Today, I took some time out to read a little bit about Step One in an al anon book Paths to Recovery As some of you may know, Al-Anon is the sister program to AA. Its for people who have been affected by someone else's drinking. My husband is not only a sex offender, but also is an alcoholic (though currently he denies it), drug addict and in my opinion a sex addict. I have gone to Al-anon off and on for the last 14 years. In the beginning I was big into the program, but then I became disillusioned so I stopped going. Last year I started to slowly go back to meetings because the pain of loving my husband but not getting attention from him was hurting me so bad that I had to do something before I went insane. I do not want to depend on him for feeling loved because at this time in his life, he has not had much love to give to me. I decided that I needed to get my own friends and live my own life that was not completely wrapped up in him.
On page 15, there is a section called working Step one. For those of you, who do not know what step one is, it is as follows. We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable. This section has a series of questions for one to think about. Questions to help you take the focus off the alcoholic and put it on yourself. For many of us, our lives are so wrapped up in the alcoholic/sex addict/drug addict/etc, we don't even know who we are, or what we feel (other than pain). We think its selfish to take care of ourselves before we take care of others.
The question I think I will ponder about is do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change the way I deal with the drinker? 14 years ago, I had little problem accepting that alcoholism is a disease. It was easy back then. I was just starting to know my husband and his addictions. I was new to the program, everything was novel and inspiring. Over time things changed. My thoughts about alcoholism changed. I lost my faith in God, in religion, in some many things. I began to wonder if alcoholism was a disease. I started to think things like, maybe you are only a afraid of alcohol because everyone has told you to be afraid of it. Maybe if you were not afraid of it, it wouldn't be an issue. It's like when you tell someone that can't have something, they want it more. I began to think well, if I act like I am not afraid if my husband drinks, and he loses his fear of alcohol maybe this time he will not become consumed by it. Maybe since he hasn't drank for 6 or 7 years he is no longer addicted to it. He told me that a Native Counselor told him it would be okay if he drank and not to beat himself up about it. So my husband started with the premise:" I want to drink, I enjoy it and you are not going to stop me from it. I am only going to drink once in a while, maybe once a month. I am being honest like you want me to be. If you love me, you will accept me for who I am." So I said okay," drink once in a while. Be stronger. I guess it wont hurt if you drink because you like it, and not because you are sad or trying to escape something." He asked me to drink with him "you need to relax, drinking will help you to enjoy life, you are so uptight." So I drank with him. I thought it might be good to find out what is the attraction to drinking and being drunk. Can you really black out from drinking? Do you really make stupid decisions when drinking? I have always stayed away from drugs, alcohol, and smoking because of the dangers they pose. I believe I have the tendencies of an addict and don't want to become addicted to anything stronger than salt n vinegar chips. The first time I went out with him and got drunk so bad that I couldn't leave the bathroom for 15 minutes because my legs wouldn't cooperate. I was sitting there, saying" get up" and I couldn't my legs where numb. Eventually I did get up. We made it home that night safe. He hadn't drank as much as me, or maybe the alcohol doesn't affect him as quickly, I don't know. I don't know how drunk he was, but none the less we made it home. It was that night ironically, that I found out about the affair he had been having in our home. We had a another female staying with us, because she had no place to go and we wanted to "help" her. In my eyes she is a girl because she is 10 years younger than me. (that is a whole another post I am sure) . So that was my first drunk drunk episode with him. Drunk to the point where the next day I could smell the alcohol on my body. Yuck. That drunk didn't help me to see the good side of drinking because of the affair, even though I had a good time when I was getting drunk.
So to answer the question, I still don't know if I see the alcoholism as a disease. I do and I don't. I need to find out from people who don't think it is and who have over come their addiction. For some people it must be, but not for everyone. Is my husband an alcoholic? If a life ruined because of stupid decision/choices is a disease, then I would say yes, he has a problem. What is his exact problem, I don't know. Is is the alcoholism? Is it the sex addiction? I am sure he is a sex addict because why else would he have had sex partners that number into the 100's or more. Why would he want me to have sex with other people when all I want is to be loved by him? Is it is past trauma from the sexual abuse he suffered?
I don't have an answer for how whether or not I believe that alcoholism is a disease or not and how has it changed how I treat the alcoholic. Right now for this moment, in this space, I feel that my husband is sick because of generations of abuse that have gone on in both of our families. I do feel that we both need help and that we are not the evil people that some would like to say we are or that he is. I think that to isolate and to call us the "sick ones" is mistaken because it puts us in a box and separates. The honest truth is that probably we all are sick in this entire world, there is not one person out there who does not have some type of affliction whether it be jealousy, sexual perversion, anger, hate, greed...... and the list could go on and on. We have all been affected by something and need to help one another heal and not isolate from one another by believing "that person is sick and not me." We need to honestly address the secrets that live in each one of us and expose them to the light.
On page 15, there is a section called working Step one. For those of you, who do not know what step one is, it is as follows. We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable. This section has a series of questions for one to think about. Questions to help you take the focus off the alcoholic and put it on yourself. For many of us, our lives are so wrapped up in the alcoholic/sex addict/drug addict/etc, we don't even know who we are, or what we feel (other than pain). We think its selfish to take care of ourselves before we take care of others.
The question I think I will ponder about is do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change the way I deal with the drinker? 14 years ago, I had little problem accepting that alcoholism is a disease. It was easy back then. I was just starting to know my husband and his addictions. I was new to the program, everything was novel and inspiring. Over time things changed. My thoughts about alcoholism changed. I lost my faith in God, in religion, in some many things. I began to wonder if alcoholism was a disease. I started to think things like, maybe you are only a afraid of alcohol because everyone has told you to be afraid of it. Maybe if you were not afraid of it, it wouldn't be an issue. It's like when you tell someone that can't have something, they want it more. I began to think well, if I act like I am not afraid if my husband drinks, and he loses his fear of alcohol maybe this time he will not become consumed by it. Maybe since he hasn't drank for 6 or 7 years he is no longer addicted to it. He told me that a Native Counselor told him it would be okay if he drank and not to beat himself up about it. So my husband started with the premise:" I want to drink, I enjoy it and you are not going to stop me from it. I am only going to drink once in a while, maybe once a month. I am being honest like you want me to be. If you love me, you will accept me for who I am." So I said okay," drink once in a while. Be stronger. I guess it wont hurt if you drink because you like it, and not because you are sad or trying to escape something." He asked me to drink with him "you need to relax, drinking will help you to enjoy life, you are so uptight." So I drank with him. I thought it might be good to find out what is the attraction to drinking and being drunk. Can you really black out from drinking? Do you really make stupid decisions when drinking? I have always stayed away from drugs, alcohol, and smoking because of the dangers they pose. I believe I have the tendencies of an addict and don't want to become addicted to anything stronger than salt n vinegar chips. The first time I went out with him and got drunk so bad that I couldn't leave the bathroom for 15 minutes because my legs wouldn't cooperate. I was sitting there, saying" get up" and I couldn't my legs where numb. Eventually I did get up. We made it home that night safe. He hadn't drank as much as me, or maybe the alcohol doesn't affect him as quickly, I don't know. I don't know how drunk he was, but none the less we made it home. It was that night ironically, that I found out about the affair he had been having in our home. We had a another female staying with us, because she had no place to go and we wanted to "help" her. In my eyes she is a girl because she is 10 years younger than me. (that is a whole another post I am sure) . So that was my first drunk drunk episode with him. Drunk to the point where the next day I could smell the alcohol on my body. Yuck. That drunk didn't help me to see the good side of drinking because of the affair, even though I had a good time when I was getting drunk.
So to answer the question, I still don't know if I see the alcoholism as a disease. I do and I don't. I need to find out from people who don't think it is and who have over come their addiction. For some people it must be, but not for everyone. Is my husband an alcoholic? If a life ruined because of stupid decision/choices is a disease, then I would say yes, he has a problem. What is his exact problem, I don't know. Is is the alcoholism? Is it the sex addiction? I am sure he is a sex addict because why else would he have had sex partners that number into the 100's or more. Why would he want me to have sex with other people when all I want is to be loved by him? Is it is past trauma from the sexual abuse he suffered?
I don't have an answer for how whether or not I believe that alcoholism is a disease or not and how has it changed how I treat the alcoholic. Right now for this moment, in this space, I feel that my husband is sick because of generations of abuse that have gone on in both of our families. I do feel that we both need help and that we are not the evil people that some would like to say we are or that he is. I think that to isolate and to call us the "sick ones" is mistaken because it puts us in a box and separates. The honest truth is that probably we all are sick in this entire world, there is not one person out there who does not have some type of affliction whether it be jealousy, sexual perversion, anger, hate, greed...... and the list could go on and on. We have all been affected by something and need to help one another heal and not isolate from one another by believing "that person is sick and not me." We need to honestly address the secrets that live in each one of us and expose them to the light.
No comments:
Post a Comment