender, child molester,rapist or pedophile reinforces the behavior rather than decreasing it. It becomes this is what you are. This is who you are. Any good you have done or will do will forever be overshadowed by this act you did. The registry pretty much guarantees that you will wear this label the rest of your life and no one will ever look at you the same. You are unable to change! I will not be surprised if we begin to see a increasing recidivism rate with the registry. It won't happen because a person wants to repeat his behavior but more as a self fulfilling prophecy. On the one hand we tell people what you did was wrong and you mustn't do it again, but on the other hand we don't believe you can help yourself. So we will label you as sex offender so everyone will know what a bad person you really are . Once everyone realizes this it will help to protect society. We will haunt you for the rest of your life. It will become next to impossible to find legitimate work. Most of society will spurn you. Your every move will be scrutinized the way that a turkey vulture circles it prey watching and eagerly anticipating its last breath. Those who love a sex offender will feel the shame and reproach that comes from loving them. They will be embarrassed to have anyone learn about your past. This is if they are lucky. For many life will be much worse. They might be get killed like the couple in North Carolina. Their children might get ostracized at school. They might lose their jobs when the boss finds out they are involved with a sex offender. Society tells you its important to have a healthy self esteem. You need to have a decent amount of self love in order to grow, in order to make progress. Does the label sex offender, help a person to love themself or does it create self loathing and despair? When in the history to do we find that self hatred is helpful? when has history taught us that depression about who you are or who you could be helps to make a person stronger? I think if we study history and the effects of social isolation that we will find it is dangerous for society. According to Anthony Robbins in his book Awaken The Giant Within page 224 "We have got to be very careful of accepting other people's labels; because once we put a label on something, we create a corresponding emotion. (what do you think is the corresponding emotions you create with the sex offender label) Nowhere is this truer than with diseases. Everything that I have studied in the field of psychoneuroimmunolgy reinforces the idea that the words we use produce powerful biochemical results." What if the label sex offender and the stigma attached to it begins to biochemically affect the brain creating a vicious cycle and corresponding domino effect? I would like to know how can we help sex offenders and their families negate the negative impact that the label has on them? How can we reduce the risk of recidivism with the greatest benefit to all? How can we foster change in a positive way without using labels that damage? How can we seek justice for hurt person in a way that promotes healing rather than giving label of victim which is damaging and diminishes a persons internal power as well?

S.O. S Dr Daniel G Amen

Dr. Amen,
I have listened to your book on tape, Change your Brain, Change your life.  I found it to be fascinating and thought provoking.
I think your Spect scans and insights into how the brain works and behavior could be invaluable in the treatment of Sex Offenders.  Do you think it would bring relief to offenders, their families, the public and our leaders if they found that people who offend against others  have a physical problem with their brain that with proper therapy the brain could be restored to what society considers normal and the risk of re offending could be greatly lessened?  I for one, would love an answer to the problem that is called sexual abuse.
You have a great understanding of foods and their powers.  They impact our brain and our body in either  a positive or negative manner.  So often we eat mindlessly, not aware that what we are ingesting  is going to impact how we feel, and how we think.  Now I know that eating healthy will not stop sexual abuse but it might help lessen it because people will have more control over their Pre Frontal cortex.
I would love for you to help us, educate us on healthy living with the goal of making our brain healthy and strong.   Healthy eating is just one  integral part to therapy, one that I think is hugely over looked by a lot treatment programs.  It's not enough to say no alcohol or drugs when designing a treatment program, we must look at all aspects of health.
I hope you would share with me your thoughts about the possible recovery of those who have committed acts of sexual abuse.  Do you think its possible to change their behavior?  Do you think that the treatment would be directed towards the underlying cause of abuse.  Not everyone who commits sexual abuse of a child is a pedophile and not every pedophile commits sexual abuse.
I would love see your treatments  more accessible to people who don't have the ready cash or insurance to pay for your services. .  Its frustrating and depressing to read things that may help someone but then for it to be out of reach because of money. 

S.O.S!!!! Tony Robbins

Hi, Mr. Robbins.  I am sending you a SOS.  I have tried writing you a letter in the past but I don't think it got very far, so I figured I would try this route.  What is the worse that will happen?  You won't read it? Or you might be annoyed with me. I hope not because my intent is not to be a bother.  I don't have a big following, so I don't think too many people will know that I asked you for help.  I don't want to ruin your reputation by asking you to be affiliated with sex offenders.  If it wasn't truly  needed, trust me I wouldn't be asking.
      I  believe that what you teach in your Personal Power series and Awakening the Giant Within holds pieces of the puzzle to changing sex offender outcomes.  Its time for a paradigm shift.   If other people can change,  so can a sex offender.  Its time to shed the belief that once a sex offender, always a sex offender.
 There are roughly 175,000 people on the sex offender registry.  If every sex offender has at least one person that loves him or her and many have more than one then we are talking 350,000+ who are dealing with the aftermath of sexual abuse in the U.S alone.  Can you imagine how many people are affected world wide?  I believe that its possible to redirect the path of a lot of sex offenders using techniques that you talk about in your seminars.
I hope the stories of Steven Collins and Bill Cosby will help the public to begin to see that this is a pervasive problem that can no longer be stuffed into the closet with the rest of the skeletons but needs to be brought out into the light and faced head on with courage and humbleness. There but for the grace of God go I .... I believe that anyone has the capability for abuse.  I also believe that everyone can change for the better.
My husband is in a world of trouble.  He has done a great job of self sabotage.  He is not one of those people who thinks they sabotage themselves, he is one who actually does.  I understand to a point why he does, but other times I do not have a clue.  I don't know how to help him, other than reaching out to people that I think might be able too
  What I desire passionately is to offer hope to sex offenders and their families that help is available and that they are not the vile humans that they are painted as being.   Families need to know that they are not broken or crazy just because they love a sex offender.   I would like you to start with my husband.  I would love for you to meet with us and put both of us through an intensive behavior modification program and then teach us how to share with others how they too can change.  I am sure you are super busy so perhaps you have someone that works for your company that could help us?  I don't have much in the way of money, but perhaps some sort of trade could be made, though I don't know what I could offer.  On the other hand, think about what if you helped me and my husband and we then helped thousands of others and the future of sex offenders and their families was forever altered in a positive way for generations to come.  That would be pretty damn amazing!

Tony, sexual abuse goes back generations for both of our families.  We have 7 children between us, 6 grandchildren along with a multitude of nieces and nephews.  It's because of the people that I love that I am determined to stop the cycle of abuse.  
 My niece came close to dying from overdosing on heroin a few weeks ago.  I know what you have written could help but I don't feel like I understand it enough for me to help her.
To summarize what it is exactly I am asking for.  I would like to ingrain your teachings into my core. I think you could help me and my husband to do that.  I also need some guidance on how to create a restorative justice program even though I have very little money presently.  I know its possible....I need to come up with a game plan.
So what you do you say, Mr Robbins?  Would you kindly help us? I know I am asking a lot and that helping sex offenders, especially publicly is risky business. We don't deserve your help, however we do have a vision.
Thanks for listening!  I can't wait to hear back from you. 

My Vision

As a frequent  and unwilling 3rd party guest of the judicial system, there are a few changes I would like made.
I would like it to be as much about rehabilitation as it is about punishment.  I would like more re entry programs for offenders and their families.

Since my husband served his full time, when he was last released, there was no re entry program or additional support for him when he came home.  We managed, but it tough.  We made a lot of decisions that in hind sight were rash and premature because of our desire to get going in life.  We had been trapped in limbo for so long that we were in a big hurry.  I wonder if some of the decisions we made played a part in where we are today.  We may never know.

If I was given a wishing star that allowed me to design a program to deal with offenders this is what I would create.  First off, my goal would be the long term success of each inmate and family members.  I would want people to successfully complete the program and know that they would go on to do wonderful things.  Can you imagine going to prison or being labeled a sex offender and coming out on the other side feeling more blessed than when you got into trouble?
So you are done with the trial and court proceedings.  The judge is determining the sentence.  Step one lets get a sentencing consultant involved. Have them interview the defendant and their family.  Find out what they think their weaknesses and strengths are. What are the contributing factors to the crime.  Help the judge come up with a sentence that fits the crime, but doesn't go over board on the punishment.
I think I would do a brain scan (spect scan to be exact) and have a specialist look at the results to determine if there is an underlying physical reason for the actions.  Do they have low activity in the prefrontal cortex?  Do they have  an over active limbic region on the brain?  Are there medications that can help normalize these areas? (Google Daniel G Amen, Change your brain, Change your life.  I controversial but I think definitely he is on the right track).  What if the solution is as simple as correcting brain chemistry and behavioral therapy.  Sort of like if your bone is broken, you reset it and then strength it with physical therapy.  While I know that is rather simplistic...maybe in some cases it is that simple.
 Depending on the length on the sentence and recommendations of the sentencing consultant, would determine the type of programs that would be requested that you participate in.  You have a choice.  If you don't want to participate in programs, then don't.  Its a free will program.
Together the sentencing consultant, defendant and family would meet and discuss what the outcomes/ goals are and how best to achieve them.   I would offer standard classes on drug and alcohol addiction, as well as offer family therapy.  I would do victim impact classes and have offenders think about impact their actions have had on others and themselves.
 Yearly, an intense workshop based on Anthony Robbins...seminars would be held.  Family and defendants would be invited to attend.  The goal would be to help them to focus on the developing their own personal power.
 I would have a financial planning program that is similar to Dave Ramsey's financial university program, but it would be tailored to addressing concerns most prevalent to those who are incarcerated or those who have  a loved one who is incarcerated.
Upon release I would create a safety net.  Each person who is leaving doc would be given several sponsors or coaches.  The goal would be that they have someone who is doing well and can guide and give advice to ex inmates and their families.  They would work with the inmate planning the discharge 1 year prior to leaving.  Getting them to think and plan for the future. They would give them a sounding board that hopefully would help reduce the incidence of rash decisions that are made.
 For sex offenders in CT, there isn't much support even in the way of half way houses because it's considered a violent crime.  I am not sure I like half way houses to begin with, because I really think family needs to be more involved when possible.     Still just the fact, that they don't have half way houses for sex offenders is just one more flaw in the re entry program.
I would have housing available to offenders and their families if they needed it.  Housing is an issue for sex offenders and their families because of the restrictions most states have on where they can live, who can live with them.  It doesn't have to be free housing, just housing that is available should they need it.  Housing where they can feel safe and the community can feel safe as well.  I would set up housing out in the country and then offer transportation to the suburbs for necessities and work until they were on their feet again.
I would loosen up the restrictions for what sex offenders can do with their families. I think they need to be able to go to the park with their children, if they have children.  I think they need to be able to go to school functions with their child. We are creating more problems in the long run by isolating the children of sex offenders because we make it so difficult for them to be a parent. Supervise these social events if the community feels its necessary, but stop the isolation.
I would make sure there are offender self support groups similar to AA and NA.   The first 2-3 years seem to be the most critical.  Perhaps there should be more support for ex prisoners during this time period, but not with the critical eye that is you mess up you are going back to prison that you get with  probation or parole.  The idea is to get people to make positive choices for positive reasons, not just because they are avoiding fear, unless of course that is the only way they can motivate themselves.
I would want ex prisoners and their  families to see a counselor who can monitor behaviors and thinking that might be leading them back in a direction that they really would like to avoid.  While it doesn't have to be free, it would be helpful if we could devise creative ways to make it accessible to people without them breaking the bank.
I think if things are free, people take them for granted.  Everything has a price to pay, but it doesn't always have to be in the form of money.
What I have described is something of what I would like to begin working for.  A sex offender prevention and treatment program designed by people who are not working for the criminal justice system, but whose interest is in making society a better place in general.  People who passionately want to see their loved ones succeed and those they love to be safe as well.  I think a program that is designed by sex offenders and their families along with incorporating universal laws and truths would be more effective than any government run program ever will be.

I hope if there is anyone who reads this who believes that change is possible for offenders and who would like to join forces, I hope you will make contact. " United we stand, divided we fall"

Questions that I hope will get us through

I wrote my first letter to him today.  I am not able to express my undying love or commitment to seeing this through.  I can only say, that I will take this one day at a time.  In this letter, I asked him to think about questions that I hope will help us become stronger and have a better future.  That will make this journey not something to hate but something that in the end we will say..this was a blessing.

 What do you want?
My answers;  I want a life we can be proud of.  I want a life that is full of love, laughter, passion, freedom, money and fun.  I want to help others find freedom of health: mentally, emotionally and physically.

How can we grow from this?
  We can grow by making a commitment to growing and learning, by deciding that we are worthy of love. We are worthy of a successful life.  We can grow by examining our beliefs and deciding if they are true or not
What is great about all this?
It forces us to stop running. It allows us to see each other, your children can see you.  It gives us time to rethink, re plan and start over again
What can I be happy about if I wanted to be happy?
We are safe, we can talk.  Our children are healthy, we have no funerals to attend today.  We are alive, we haven't given up.

How can we face this without fear?
By focusing on what we want and where we want to go.  By seeing it as it is but not making it worse than it has to be. By acting like we aren't afraid.  By believing and focusing on what we can do.  By taking control of our thoughts and our emotional states,

What can we do differently this time?
We can keep from  feeling trapped and down.  We can use the time granted to us wisely.

Who do you want to be?
I want to be smart, loving, healthy, strong, beautiful and kick-ass. I want to be generous and financially independent.  I want to be a healer.

Who are you?
I am someone that that can't be defined. I fit no labels. I am serious and silly. I am strong and weak. I am free, but a prisoner. I am smart, but naive. I am a dreamer, and a realist.  I am whatever I want to be this day.

Who are we?
I am still trying to figure that out.  We are a couple, we are strong and weak. We are apart, but still connected. We have cracks in our relationship, but we are not destroyed.

Where to you want to go in life?
I want to go forward, I want to change the world.  I want to change how society views sex offenders. I want to find ways to help sex offenders and their families. 

How can we become financially stronger?
By careful planning, by being creative and by not giving up.  We can set boundaries.  We can find other ways to earn money
How can we strengthen our relationship?
We have to make a commitment to it and put aside our fears. By being ourselves, whether we  think we are weak, strong, ugly, pretty, silly or serious.  By giving hope and understanding to one another. 

How can we create trust?
By deciding to trust.  By practicing trust. By deciding that the person we trust won't leave us.  By being honest though its scary as hell.
What is our goals?
To get through this to the best of our abilities.  To allow this to change us and harden our resolve to be more than the world thinks that we are.  To create a paradigm shift about sex offenders and their families

These answers I wrote are sure to change as time goes one.  The questions are sure to change as well.  

Gone Again

I got the phone call today,

Honey I'm sorry, but I am locked away.

My heart pounding, my hands shaking.

The news sinks in...my heart is breaking,

The memory of the past begins to flood 

over me.

The clanging doors, the loneliness, the collect calls- is this to be?

I swore not again, I don't want to go through this

all over again,

You're a prisoner -

I am prisoner

held captive by my love for you,

I really believed that our time with DOC was through

I feel so alone, 

so on my own

No one I know to tell the news to,

No one who cares like I do..

Powerless is what I feel,

powerless to stop the pain, powerless

to heal,.

Unable to stop what I know you have to face

Powerless to help you with your legal case.,

Loneliness and sadness fills my heart,

picturing how the life we planned

is falling apart.

So many times I have thought about leaving...but I haven't

because I haven't stopped believing.

Believing in you, believing in me, 

I haven't yet stopped seeing how life could

be.,

New chapter...He is captured

Just a couple of days ago when I went to bed, I was praying one of those prayers that I think those who aren't sure if their marriage is worth continuing pray.  I don't pray this type of prayer all the time.  Mainly it seems to come out when I am upset or worried about something and don't know what to do because  I am torn between about what decisions to make.  Mainly do I stay in this marriage or do I get out of it?  I love him but I am so frigging tired of it all.   The words aren't exact, but come close.   "Dear God, I don't think I can continue to do this.  I didn't hear from him all day.   Please do something about this situation.  Take this marriage, its yours to with it as you please."  Its ironic that I pray at all because I don't go church or practice any type of religion.  I just find talking and believing in this power greater than myself helps me to be able to detach from situations that are giving me pain so that I am able to sleep or focus on something else.  Knowing that I don't have to make a decision or be in charge of the problem helps.  
I was upset because I hadn't heard from my husband all day.  I got one text that said his day was going slow because some guy didn't show up to work.  Then nothing the whole day. I did get several phone calls from numbers I didn't recognize.  I didn't answer them because I figured they were bill collectors and I was not in the mood to talk about when I would be sending them money.  By the time I went to bed, my thoughts were getting kind of crazy.  Do you think he has gone back to doing drugs?  I bet he is.  Maybe he is with some other woman and that's why he isn't calling.  I don't think he really loves me.  How can he, he hasn't called me.  I don't know if you can relate to this kind of thinking.  It comes quite naturally to me.
The next morning, I got up a few minutes earlier than usual and decided to listen to my voice mail.  Listening to my voice mail is something I don't usually do because I dislike it so much.  Normally people who leave me messages are not people I want to talk to; like bill collectors.  God, I hate those calls.  I played through the messages,  A couple from work, some are from the my daughters school because she has been out sick.  The last one is from my husband. " Hi Honey,  Ma is in the hospital she had a heart attack (I knew this already because my brother in law called last night and updated me on what was going one)  The next sentence was mumbled and I didn't catch it all and then he ended it by saying, I am so sorry about about all of this".  I am like wait, back up the message, sorry about what?  So I replayed the message," Hi Honey, Ma is in the hospital, the us marshals picked me up and I am on my way back to CT.  I am so sorry about all this"
That one sentence caused my heart to drop and my body to start to tremble and shake.  From there everything that was going on in my head is a blur.  I felt numb and in shock.  I didn't want it to go this way.  I wanted him to earn enough money to get a lawyer and turn himself in.  I don't honestly know if he would have ever done that.  It was his plan, but it seemed to be taking forever. I know the longer he is gone, the longer we will be apart because it really will never be safe to be with him, knowing that eventually the past will catch up with us.  I didn't I want our children to get used to having him around, only to have him yanked out of lives again.  This way, we are used to him being gone and so him going to jail now doesn't really affect our day to day lives unless we allow it.

Part of me was relieved that he was captured because now maybe I can see him if I want too.  I can get a hug and a kiss once in a while.  With him on the run, I  could never see him and I only talked to him when he chose to call.  Now we can or he can face what he has been running from.  I know facing this situation is not going to be easy.   There are so many things that could happen, most of them not good.
Since I have been through this he is going to jail bit in the past, I didn't break down or get hysterical.  At this point, it sucks, but I already know that allowing myself to get really upset doesn't help anything.  So I continue with my routine of getting ready for work.  On the way to work, I allow myself to cry a little bit.  Crying is good because I don't do it often.  So often my tears are locked up deep inside.  Over the years I have become very adept not feeling very much.
I make it through work in a haze for most of the day.  Of course, this turns out to be the day that a co worker fainted and a patient went unconscious while having a tooth pulled.  I really wanted to share with a co worker what is going on, because everything just seems so overwhelming (kids are sick, husband in jail and mother in law has a heart attack and bone cancer).,. turned out this co worker was out for the day.  I ended up sharing the news with some women online who face similar situations.  It helps to be able to say honestly about what is going on in your life and not feel judged because of who you love.
Eventually he called collect and we were able to talk a few minutes about what happened.  Apparently, he was looking for work and gave his drivers license to some potential employer.  The next day about 12 US Marshalls and deputy sheriffs surrounded him at a campground he was staying the night at.  Part of me wonders if he gave his drivers license because unconsciously he wanted to get caught?  I mean...if you are on the lam, you know you want to be very careful about anyone running your name for anything.  I don't really know what he was thinking on that day.  Maybe he was really hungry and looking for work...
The second day, some of the strategies that Tony Robbins speaks about started to creep into my consciousness.  On the way to work, even though I still felt sad and despondent, I started to ask myself questions like How can we make this situation into something that makes us stronger?  How can we grow from this?  What can I feel happy about?  What is great about today?  (the drive into work was beautiful because of the freshly fallen snow making it seem like I was in a winter fairyland)  How can we make our relationship stronger and thrive?  How can we do things differently and better than we did the last time?  How can we use this to help make the world a better place for sex offenders and their families?   By changing my thoughts from sadness and despair and focusing on questions that are positive,  I found myself starting to feel upbeat and hopeful.   I really felt the power of asking positive questions has on a persons mind.  By taking the focus off of my fear I was able to enjoy the day which can be hard to do for those who have a loved one who is incarcerated.
 Course, I have it easier than he does because I am not locked up.  I have some control over my day, while he has lost that external control.  I think when you are locked up, you have to seek internal focus and control.  How can you control your thinking to make the best of the situation?

How do I?

"We are what we think.

All that we are arises

With our thoughts.

With our thoughts,

We make our world."

The Buddha

Come Christmas, it will have been two years since my family was split apart again.   My husband and I remain separated, not so much from desire to be apart, but mainly from his overwhelming desire to not go back to prison for any reason and my refusal to move our children out to where he is, knowing that eventually the inevitable will happen (he gets caught and goes back to jail).  I can't say I blame him for not wanting to go back.  Still....the longer he runs away from it, the longer we stay in limbo like this, the more likely this family will stay permanently fractured.
Situations like ours, are complicated and difficult to explain to the average person.  It's difficult to explain what goes on in your head.  What was black and white, say 15 years ago, isn't so crystal clear when you have been through hell once already and face the prospect of going through it again.
How do you explain to people, or even to yourself why you love someone who to so many people seems like scum.  (I hate that word....I don't believe anyone is scum... I just don't).  How do you explain to people that you love someone, but you don't know what is best for them, your family or for you?  How do you explain to others, that you want to move on, that you want to find someone new to love, but you don't know how to, because that other person is your best friend?  That other person knows you like no one else does. Love is not a water faucet that you can turn off and on at will.
 How can a person even think about getting involved with other people when ones life is so complicated?  I can just picture myself talking to some other man and having to explain to them.  I am married, but separated.  My husband is gone, but we talk still. He is a sex offender... I am lonely and want someone to ease that loneliness.  I am tired of managing my family on my own and would like some help.  I am sure that conversation would cause a man to run away as fast as they could.  Who wants that kind of complicated life?   This shows that I have a belief that men, people will reject me when I share the truth with them.  I think there is a belief in me that  most people don't like me, don't love me, won't accept me for who I am.  I have one person that does and so I hold onto that person like a drowning person holds on to a buoy.  Letting go of him, means being almost completely alone in the world. (I have my children and family, but it's not the same type of love that you get from a lover)
One reason that makes it so difficult to  end a relationship such as the one that we have is due to our belief systems.
 I believe that there are too many broken families in the world and that families are the bedrock of a healthy society.  I believe that families need to be nourished and made stronger instead of weaker.
We promised each other that we wouldn't get divorced.  I said I wouldn't make the first move, he said he wouldn't make the first move.  I promised my children I wouldn't divorce their father.  I promised him I would love him no matter what.  Promises like these are not meant to be broken.  I didn't cross my fingers when I made them.
 On the one hand I believe that marriage is for better and for worse, for richer, for poorer, through the good times, through the bad times.  I don't think I have a  real deal breaker for me.  I believe I was taught that the word divorce is not an option when you are married. I think I must really believe that love conquers all and that some how, some way we can get through this and come out better stronger people because of all these experiences.  I believe that we can break this cycle.  I believe we can help others keep from going through this situation or show them how to get through a situation like this, once we have gone through it.
 These beliefs conflict internally with the beliefs that I deserve better, that marriage shouldn't just mean complete loneliness and shame.
I want to be with my husband, but I believe that moving my children away from their brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, grandparents, school, friends, and all the other little things that we have that give our life stability is more important than being with their father.  I believe fathers are important and should be in their children's lives, which is why we visited him ever chance we had when he was in prison the first go around, but that this stigma of having a father who is a RSO is a huge cross for children and spouses to bear.  I think of him being back home and having to go back on the registry again in this state where we live currently.  I think of the difficulty of not letting my girls have friends come over here to hang out.  I think of that conversations that we would have to have with the school should he ever want to go to their school functions.  We have avoided these conversations with people, with schools.  How do you go and look someone in the eye and explain to them I am a sex offender? How do you explain that I love a sex offender without people thinking something is seriously wrong with you.  How do you stop caring what others think?   How do you explain to others your situation.  If you are like me, you don't, because I don't ,
can't face rejection.  I don't think he can either.  Instead I avoid. I avoid getting close to people.  He pretends to be something other than himself.   How do you keep your heart from getting broken when people reject you because of it.  For some of us, rejection is so very difficult to handle, that we will do almost anything to keep from feeling rejected. I think this has something to do with our values.  What is most important to you?  The things that are most important to us, we protect at all costs.
 I believe the harm that would come to them, our girls, emotionally to have him ripped out of their lives again when the past catches up with him is worse than living without him physically.
I believe that divorce hurts so many more people than just the two getting divorced.  It damages your family, his family, and your mutual friends,

I share some of my beliefs with you, to show how frozen we can be when we have conflicting beliefs.  We want to be together, but then again we really don't because of the pain that we now associate with being together as a family.  When we went through this the first time, we didn't have all these pain associations that we have now.  This is why our actions are different this time around.  We didn't have conflicting beliefs when we were fifteen years younger that we have now.  Like they say, once bitten, twice shy.
I believe that as long as our beliefs, continue to be in conflict, we will not have the resolution that we desire and we will all be stuck in this limbo.  I believe that by talking about this...in a place where I won't be rejected face to face, I can look at my beliefs and decide if they are beliefs that I should continue to believe in or should they be replaced.
What are your beliefs?  Do you know how your belief system shapes your actions?  Would you mind sharing?
Blessings....

Freaky little perverted children playing doctor

I don't know the whole story and maybe some of what I read was taken out of context when I read the news article that accused Lena Dunham of sexual abuse because of some things that happened between her and her sister when they were young.  If what she shared constitutes as sexual abuse then maybe we ought to turn every child who does any exploration of their body or the bodies over to the authorities and have them charged as sexual offenders.  We should then put them all on the registered sex offender list.
It brought up some memories of when I grew up.  I guess sexual exploration cannot happen until you reach the magical age of 17 or something like that.  I guess the children I grew up around where young sexual abusers because of the things that they did, that we did.
I remember when I was about  6 my parents dropped me off at the babysitters house.  I went into the bedroom of her two young sons, I think the older one was about 5 and the younger one around 4 and their female cousin was about 5.  They were in the closet "playing doctor."  Playing doctor involved putting piece of toilet paper into their privates and kissing each other.  I was a little bit shocked at what was going on, but I didn't think it was "evil" or that they were abusing each other.  I think I probably giggled a little bit about the whole thing and then probably threatened to tattle on them.  I don't remember if I did or not.  I think they pulled up their clothes and we all probably went back to playing.

Another a time, I went over to a classmates house when I was in kindergarten.  My friend said she would show me hers, if I would show her mine?  I didn't really know what she was talking about till she unzipped her pants and pulled down her underwear.  I felt obliged to copy her.  I guess we both should've been locked up for impairing the morals of a minor.  I think we spent about 10 seconds looking at each other, then we pulled up our pants and began playing with Barbie Dolls.

Speaking of Barbie dolls, there is a sex toy if there ever was one! At least if you are a young child.  Recently I have been reading the book Madonna Unauthorized and  it mentions some of the naughty things that Madonna did with her barbie dolls.  Out of all the things that Madonna has done, this was something I could relate to.  I remember playing with my Barbie dolls, and having them kiss each other naked and what not. It created small sexual stirrings even at the young age of 5 or so.  Do you think that these sexual stirrings meant I was a pervert even at such a young age?  Do you think it indicates that maybe I was sexually abused already and didn't know it?  My recollection of molestation didn't occur till I was around 8 or 9?  Somehow even at the age of 5 I felt shame and embarrassment about these feelings I was having when I played Barbie dolls.  I always played in secret. I wonder if my parents knew that this is why Ken and Barbie were always naked and I couldn't find their clothes?

Then I got to be older around the age of 13 and my girlfriend and her younger brothers and maybe some other friends decided to go skinny dipping in the local river.  I suppose that too was indecent exposure and if the police had found us, they would have arrested us and thrown away the key.  Would we all be on the registry then?  I can't believe how many things I did just as a child that could have landed me the title of sex offender, especially if I lived in today's society.
What about you?  Did you do anything that would be considered perverted and sex offenderish in to days civilized society?

Honestly I think we are getting too carried away with what is sexual abuse and what is not.  What I did or what we did I don't think as sexual offenses because we were all the same age and consenting at that time.  We were peers...the playing ground was equal.  No one was forced to do anything.  Now when I was older and my best friend at that time who was 6 years older than me, he molested me when He made me participate in sexual activities that I didn't want to participate in because they made me uncomfortable.  I told him no and he didn't listen.  I consider these incidents sexual molestation.  I don't hate him and I don't think he is evil or a bad person.  I think he was a mixed up kid who needed help.  He didn't get the help that he needed (I don't think it was available back then any way) and now as an adult has suffered because of it.
 My most fervent heartfelt prayer is that we stop treating sex offenders like they are evil, but instead find ways for healing for all.

Who really loves Honey Boo Boo?

I guess you would have to be living under a rock to not have heard the ruckus caused by the rumor that the  mother of Honey Boo(reality TV show Here comes Honey Boo-Boo) might be dating a sex offender. According to what I have read in the news TLC has cancelled the show to protect the children.  They are "worried about the well being of the minors of the show"  Some how by cancelling the show they have taken the moral high ground and are looking out for the welfare of this child and her sisters?
 Somehow by dating a sex offender Honey Boo Boos mother is unethical and immoral?  This is their reasoning on why they won't fully compensate " Mama June" for the work she has done on the show.

Tell me how does this protect the child?  I think it's more about TLC trying to protect their bottom line by not being associated with anything that has the social stigma of "sex offender".  Heaven forbid a reality show, actually show the truth when it's not socially acceptable or the truth that unpopular. At least be honest about it, Your concern is not about the child or her sisters but about public opinion.  You are entitled as a company to do what you feel is in the best interest of your investors and financial base, but please don't hide the truth with the thinly veiled cloak that you are protecting this minor.  Face it, you want to distance TLC from this PR disaster as fast as you can.
If the reporter who first heard about the possibility that Mama June was dating an unsavory character, really wanted to protect Honey Boo-Boo, instead of releasing this news to a company like TMZ,  you may have just voiced your concerns to the sex offenders probation/parole officer.  Maybe you would have contacted their local CPS and said Hey, I have concerns that a sex offender may have had contact with this minor.  That in itself would have been enough to initiate an investigation by the powers that be.  Then it would be up to the law to investigate and determine what was going on and whether any laws were being broken.  Did you really need to put this into a media maelstrom?  I understand they are celebrities, but still I think in matters like this knowing how the public reacts with knee jerk reaction that it could have been handled more discreetly.  That would have been putting the children first.
How does submitting this young child to the media scrutiny of such an issue as this help her?  How does taking away her income or the income of her mother help her?
I am pretty sure that this man's probation or parole officer is capable of determining if this man has violated the conditions of his parole or probation.  If he hasn't, then is it our business who "Mama June" dates?  If she dates him and doesn't have him hanging out with her children, then is it immoral still?  Just because she is dating someone does that automatically mean they consent to be on the reality TV show?   Do you think this man who hasn't even been out of jail for a year was like "Yep, I want to go back to jail by hanging out with someone and their kids."  I bet there are more sex offenders who feel like running the other way when they consider getting involved with someone who has children because they know that violating their parole or probation this way is a pretty much automatic back to jail card.

If you ask me, if people really wanted to "protect the children", they would be concerned about the family unit.  How does tearing down the family by the media help protect this child?  How does the threat "CPS is going to take your children away from you, really help the children?  Do you think that separating child from a parent or parents who  love that child really helps?  I can see separating children from parents who are actively abusing their children as a good reason for separation with the goal of getting help and then reunifying the family once it is safe, under the guidance of a well qualified counselor.
Uncle Poodle is also simply just looking out for Honey Boo-Boo by taking to FaceBook to air his complaints against her mother.  Yep, that shows love.  Yes, he loves his niece so much that he thinks the best thing for her is to live with him instead of her living with her sister and her mother.  Is that seriously what you think is the best interest for these children?
As a parent I thought stability and unconditional love were some of  the cornerstones of doing your  best for your children.  If my children were taken from me or if I died I would want  my two daughters kept together until they were of the legal age where they could make their own decisions.
Now if I was TLC and I wanted to be a forward thinking reality show producer that pushed the envelope, I would make a reality TV show chronicling the lives of sex offenders and their families.  Let society really get to know them.  Are they really the big bad monsters of this day and age or are they regular people like you?
Ah, that is the scary part, when you realize there really is no difference between a sex offender and yourself.  Humans, we are capable of all sorts of evil, each and every one of us.  That is a belief that most of us would rather stay blind too.
The sex offender, he did his time.  He paid his price to society.  I know for many people they don't think that doing prison time is enough of a punishment,.  They would rather just see sex offenders killed and tortured because somehow that makes up for what happened?  They think that social isolation and stigmatization some how makes society a safer place to be?  They think separating families makes society a safer and better place?  They think that by making children of sex offenders feel shame about their families helps in some way.  This thinking...I don't get.
I keep coming back to the thought that sexual abuse is more wide spread than what we want to believe.  If you could just magically kill everyone who sexually abused someone in some way, most of the worlds population might just disappear. Where would we be then?  What if that left society with mostly just woman and children and a few men?   I honestly believe that there is an answer out there to help change the outcome of sexual abuse for the abuser and the abused and it doesn't involve hatred and killing.  If anything if involves encouraging people to constant seek to improve their own lives.  It involves striving for ultimate health and balance in all areas of our lives.  It's about building people up rather than tearing them down.

Not Again! I totally dislike moving!

I was recently told by my landlord that its time to move.  He wants to sell the house and I certainly don't want to buy it for several reasons.   Let the brain wracking begin!
I have started the looking process as well as written out what the ideal location would be like.  3 bedrooms, private location with enough space for a garden, either near family/friends or near my job, rent under 1,000, allows 2 dogs..1 big one little.  I would like to avoid NY if possible because of their flu vaccine laws that are going to start requiring children to mandatory get the flu vaccine.  Funny isn't it, how this year was mandatory vaccines for health care workers and we had a longer flu season than usual?  Last 7 months.  It was just 2 days ago that they said we didn't have to wear the masks! 
I am not asking for much am I!
I am seriously thinking that I will move closer to my job in the Albany area.  My co workers are my friends, I can get more done without having to drive over an hour one way every day.  More job opportunities.  It also would put me near the Honest WT co-op and Stram Center, two places I want to join and model Open Ground Living after.
Honest Weight Co-op is so very awesome.  Check out their web page.  http://www.honestweight.coop/     I love their store.  It reminds me...what you can do when you have a dream or a vision and you go for it. 

I found the Stram Center after I got bit by some ticks and was feeling ill.  I signed up to go there but didn't because my car broke down and the money I was going to use for that place had to go for the car.  http://stramcenter.com/index.php. 
  
If it wasn't for my job and my desire not to keep job hopping, I might just move south.  I would like to live somewhere warm and green.  I hate the idea of being so far away from my family. 
Some of my beliefs that are holding me back or causing conflict.  These beliefs I don't believe are bad or good, they just might be keeping me from growing or trying new things.  1) It's bad for your career to keep switching jobs every year.  The problem is that I am not doing what I really want to do.  Will there ever come that perfect time?
2) It's vital my girls have consistency and family in their life even if I have to sacrifice to give them that.  This belief keeps me tied to the area that I am in.  Its where most of our family resides.  It's where their school and friends are.  It's also one of the most expensive areas as well and its job opportunities are limited.   

3) My husbands legal needs have to be taken into consideration.  As you know already (I think you do) My husband is still gone...  trying to earn enough money to face his legal battles is what I am told.  I keep thinking...If he wants to come home, CT is the best place to live because he is off the registry.  If needs to serve jail time, that would make it easier for me to visit him.  If I move to NY then and he moves there he will be on the registry for at least 30 years or more unless we fight to get him off.  If I move to a state like VT I am under the impression he wouldn't have to register legally because he is off the registry in CT.  

He is supposedly starting to pick up some good jobs where he is at.  He is not going to want to leave those areas to come back to this area where finding work is harder.  If I moved somewhere closer to him, what happens when the other shoe does drop and he lands back in jail.  Where will I be then? 

 I listed some of my beliefs that make it hard for me to make a decision. Conflicting believes are what hold many people back from achieving great things in their life.  They keep you from taking true control of your life.  In order to go forward, I need to let go of the fear.  The underlying fears being that I will hurt my career, my ability to take care of my family if I keep changing jobs.  I will hurt my children if I keep moving them around, they will never develop life long friends or lasting relationships with others.  They will be damaged academically because they keep switching schools.   I am  not enough to do this all on my own, I need the help and support of others.

I am tired of raising my children on my own, I would like to have help from my husband.  The only problem is I AM AFRAID!  I have a lot of what ifs when it comes to being with my husband.  Especially since he has a lot of stuff hanging over his head.   My belief is that eventually the law is going to catch up with him.  Do I want to be there when that happens?  If I am around, literally, what would be the consequence for me and my children.  Do I just move someplace that is best for me and my children and not worry about what is best for him?

I know deep inside that if I was convicted that being with my husband was the best thing for us, we would be together.  I am not convicted of that.  I want to be with him, yet I don't.  So sad isn't it?  Confusing too.  For those who love a RSO,  I think you might know what it's like to be sad, confused and still love someone at the same time. 
 If I let go of the fear and changed my belief to something that my family and I are going to grow and be successful, no matter what decision I make that would be empowering.  Jobs are not dependent on the length of time that I stay, but who I am as a person.  You can develop close relationships without having to be in close proximity to your family. 
It will be interesting to see what the next few weeks and days bring as I seek to release my fears.  What doors will open?  What doors will close?  What will I learn.
I hope today's sharing is one you can relate too and that it helps you to look at your beliefs, both the empowering and dis empowering.  I hope it helps you to want to let go of what is holding you back so you too can reach the stars!

RTF...what is that?

Recently I have spent a couple of shifts at a residential treatment facility for children with severe behavioral problems.  Children whose parents are unable to manage them at home because of violence toward themselves or others. 
Some of the generalizations one would make about the children who come here, Most, but not all of the children who come here, come from abusive families, have been sexually abused, have family history of mental health, come from broken homes, were exposed to drugs in utero, and have learning difficulties, and developmental delays along with the mental health problems.  Some are borderline mentally challenged.  A good portion of the children seemed to be diagnosed as bipolar.
 In order to qualify to stay here, you have been kicked out of schools,  and you have been hospitalized for mental health issues and this is a last resort.
A term that is used frequently is" this child has been sexualized".  This means the child is exhibiting sexual behaviors inappropriately.  The children who come to this facility are between the ages of 12 and 20.  They will on average stay for about a year.  It used to be parents would get them enrolled in programs like this indefinitely, all the while collecting the children's disability checks.  The state would end up paying twice for the children.  I guess at least NY state wizened up to that practice and put a stop to it.
Its a non profit place and  what the staff makes is usually not competitive.  So many of the staff who work here, do it because they love the job, they love the children.  It really is not what I would consider a very easy place to work emotionally.  Physically, its not too bad, but has its risk, such as having restrain a  angry teen/young adult or just being in the way of one of these children when they end up getting violent. 
Gone are the days of chemical or posy restraints.  The only restraints used here are physical restraints applied by staff members.  Meaning 3 staff members have to hold who ever is out of control in a supine position.  Thank goodness this isn't a daily occurrence.  Sad that it has to happen at all.
I wonder how many of the children who come to this program will live successfully as an adult?  How many of the children here will end up being labeled as a rso?  It seems likely doesn't it if they are already acting out in a sexual manner?  Perhaps programs like this are able to help reduce the risk by teaching them new ways to act and manage their feelings.  How many of them will end up in prison?  We know that a majority of inmates have generally come from an abusive home, have been sexualized at an early age, were exposed to lead or drugs, have learning problems or not been properly educated. 
I hope programs like this are successful in breaking the cycle children becoming sex offenders or ending up in jail. 
What is the success rate places like this? How can we improve the success rate?  How can we break the cycle of mental health problems that lead to the rso label?
 

Po-Poes a knocking

Yesterday I got a phone call from the town police department.  "We want to wrap things up."  Can you tell us where your husband is?"  "No I don't know where he is.  I haven't seen him in a long time."  That's all the truth.  I don't know where he is.  I could guess, but why...should I help them do their job.  I think back to the last time we went through this and I will be damned if I help them one bit.
Tonight they stopped by to pay a small visit.  I did good, in as far as I didn't invite them in.  I did talk to them for a few minutes.  I know I "don't have" to talk to them.  I just feel that I will make things worse for myself and my children if I don't at least give the appearance of being helpful. 
We live in a very small town.  One of the officers is a resource officer at the school where my children go.  He also happens to live a mile down the road from my sister.  This isn't some big city where you can blend in with everyone else.  They can easily report me to cps. Even I haven't done anything wrong, they can make something up, its not that hard.   They could easily give me problems for having out of state tags still.  There are so many ways they could make life miserable for me and my children.  I figure the best thing to do is be pleasantly unhelpful.

Its been over a year since my husband ran away essentially.  He is running scared.  Scared of the consequences, scared of being locked up again, scared of being killed in prison  He figures life on the run, even if he doesn't see his family is better than being locked up.  He figures it's better being able to do what he wants.

As the one left behind, I don't know if I agree or not.  I can tell you, I am tired, I am conflicted inside.  I want my husband back, yet I don't want him back.  I love him and I resent him.  I want to move on, but I don't want to move on, he is my best friend and no other man comes even close to getting to my heart the way he has.   I want to move to be with him, but I am too scared to move.  I miss him, but sometimes think life is easier without him.  I hated dealing with drinking and jealousy/insecurity I would feel when he would flirt with other women.   Other days I feel like life truly sucks with him gone.  The house is frequently a mess, the kids are by themselves a lot.  Everyone and everything is neglected with him gone. Life seems to be falling a part no matter how hard I try to keep things together.

 He says he wants his family back but he "won't come back to that house.  The neighbors would call the cops in a heartbeat."  Come back and deal with stuff and then you can live at home again.  "No, the neighbors are always going to make things bad for me.  The longer you stay away, the worse its going to be. "No, its better for my children if I am not locked up again.  I can send them money and talk to them"
I think about my options and I don't like the answers.  I need to move because my landlord really wants to sell the house.  I don't want to because the girls are settled, have made friends.  Finding another place around here for the same price as what I pay, would be a miracle.  Plain and simple.  Those who have pets know how hard it is to rent when you have dogs.  Especially a German shepherd whose nickname is Dakota the Destroyer. 
Optimally I would like to find a place on the outskirts of the same town, that way I could keep the girls in the same school and maybe he would come back home.  We would still be close to his other children and my sister.    Maybe...but I don't know.  Chances are there would be another excuse why he couldn't. Cue the song by Jamie O'Neil There is no Arizona.  Then again, someday I want to move far away from here because I feel like I am getting very little help from either of our families, so what is the point of paying this high rent and driving so far to work! 
  I think that if I stay in CT, it would be better for him because he would be off the registry.  If we move somewhere else there is a good chance he would be put back on the registry.  Definitely, can't move to NY because he would go back on the registry for sure in that state.  Yet I work in NY and I don't want to quit my job because I already have a pattern of only staying at one job for a year or so.  I have a pattern of always moving to accommodate him.
On more than one occasion I have the impulse to throw away my phone, pack up the girls and head out to Houston, Texas.  Michael Berry does an excellent job of selling the idea of how wonderful Texas is. 
Then he will tell me how good he is doing where he is at.  He is working here, there.  He is out in the country.  He knows a guy who has a farm that maybe he can rent a house from.  It sounds so friggen wonderful.  I would love to live on a farm again, in area that is warm and sunny, far far away from here.  I think about moving, finding a new job, and I think "what if"  What if I move out there and he gets caught by the police. Eventually they are gonna catch up with him.  Then I am somewhere all by myself and he will be sent back to CT.  That would suck.  What if he is drinking or doing drugs again and I move out there.  That wouldn't be good either.  That's the understatement of the year.
From listening to Tony Robbin's tapes on personal power. I know that he and I could have or would have done something by now, except that we are both dealing with a lot of internal and external conflicts.  These conflicts have us locked in place, like the ropes you use when you two cowboys to catch a calf.
  He wants to be with his family but we represent loss of freedom.  I want to be with him, but there is too much insecurity in that decision.  If it was just me, I probably would have gone by now, but because I have children to look out for...I value being a caretaker.  I  I used to take care of him but now I have children to take care of.  They need me more than he needs me.
 I understand that right now freedom is the most important value to him.  This is stronger than how much he values his family.  It's not saying that family isn't important to him, but you can tell by his actions over the years that other things are more important, despite what he says.  Actions speak louder than words.

So thanks to the police for opening up some festering wounds so that I can spill things out on this blog.


 

Walking away from Drama

There comes a time in your life when you walk away from all the drama

 and the people who create it.

Surround yourself with people who make you laugh.

Forget the bad and focus on the good.  

Love those who treat you good and pray for those who don't

Life is too short to be anything but happy.  

Falling down is a part of life 

but getting up again is living.

By Jose Harris.

For those who love a sex offender or who are on the registry, you are probably well aware about life and drama.  Learning to deal with the drama that comes from the label of sex offender is key to living a life that is abundant despite the ongoing flak you may receive from others.  

It seems like to me, every time I go online or pick up the news paper than is some article about sex offenders, sexual abuse, or porn.  One might begin to think that sex offenders are lurking behind every tree or fence just waiting to jump out, grab you and  molest you.  This type of thinking seems to lead to people being paranoid and angry at those" predators" that the media keeps telling them about.  

This is especially true when you are reading article comments online.   Reading the comments posted online by some people in society are enough to leave a dirty feeling in your mouth and crush an already fragile spirit that some of us may have.  I find its best to avoid reading disheartening comments or getting into a spitting match with people who can only be brave and say what they think when they have the cloak of anonymity  that the Internet provides.  There are times when my emotional strength and spitfire are at a good enough level that I will say something with the intent of hopefully getting someone to think even for a minute about the long term consequences of the way society treats sex offenders.  I don't know if its ever planted a seed in someones heart?  I hope it has.  Still, walking away from people who purposely antagonize is good if you want less drama in your life.  

Sometimes we have to walk away from family.  I know from my own experience that  family can be the ones who are upfront with their opinion that you are nothing and will never amount to much and you can't change.  Not my my family by the way, but I have seen others whose family talks about them in the most negative way.

While we may blame drama on other people, places or things, perhaps the biggest culprit for drama in our lives, may be that thing resting on top of our neck.  The thing known as your head.  I think so much of what we experience, whether its drama, pleasure, pain, happiness, fear, anger is all because of how you look at things.

How often do you play negative tapes inside your head.  You know the voices inside your head that tell you whether you are any good or not.  Say you get a 90% on a test.  For some of us, we will hear a voice that says "Can you believe you missed those questions, you are so stupid, those were really easy questions.  You are never gonna succeed because you can't do anything right. 

 Still for another person who gets a 90%, maybe they are saying to themselves, Whoo Hoo, 90%, that is so awesome!  Great job.  Those questions I missed, no big deal, bet they would've stumped Einstein.  Man, I totally rocked that test!  I am gonna do better on the next one.  Same scenario, two different trains of thoughts.  Which person do you think is going to be your happier person?   Who do you thinks their life is full of drama?  Who do you think is more stressed out? 

Something I don't get is the attitude that a person can't change.  That once you are such and such, you are always such and such.  The cliches such as a leopard can't change his spots;  Once a cheater, always a cheater; Sex offenders can't change;  You can't teach an old dog new tricks give credence to such thinking.

I don't know, I just refuse to subscribe to this theory.  If we can't change as people, then what would be the point of getting up and trying again.  It would be pointless, a waste of time.

I think once you start believing that certain people cannot change, you begin to lose your own personal power.  I think that this is why I refuse to believe others can't change.  I am not perfect and there are plenty of things about myself that I want to improve.  I want to give myself every reason to pursue the vision in my heart.  I wouldn't be able to do this, if I thought that change is not possible.  

 Its true even for those of us who love a sex offender.  We can allow this situation to age us or we can search for solutions and ways to live a better life.  We can either believe that we are capable of change and show the world that just because you are a sex offender or love a sex offender, it doesn't mean you are less than any one else.  I can't not stress enough, our past does not equal our future.  

On the other hand, we can listen to the media and those around us and allow their negative beliefs become the voices in our heads, telling us that we are worthless and that we would be better off dead or in jail.That we or someone we love is just going to re offend.  I firmly believe that if we allow those thoughts to take root, we will end up going down a path that is littered with tears and failures. 

My friends, be strong, be brave.  Know that you are not alone in this world.  Know that you can have the life you dream of.  

My reaction to the blog post "We have it all Wrong. Shunning offenders is not working: A reaction to the Woody Allen Story

I read an article online that was triggered by the recent Woody Allen scandal.  Its message is powerful and is sorely needed. We live in a day an age where we think the best way to deal with sexual abuse is shaming and punitive punishment meted with some counseling sessions.  Like the author of the article, I think we are approaching the issue in a manner that further hurts society because of the damage it does in the long run.
I hope the author doesn't mind me sharing her story on this blog.  She said what I feel, only so much better than what I have been able to.

http://www.the-broad-side.com/we-have-it-all-wrong-shunning-offenders-is-not-working-a-reaction-to-the-woody-allen-story

We Have It All Wrong. Shunning Offenders is Not Working: A Reaction to the Woody Allen Story

by Kim Cottrell on February 5, 2014

I’ve been working on an article about caring for the bad dad, the man who molested my sister and tore my family apart, and what it has been to sift through the wake of my father’s life in photos, scrapbooks, and letters. After he suffered a stroke early in 2013, he couldn’t care for himself and I did something I thought I’d never do — I brought him home to live with me.

I’ve been slow with my writing, but this morning a friend posted an article to Facebook by Lisa Bloom, titled “Six Reasons Why Dylan Farrow is Highly Credible,” about Farrow’s account of her abuse by Woody Allen. Bloom wrote:

“Child molestation is inherently irrational, compulsive behavior. Little girls are commonly molested when family lurks in the next room. Little boys are victimized in homes, hotels, out-of-doors, anywhere and everywhere. The digital sexual assault Dylan alleged can happen in seconds and leave no trace.”

I stared but couldn’t click on the post. Heavy, burning waves hissed up from my gut where they hadn’t been just moments before. I thought I might throw up and then I recognized the feeling as terror. For a fleeting moment I contemplated shoving the feelings aside and ignoring them. This time felt different and I rushed to my computer, adjusted the screen so I couldn’t be distracted by the words, and pounded out my thoughts about telling secrets, supporting humans, and defending actions.

I’ve spent years, waiting for the just-right moment to speak publicly. As a survivor of incest, I’ve wanted a new way of processing the aftermath and a new conversation rather than the old worn-out I’m so sorry for you, you poor dear. I’ve rationalized that I was protecting my sister. I’ve told myself it wasn’t my story to tell which was a lie. I became an expert at dissociating when I was 11 or 12 because there was no other way to survive sharing a room and a bed with my sister. At some point, my father called me into the hallway. We faced one another and I said no. I trembled, and repeated, no. My mother’s voice called from the bedroom asking what was going on. I didn’t answer, instead I rushed back to my completely unsafe bed and shook until I fell asleep.

Lisa Bloom is right. Child molestation isn’t rational. My father wasn’t rational in those years. What is also not rational is that anyone needs to justify a disclosure of child abuse. Sadly, in our haste to find retribution, and in our shaming, blaming, judging, and punishing, the victim and offender are both vilified and neither adequately reintegrated or healed.

We have it all wrong. Shunning the offenders is not working. Locking them up is not working. Settling in court for massive sums of money is not working. Ruining the life of the offenders in the name of justice is not working. Leaving victims to pick up the pieces of their life alone is not working. The sexual abuse of our boys and girls is still going on, generation after generation.

What I’m suggesting is that we have the what-should-we-do all wrong.

I wonder if we could agree, the first goal is to stop the molestation and abuse of children. I used to think it was as simple as finding evidence, separating kids from their parents or abuser, and locking them up. Case closed. But when I was a speech pathologist in a large trauma hospital where I worked with babies and young children who’d been hit or shaken by adults, enough to cause brain damage, I saw a different side of the story. In many situations, removing the child from the parents caused further trauma. That’s when I realized it’s not so simple.

Second, and I don’t expect agreement but I believe this is crucial, we need to stop pursuing vengeance. We must lay down the judgment and shame game.

For there to be any systemic, generational healing, we need to bring secrets out in the open. We need to stop banishing people, offenders or victims. We need to slow down enough to let the healing process take place. We need to support the healing process and let it be a normal part of life. There is clearly no evidence blaming, shaming, and shunning have anything to do with finding our way out of this crisis and the crisis our children are facing today.

Who am I to have the audacity to say we need change? I am a survivor, a sister, a daughter, an aunt, and the caregiver of my father. Yes, I am caring for the same father who molested my sister and tried to molest me. But, let’s be clear, the fact I’m caring for my father does not excuse his behavior. Nor is it my place to absolve him of responsibility for those he has hurt. What is true is that, together, he and I worked on our relationship and I no longer need his penance. Knowing he wakes up every single morning with the shame of destroying his family has taken away any taste I had for restitution.

Recently, I was sorting my father’s belongings and came upon a picture of him at two years of age, about the time he began bed-wetting. The family lived in eastern Oregon with no indoor plumbing. With no way to clean him up and no clean sheets to remake the bed, his young mother, in desperation, began to punish him. She brought a bucket to the side of the bed and screamed at him to piss into it.

I remembered that when my father was nearing 75, he insisted he tell me about his recent nightmare. He’d been dreaming of a time when he was seven or so, and he’d awakened to find the bed soiled with feces. He remembered the terror he felt when he awoke and he needed to make sure someone else heard the story.

When my brother and I cleaned out our father’s house to move him nearer to us so we could take care of him, we came across a small trunk pushed back on a shelf in dark recesses of the shed. We opened it and found a bear rug we had played on as kids.

I carried the bear rug to my father, thinking he would be glad. He became white-faced and speechless. Where did that come from? You had it in your shed, Dad. I thought that was long gone!!! No, it’s there, you saved it for some reason. Get rid of it, I don’t want to see it again!Tears streamed down his face as he told me about deer hunting with his father when he was nine. They came upon a black bear and her cub in a tree and his father shot the mother. She fell out of the tree and ran away. Then he turned to my father and insisted he shoot the cub. He yelled and belittled and ridiculed until my father pulled the trigger.

Listening to his story, finding the photographs, reading old letters, has confirmed everything I’ve found as I’ve progressed through my own healing. What if, instead of three or four decades to process an abuse, it only took one or two? What if, instead of the 70 years my father has needed, we could grow healthy processes to educate, support, and repair a person’s self-worth?  How do we know we can’t? Have we tried?

Instead of hating (which I think of as genocide of the spirit) or locking people up, we could gather policy makers and mental health workers, legislators, and others who could insist insurance companies reimburse for family therapy as well as individual therapy. Mental health workers would create enough momentum that group work would become the new normal. Right now, the crowd inertia is to sit back in the arm chair and throw insults at the TV. Perhaps it is possible to steer that inertia toward action for the betterment of our communities.

I’ve held my tongue all these years, the same way most people who’ve survived a family marred by incest remains silent. Maybe, I was hanging on and hoping it would all smooth over, as if a bad dream. Or, that someday we could reconnect as a family. Most importantly, for the longest time, I thought it was someone else’s story. It isn’t. It happened to me. And, just as important, I’m now in my 50s. I’m tired of dragging this silence around with me like it happened yesterday. I’m so burdened, it burned it’s way out of me in no uncertain terms when I read the Facebook post.

Lisa Bloom is right, child molestation isn’t rational. People who feel worthy, valued, and whole don’t molest children.

We know where to begin to heal our families and our country. We know what to do. And yet, we’re not doing it. We’re giving in to fear and looking for a quick fix.

When we reject and shun the offender, often a person who’s been integral to a family or church or community, we are behaving like my grandmother who held the bucket and screamed for her son to piss in the pot or like my grandfather who belittled his son until he shot the bear. We are using a remedy that will never solve our problem and will only make it worse.

Kim Cottrell is a Feldenkrais® practitioner, educator, and former speech pathologist, living in Portland, Oregon. Kim blogs at ahealthystepmother.com and contributes regularly to Walk About Magazine. She has run from just as many traumas as she has faced but one day she was inspired to lay down her anger and rage and forgive her father.

Image via Wikimedia Commons/Colin Swan/CC License

For years I have thought, what if a person could say to someone else.  You know sometimes I have these thoughts and feelings that I know aren't right but I keep getting them.  What if they could say that and not be worried about being shunned or hated?  What if a child could say to their teacher, I don't like what is happening in my home without fear of losing everything?  What if a person could say, I know what I did was wrong and I am sorry I did it, I need help without losing everything that makes them want to grow and be a better person.  How does putting a person behind bars for 25 years, while leaving their family struggling to just get by make the world a better place?  Does removing that person really help the abused to heal? Does removing that person, now give the abused more love?  Does it give them more security?  Does it help the abused to trust more? Does it put food on the table? Does it provide heat in the winter?  

My husband is still gone, still running because he is afraid of prison.  He is afraid of the consequences and how severe they will be.  Can I blame him?  Not really, because I wonder how I would react if I felt like going to prison might be a death sentence.  

None the less, his absence is like a grey cloud in my sky.  Every time my children don't have something as simple as ride to school for a field trip I am reminded of how much our family is hurting by his absence.  Are we surviving?  Sure we are.  I don't know how many times during the week, I think if only he was here.  I need his help to do this, I could use some help to do that.  I am tired of working, working, working and feeling alone.  I am tired of feeling like my children are not getting enough love, parental guidance, and stability they need to grow up to be responsible, successful, compassionate and passionate adults.