Deja vu

How many times in your life have you had the sense that you are reliving something all over again?  I know a lot of times I have the vague sensation that I saw or experienced something in dream form only to go through in real life.  This last year though I have had the fear that my husband and I were repeating history from 14 years ago. 
When my husband and I first started dating, I didn't realize he was married until I met his wife at his DUI court hearing.   Talk about shocker. By that time I was emotionally invested in him.  I was in love and thought love could overcome everything.  I also thought that she was a bitch who didn't really love him.   Everything he said about her I believed.  At 21 I was very young and naive. 
Okay, since I met her at his court appearance for DUI, that means he had gotten a DUI earlier that year and he would get one again later that year. 
During the time I met him, I was working night shift at a local hospital.  People would eventually begin to gossip about my relationship with him.  I imagine the hickies at that time were a source of conversation.  The hospital was having financial difficulties and was facing lay offs.  During this time of potential lay offs I was fired for supposedly sleeping when I was supposed to be working.  I wasn't sleeping, but was saying a prayer thanking God that I had made it through another night, when a co worker called out "Hey wake up"  I laughingly replied  I am not asleep only praying."  I still had a strong faith in God,and faith in a lot of things like our country's judicial system at that time. My heart would be broken that morning when I was called in to be terminated for "sleeping on the job."  I was only weeks away from changing shifts too.
  The memory of that day still stings and I swore if I ever became rich I would buy whatever place my ex boss was working at and fire her.  Too bad, her name, but not her face has been erased from my memory.  Sometimes I swear that certain things are blocked from my memory to keep me from going crazy obsessing about them.
So losing a job that I loved led me to getting work in a nursing home while my boyfriend at the time was in and out rehab, detox,  and the hospital.  During this point in our relationship he was drinking heavily as well as using crack.  The courts would send him to rehab, then something would happen and he would be out.  One time he got kicked out for supposedly having relations with one of the other women there.  To this day, he swears he never did.  Personally I don't know if he did or not.  I figure by now he wouldn't lie about it because it happened such a long time ago.  What's the point of lying, I haven't left yet?
I was being the ever" loving" girlfriend, loving and supporting him through everything.  I would hunt him down when he disappeared with our money to buy crack.   While driving to find him so I could end our relationship I would hear these great love songs on the radio that reminded me of how much I loved him and I would make up my mind to stick it out one more time.  I would cry my heart out while he would be in another room smoking and getting high. 
The last rehab he went to, he told me they were doping everyone up there and he didn't want to take the drugs that they wanted to get him and could I please come get him.  We could leave and start over somewhere else.  So I turned in my notice at work, packed up what I could in our car, along with our puppy, picked him up and away we went.  We were gone for about 9 months, living out of the car, camping, doing what we could to survive.
 I came back home when I got pregnant and decided that I was going to protect my child and no longer chase him around while he smoked crack. I was going to make sure this child had the life that my husband never had.   In some ways I credit our child with saving me.  Who knows how long I would have continued supporting his crack habit. Who knows maybe eventually I would've gotten hurt or killed on one the drug buys.  I put my foot down, if he was going to stay with me, the crack use had to stop. 
We came back to the area where we are now.  I started getting my life back in order.  He, continued to drink.  One night I came home from a meeting to find the cops at my house, alleging that he had touched my niece inappropriately while he was staying at my parents house.  Broke my heart, tore it out.  My niece, the one other person I loved more than anyone else, he hurt her!  I can't say that I truly  love a lot of people    I can probably count on my hand the people that I love without doubt, without reservation, and she was one of them. 
Too make a long story short, I chose to stand by him, despite what happened to my niece.  Not that I ever believed that he didn't do something.  I have never had that luxury of believing he was innocent.  God, I wish I did, I think it would be easier if I did.  I have tried my best to be honest with myself and not hide from the truth no matter how much it hurt.
I stayed with him because I believed and still believe that it was important for him to be a part of our children's lives.  I thought it best for our unborn child if they had a father who was  a part of their life even if it started off behind bars.  I thought it was best for all of us,  myself included.
  I didn't see him as a predator and I still don't.   Of course back then I didn't know just how things would turn out.  It really is a blessing not knowing everything that is going to happen in our lives.  I think if we did, we would decide that we just didn't want to go through with living because its too painful and scary at times.
In the end, he was sentenced to 10 years suspended after 4.  He was given 30 years probation as well as being required to register as a registered sex offender for 10 years.  His sentence seemed extravagant for what he did.  Now I know for some they are not going to understand how I can feel this way and will probably judge me as being a morally bankrupt person.  I feel like his sentence was unjust and over the top, based on what allegedly happened.   I say allegedly because he says he doesn't remember what he did that night and it never went to trial because I told him to not put my niece through any more pain by letting it go to trial. I felt like he had to plead guilty and that was that, end of story.  I know the report never accused him of rape and clothes were not removed.  I am not condoning what was done or saying that its acceptable in any way shape or form.  I am just saying he got a lot more time in prison for doing a lot less than what other people have done.  That in its self can make a person resentful and angry.  I really feel our punishments have to be appropriate and fit the crime.  Over or under punishment doesn't do any good for anyone.

How its similar 

Okay, the title of this story is called deja vu, because  a year ago, he cheated on me with another women while I was working the night shift in a small local hospital, which is of course how our relationship started. ( I swore I would never work nights again!) Now I am the bitch, who doesn't love him or understand him.  The one who tries to control him and keep him from drinking.  (Thats how I am sure other people see me) After he cheated, the drinking started up again.  He had been sober while in jail and for about 2 years once he got out.  I see the cheating and drinking as a repeat from 14 years ago.
About 10 months ago we moved back to the area where it begin.  He has family and more work opportunities out here.  Another reason we moved back to this area was because when we moved from the original state to another state, he got more time on the registry.  He would be off the registry sometime this year in the original state.  The new state we moved to tacked on another 20 years because they "misinformed" us when they told us they would honor the originating states sentencing.  If we had known what would happen by leaving the originating state we would have stayed there and finished things out.  Being on the registry is a tricky thing.  Every state has different laws and figuring out what those laws are is tough, especially since they change so quickly. 
Wouldn't you know it, a few weeks into our new place of residence in a town only 6 miles from the original town where he first offended in, he got a DUI, not 200 feet away from where we live. Isn't that just crazy. 
Too make things even more interesting, we have a female friend of the family who is the one who takes him to his court appearances like I used to do.  I am not saying that anything is going on, but I have had my suspicions.  I find it highly ironic.  She is nice and very loving person.  In some ways, we are a lot alike.  She would do anything in the world for a friend.  I just wish he would have asked his family to bring  him to court so that I wouldn't feel so jealous. 
Roughly a year ago, I started going back to 12 step meetings.  For a long time I stopped going because I lost faith so to speak.  I went back just around the time of the affair because I wanted to stop letting my world revolve around him.  It was hurting so much.    To me it always seems about the time I really get involved in these meetings that he really begins to self destruct.  I am not sure why this is.
You already know if you read "Sins of the Father" that he has been accused of re offending.  No charges have been filed as of yet, it's still under investigation.  I don't know what is taking so long.  Just like before he was drinking heavily and is accused of inappropriately touching someone. 
As this last year has been unfolding, I have been racking my brain over why are we going through this again? Of course I didn't expect the sexual re offending  to happen. I was hoping he would see what was happening and stop drinking before things escalated to that point.  If I had believed that it would repeat itself,  I would have made different choices.   What is my part in all of this?  I truly believe that when there is a repeat of something, its because there was a lesson that wasn't learned the first time around, or something was left undone.  I am trying hard to figure out what that is and what I can do differently this time around.

How its different

I don't know if I am doing things differently enough this time around.  He isn't living with us currently but I still talk to him.  I love him and haven't cut him off, but neither have I made any promises.  I just don't know if I can go through another prison term with him.  I haven't gone to court with him.   I haven't paid for a lawyer like I did last time.  Haven't even called any for him, though I have given him names and numbers of lawyers and mental health counselors.  If he wants a paid lawyer, he will have to obtain one for himself.  I don't honestly have the money.   This time I have two children to support and can't afford to help him. I am also not going to tell him to plead guilty or not to let it go to trial.  That choice is up to him.
  I am trying to reach out to other people more who are going or have gone through similar situations, hence this blog.  Last time before he got out, we talked about how we needed to changes sex offender laws because the approach is wrong.  We didn't do it, because we are afraid of the system.  I know he is afraid of worse things happening if he speaks out about the registry.  I don't know.  Did it happen again so that we would take more action? 
 This time I see that he needs help.  Its more than just drinking.  I  believe he is an sex addict.   I didn't think this the last time around.  I thought it was just the drinking and drugs that were the main problem.  I thought that once he got some counseling for what happened, it wouldn't happen again.
So things have been repeated themselves, but not completely.  Are the changes enough?  Am I doing the right things?  Is he doing the right things?  Only time will tell.
 

Child Pornography is revolting:. why arent't we doing more to stop it before it starts?

Talk about emotional whiplash. Two weeks ago in The New Yorker, Rachel Aviv wrote about John, a socially awkward veteran who was ensnared in an Internet child-sex sting in the late 1990s. He was convicted of persuading a child to have sex with him (although no sex happened—the supposed child was really a cop) as well as possession of child pornography. After his release, he landed back in jail on another child porn charge. Nearing completion of that sentence, despite a lack of evidence that he had ever molested a child himself, he was subject to a legal procedure known as civil commitment, which allows sex offenders to be detained beyond their prison terms on the grounds that they’re likely to harm again. Aviv never suggests that child pornography is a victimless crime, but you’re left with the feeling that John doesn’t quite deserve to be jailed indefinitely.

Just when you were starting to feel kind of sorry for child porn offenders who have never personally abused, out comes “The Price of a Stolen Childhood,” the New York Times Magazine’s cover story this weekend by Slate’s Emily Bazelon. Centered around the question of whether financial restitution helps child pornography victims, Bazelon tells the story of a woman named Nicole, who, as a 9-year-old, was raped and abused by her father, who continued to rape and abuse her for years while videotaping and posting his crimes on the Internet; and the story of Amy, who was also 9 when her uncle repeatedly raped and abused her and circulated images of his depravity online. The descriptions of the women’s abuse and resulting psychological trauma are so vivid and horrifying that you probably can’t help but think that of course everyone who views child porn should go to jail and pay restitution—and those who create it should be strung up and shot.

Nowhere in either article is the most dark and disturbing question asked: Why do some grown men want to rape or molest little kids? Or even look at images of such acts? You might answer that it’s because they’re sick perverts, but "sick pervert" is neither a medical diagnosis nor a psychiatric designation. Believing that the world is simply pocked with sick perverts who are destined to rape and molest children is, in a way, to give into the inevitability of their crimes with our fingers crossed that they'll be caught. (Most are not.) It does nothing to prevent men like John from doing what he did, nor what happened to Nicole and Amy from happening again.

That’s why researchers are increasingly studying child sexual abuse as a public health issue, with a focus on identifying risk factors that may lead to abuse and protective factors that may prevent it. But compared to the many millions of dollars we spend on civil commitment, trials, imprisonment, sex offender registration, and the like, we spend almost nothing on prevention.

“We're investing all of our money in a very small number of people,” Joan Tabachnick, a co-chair of the Prevention Committee of the Association for the Treatment of Sexual Abusers, told me. “The primary prevention part, before any child is harmed—that’s where we need to ratchet it back to. But the way we invest is completely reactive and doesn't look at most situations of sexual abuse.”

Elizabeth Letourneau, a child sexual abuse expert at the Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health, agrees. “We keep waiting for bad things to happen and then reacting to them,” she said. “To prevent risk we have to know what's causing the issue, and that has to do with basic science. And there's almost no basic science in our country that targets this problem.”

Letourneau thinks a big step would come from the creation of a single federal agency mandated to prevent childhood victimization, because different types of victimization—physical and sexual assault, for instance—often go hand in hand. “The bang for your buck is very high if you find risk factors for any kind of child neglect,” she said.

Certain potential sexual abusers would still evade detection in this model. They’re the ones who wouldn’t display typical risk factors but are preferentially attracted to minors—the true pedophiles, that is. That’s where novel research on the neurological underpinnings of pedophilia comes in, like the work that clinical psychologist James Cantor is spearheading at the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health in Toronto, which I’ve written about in the past and which many in the field are eyeing with interest.

It’s a sad truth that there will probably never be a total eradication of child sexual abuse. And questions about how we should handle child pornography offenders and compensate sexual abuse victims are certainly important. But if we’re really so disturbed by these stories, the most critical question we should be asking—and funding the hell out of in search of answers—is how to prevent people from becoming offenders or victims in the first place.  By Jennifer Bleyer

I read this article and I think it really articulates how I feel.  Lets stop sexual abuse before it starts.  Locking people up and throwing away the key or forever making them and their loved ones feel like an outcast is not the answer.

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USA FAiR Responds to John Burbine Reclassification of Sex Offenders

 I hadn't heard the story about John Burdine, a sex offender who is accused of video taping sexual abuse of 13 boys.  Since I don't have cable tv and it didn't make it on to the news sites on the web that I  frequent, I missed the story.  That is probably a good thing because its to be a sure a heart breaking story.  The actions of this man of course are causing people in the state of massachuesets to rethink their sex offender classification.  There must be something wrong with the system if a person on the lowest tier level reoffended. 
This is what Shana Rowans had to say about what has happened.    By now, all of Massachusetts and much of the country has heard about the gruesome allegations against John Burbine; a man accused of videotaping himself sexually abusing 13 young children.
He’s also a Level 1 registered sex offender, which has understandably led lawmakers to respond with proposed legislation aimed at preventing such a crime from happening again. Unfortunately, as is often the case following high-profile child sex crimes, well-intentioned legislators respond with broad-brush proposals and political placebos that may make constituents feel good, but don’t actually do anything to protect the public.
Because Burbine was classified as a low risk Level 1 offender, the knee jerk emotional response has been that there must therefore be something wrong with the classification system, causing some Massachusetts legislators to propose that any offender who committed a crime against a child must no longer be classified as low risk. This flies in the face of volumes of studies that show conclusively that offenders who commit the same crime do not pose the same risk of reoffending.
For example, offenders whose crime involved incest with a minor child have the lowest recidivism rate of any group of sex offenders.
Additionally, approximately one-third of all sex crimes committed against children are committed by other minors and history has shown that treatment is particularly effective with this group in producing low re-offense rates.
The fact that a Level 1 offender committed a heinous act does not mean the system is not working. Level 1 means low risk - not no risk. Level 1 means that these offenders pose a relative lower risk of reoffending than Level 2 moderate-risk offenders or Level 3 highest-risk offenders. However, relative risk does not predict with certainty what an individual offender will do. Just as studies have shown that most high-risk offenders will never commit another sex crime, some low risk offenders will.
From the beginning of the sex offender registry risk classifications were designed to be a tool to assess the potential risk of a particular offender. They were based on an evaluation of the offender that looked at many characteristics, including the offender, the victim and the circumstances surrounding the offense and assigned a risk classification based on actuarial data of similar offenders. This system, while imperfect, has been shown to demonstrate better predictive results than other methods, including individual psychological evaluations.
If we are going to switch to a system that bases risk level designations solely on the crime committed than we will give up on even the pretense that levels are a risk assessment tool. A law that would prohibit offenders whose crimes were committed against children from being designated as Level 1 registrants will be that start of a slippery slope to making the risk tiers utterly meaningless – except perhaps as a new means to register societal disapproval of a particular act.
Sex offenders have one of the lowest recidivism rates
The U.S. Department of Justice along with numerous other criminal justice agencies and academic institutions have found that sex offenders have one of the lowest recidivism rates of any offender group in the criminal justice system. However, some subsets of offenders do indeed have higher rates of recidivism. Public policy initiatives should be directed at making risk assessments better able to identify those few offenders most likely to reoffend - as opposed to throwing in the towel and taking a one-size-fits-all approach.

Related Content:

    http://www.capecodtoday.com/article/2013/01/25/16737-low-risk-was-never-meant-mean-no-risk

ESCAPE...

Sex offenders have one of the lowest recidivism rates

By Shana Rowan
I am the founder of ESCAPE, a group that aims to prevent sex crime through awareness, prevention and education and advocates for sex crime legislation reform. I just finished reading your articles, "Is Plymouth area a sex offender haven?" and "What attracts attracts 271 sex offenders to this area" with great interest.
Personal note to you Mr. Brooks:
Your article struck a nerve with me for more than one reason.
I grew up going to the lower Cape for as long as I can remember, and it is one of my favorite places in the world.
I also happen to share my life and home with someone who is a registered sex offender for a "crime" he committed as a child, after suffering severe abuse himself.His crime was not forcible or violent.
We went to Cape Cod together for the first time this past summer, with my entire family, and it was an absolutely wonderful experience not just for our family, but for him in particular.
His childhood and adolescence was so abusive and neglectful... he had never even been on a vacation, been to the beach, or ridden a wave.
I have never seen him more happy than the week we spent in Eastham. When I read your article, and especially the assertion that sex offenders don't change, I almost cried. I read things like this every day and usually it doesn't get to me, but having had such a wonderful experience in that particular area with my boyfriend, and hearing such a hateful reaction to people with the sex offender label, it was very hurtful.
I hope I've made some sort of impact on your opinion on sex offenders. It's not an easy subject nor is it easy to discuss. As I read the first paragraphs of each article, I thought you were actually going to offer an insightful piece as to why people convicted of sex crimes might live in an area as pleasant as Cape Cod.
You began by pointing out that people attempting to recover from drug and alcohol abuse frequently situate themselves in relaxing, cathartic locations such as Cape Cod as they begin to rebuild their lives, and that they are "willing to admit they have a problem, and then be prepared to do whatever it takes to stop." Then you went on to state that "sex offenders, on the other hand, seldom if ever stop their predatory and heinous actions".
Mr. Brooks, you could not be more wrong. Sex offenders have one of the lowest recidivism rates (3.5-8.5%) out of all other felonies, including violent ones.
In fact, the drug and alcohol abusers you seem to welcome into your community are far more likely to commit another drug- or alcohol-related crime than a sex offender is to commit another sex crime. Of the children and adults who are sexually assaulted, the overwhelming majority of them (about 80% for adults and 93-97% for children) know their attacker - and they have never been convicted of a sex crime, nor are they on any registry. Low recidivism and familiarity between victim and abuser are both widely documented by the federal and state governments, as well as numerous independent researchers.
Publishing such a biased statement and misleading people into thinking it's true is not helping to keep our communities safer. Perhaps you are unaware that not all "sex offenders" are child molesters or rapists. Many other crimes having nothing to do with sexual violence or children - including flashing, streaking, peeping, teenagers in consensual relationships and more - can label someone as a sex offender. In fact, a quarter of all registered sex offenders ARE children under 18. Most former offenders have families and children, and statements like the one you made hurt them, too. They suffer the same public shaming and ostracizing as the offenders themselves.
The only way we will prevent sex crime is by educating ourselves and our children and being aware of the facts. Please visit my website's "Recidivism" section where you will find many recidivism studies conducted by various groups as well as sources for all statistics cited in this article. There are many other studies full of information and statistics that would probably be of interest to you as well as your readers.
Hopefully, I've shed a bit more light on a very serious and widely misunderstood subject.
Sincerely,
Shana Rowan
Founder, ESCAPE
92 Seneca Ave
Oneida, NY 13421

I thought I would share a few articles from other people.  Hope nobody minds. 

Depression, its settling in

 It's been a month since the "incident".  Our lives have been turned upside down once again.  Just this time I have my children caught up in the process as well..  I haven't seen my husband in a few weeks though he is not in jail currently.  I talk to him on occasion and get some texts.  Its been even longer since my children have seen him, thanks to CPS.
When I first asked him to leave, I was sad, tearful, just a wreck for the first weekend.  Things got better emotionally after a few days.  I felt like I was going to be okay, maybe happy even.
 The last few days though things have been piling up.  The fear, the stress, the worry, dealing with life has been getting to me.  I came home last night to a somewhat torn up house because HIS dog  has broken free her crate and got into things. She is a German Shepherd/Husky mix.  She is high energy and social.  Since my husband left, so has everyone else.  Our home went from being overcrowded and noisy to being like a tombstone.  The silence broken only by the blare of the anime and cartoon shows my girls are watching.  I swear even the dogs miss him and suffer because he is gone.  They are acting out by having accidents and chewing on whatever their mouths can find.  They are better behaved if someone is home.   I am about to find his dog a new home because I have a feeling that we are going to be separated for a long time, if not forever.  I better get used to taking care of our family by myself again.  I just don't think that I can manage his dog as well.  It's a hard choice to make because I feel like I am getting rid of a family member and because it's just one more loss for our girls.  Its also  another loss for him.  It's one more piece of his life that will be gone, in the event that he does come back home.   I just don't see that I can afford a dog walker or doggy daycare for her while I work.  I can barely keep heat and food in this house.  He can barely keep shelter over his head or food in his belly.  He is in no position to take care of anything other than himself.  I am so friggin worried about his cough and whether he has pneumonia again.  So worried and so powerless to fix anything or to help.
Yesterday CPS called to "check in".  I know logically they are just doing their job and that none of this is their fault.  I know this, but try telling that to my heart.  As far as I am concerned they are the enemy, no matter how well intentioned they are.  I resent them intruding on our lives.  I hate that we have to play by their rules.  Apparently if I don't get insurance soon or take my oldest girl to counseling, they will become much more involved in our lives.  When will this nightmare end?
I don't disagree completely with counseling for my children, except for that I don't have a high level of trust in counselors, especially when it comes to this situation.  I want counselors who will help, but not intentionally tear this family apart, which is my biggest fear.  I want counselors who understand sex offenders, their families and all that comes with that title.  I wonder even if I found a counselor and could begin to afford to pay for their services, when would I find the time to meet with them.  Are they available on the weekends?  Are they available after 7pm? 
Tonight I will be working at night shift to make up for not working last Monday because of the holiday.  I think this is another contributing factor to the depression and sadness.  I hate working the night shift because I feel so tired the next day and it takes a while before I feel "normal" again.  I haven't been to this place in a long time and I am worried about whether or not I will have trouble logging into the computer system.  At least in the old days, you didn't have to stress out about such things.  Some times having technology has really just complicated life.
  I miss my girls already, but know that I am not "present " for them the way I need to be.  I wonder sometimes if they would not be better off with another family that was more stable.  My oldest child was crying yesterday because she didn't want to go to school because "one of the boys is telling me that I am stupid and will never amount to anything."  She doesn't want me to get involved and tell anyone at the school.  Again, I feel like if my husband was here, we would be better equipped to help her with this.  Again, being married to a RSO complicates things because do you really want to go to the school and let them know the whole situation?  What do you tell people?  How much information do you share without putting your whole family out there for the whole community to judge?

Recoveries anonymous

I found a new website this week called recoveries anonymous.  I found it when I googled self help 12 step programs for sex offenders.  I am desperate to find help for my family.  I am certain that there will be no way of affording counseling or rehab type of help in the near future. 
I went to my first RA phone conference meeting tonight.  It was different  from the other 12 step programs that I have been too.  I don't know if that's good or bad.  My feelings are mixed.  I am used to what I am used to and this is a solution based program.  It's open to everyone and their families and friends. It really focuses on going back to the original "big book" and following the 12 steps exactly.  They compare it to following a recipe.  You can't make a cake if you leave out half the ingredients.  They do have a point about that.  
I was hoping my husband would be in on the call with me. He apparently had trouble getting through.  Even though we are a part, we have been trying to attend some 12 step phone conference meetings together.  It's awkward at times because what we need from 12 step recovery programs are usually the opposite.  He's the alcoholic, I need to recover from the effects of his alcoholism.  He has what I think are sex addictions that I need to recover from the effects of.  This program makes no differentiation, it offers hope for whatever you want to recover from.  It doesn't encourage you to talk about your problems in the meeting but instead to focus on recovery.  That's a new concept for me.
So I guess we will see.  Before the meeting I feeling quite discouraged and sad.  Now I am feeling puzzled and left wondering do I want to recovery enough to do the footwork that it would take to recover? 

SAGE: Treating Child Sex Offenders and Victims: A Practical Guide: Anna Salter: 9780803931824

SAGE: Treating Child Sex Offenders and Victims: A Practical Guide: Anna Salter: 9780803931824

I came across this book as I was googling treatment for sex offenders.  As big as an issue sexual abuse is, there is very little concrete help available.  I'm not implying endorsement of this book or the author.  I have never read it and I have no idea of the authors personal views on RSO.  I am simply putting it out there as a possible resource for people who may be interested.

The enemy within, the strength within

Elder's Meditation of the Day - January 23
"Our true enemies, as well as our true sources of strength, lie within."
-- Willaru Huayta, QUECHUA NATION, PERU
A long time ago, the Creator put inside the human being the secrets to the laws of life. We usually know this is true even though we may not know what these laws are. If something goes wrong with our lives, we usually fix the blame on something outside of ourselves. We tend to give up accountability. One way or another we say, "It's not my fault." We need to realize that all permanent and lasting change starts on the inside and works its way out. If it's meant to be, it is up to me.

Oh Great Spirit, let me realize fully that my problems are of my own making. Therefore, so are the solutions.


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Meditations with Native American Elders: The Four Seasons at www.coyhispublishing.com.
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I read this meditation today and I thought I would share it because it does seem applicable.  I don't believe that anyone is truly able to tell us why we do the things we do.  We have to discover for ourselves why.  Even when you go to a counselor for help, they can guide you, give suggestions or exercises to help you try and get to the bottom of your behavior but they themselves don't have the answers.  The only person who holds the key to your behavior is you.  I think we know that instinctively which is why we talk, journal, pray,  meditate because that is how we begin to unlock our own secrets that lie hidden beneath the surface. 

I don't know why my husband does why he does.  I would love to be able to tell him, these are the reasons and this is how you fix x,y or z, unfortunately its not that easy.  The only person I can truly possibly begin to understand is me.  Part of this blog is not only to share my experience as the wife of an RSO, but also to possibly discover along the way why I do the things I do.  Maybe as I discover what it is that makes me tick, and share that here, it will help others to think about what they do and why that it is.  Maybe self understanding will help in some way reduce some of the anger, disgust, judgement that we may feel for people that we fear because we  don't understand them. 

The book called the Red Road to Wellbriety, gave me the most hope out of any book that I have read that there is hope for sex offenders.   Native American children suffered extreme abuse on many levels years (physical, sexual, cultural, spiritual to name a few) ago when they were removed from their homes and put into boarding schools so that they could be assimilated into the "White" culture.  The abuses that they suffered have affected many of them to this day, and like I said before in one of my other posts, what happens to one generation continues to affect future generations.  This book talks about the hope that they have for healing their children's children from the trauma they have suffered over the years, and this includes sexual abuse.

I hope that as people who have commited sexual abuse against others begin to discover for themselves why they did these things, that they will begin to share what they have learned to aide others in their self journey.

P.S I myself, don't currently follow any one particular belief or way of life.  I am still searching for the answers.  So don't surprised to see a smattering of ideas from different cultures because I believe there are truths and lessons to be learned from every race on this earth.

 

Angry, you bet.

Today I woke up a cold house, the oil is out and won't be delivered to who knows when.  It makes me angry that my husband is not here.  Not here to help with the bills, not here to help keep things like this from happening.  We are separated until cps or someone decides if he is safe to come home.  Chances of that happening?  Slim to nothing.
Driving to work 60 something miles one way in 20 degree temps, causing my fingers and toes to hurt bc of the numbness and tingling I felt angry again.  Angry that I don't have the money I need to fix my car, angry that I don't know anyone who can fix my car on the weekend when I am not working for a price I can afford.  Angry again that my husband cannot help me.
This weekend my 8 year old daughter yelled at me for no real reason, she is doing that a lot lately.  It breaks my heart and makes me angry.  Angry at my husband because how could he get into trouble again and now he cannot be the father or husband that we so desperately need.  Angry at this system that hurts the children more than helping them, angry at cps because they aren't here to see how separating the parent and child sometimes is the worse thing in itself.  Angry because where is help when you need it?  Angry because I had to choose between rent and health insurance.  Angry because even if I had health insurance, I couldn't use it because I wouldn't be able to afford the co pays.  If I could afford the co pays, how would I find the time to go see a health care provider when I work 12 hours a day in order to provide for my family.
Some days I am angry that I have to work, and can't stay at home and take care of my kids.  Its hard feeling like you are never there enough for your children because you are just trying to keep things afloat.  How many parents work and then when they are home, they are not really there because there mind is elsewhere?
Other days I am mad at this system.  So mad at our judicial system.  Who decided that the best way to "help" and punish people was to lock them up with other people who have the same problems or worse problems.  I remember growing up, if I got into trouble, my parents didn't punish me by putting me with other misbehaving children,  no instead they separated me from them.  We also had a conversation about what I did wrong, why it was wrong and why it better not happen again.  Privileges were taken away, but responsibility was not. 
Right now, I am mad that we can't afford a lawyer and that I make too much money for him to qualify for legal assistance.  It's not like we would even expect help for free, just something manageable that is not going to take away the necessities like food, heat, shelter for our family.  As it is I am worried about my husband because I know he is sick right now and needs to see a doctor and get medicine.  I also know he and I cannot afford it.  I can't take care of him and I know he cannot take care of himself because he is working desperately trying to earn enough money to take care of his basic needs and hopefully be able to afford legal assistance.  Its a friggin never ending cycle.
I am mad at the people who molested him and never have had to have consequences.  They never went to jail like he did.  They never were labeled an RSO, they go on their daily lives, working, being free while he and I pay a high price every day. 
Other days I am angry at myself.  Angry that I am powerless to fix things.  Angry about choices that I made. 
This is just a short look at what I am angry about.  It's more than just page and goes deeper than what I just described.  Too look  at me, you would never know that I am angry.  I hide it well, I stuff it so deep that I have to dig around until I find out that, yes, I am angry.

Polyanna, its not

Before I go to long too far on this blog, I just want to clarify a few things.  My intent on writing this blog is not to paint a picture that rso's are perfect and" how can they be treated this way", because we all know that's not the truth, otherwise there would be no "list".  I really want to just share on what its like for an everyday family to go through this experience.  I don't speak for other families, only myself when I say that this situation is not black or white and there is no cut and dried one fits all solution.  I don't  know from one day to the next, what decision I will make.  Will I stay with my husband?  I don't know.  We have a lot of things that need to be addressed.  Even though I don't know the final outcome, it doesn't change the fact that I love someone who is an rso and it has impacted my life and the life of our children in a major way.  It also doesn't change the fact that I believe that we need to stop demonizing people and allowing myths to perpetuate themselves just because some people are an easy target to hate.
So there may be times when I whine or complain about my husband and his behaviour, just because that's what I need to do.  What wife doesn't need to vent every once in while?  Who knows exactly what will be written from one day to the next.  It's not like I have a preplanned agenda, I just write from the heart.  There may be times that I voice the questions about this experience that are driving me crazy because I haven't figured out what the answer for me is.   Other days I hope to be able to dispel some of the myths that there are about the families and people who are registered sex offenders.  I hope to show that as families we are just like you, everyday people struggling with something that most of us would not wish upon our worst enemy.  I bet some days what I share may cause people to think I am crazy, and maybe I am.  I know sometimes I question my own sanity.  How can you not?  If I come across help or something that may help others, I want to share that as well.  I also hope that those who stumble across this blog will share their insight and experiences. 

Its complicated

As you may see, I don't have a profile to view.  The main reason for that is that I need to protect the privacy of my family.  Being married to a sex offender is complicated.  First off there is the registered sex offender registry.  It's hard enough for sex offenders to be on it, because it segregates you from other people, as well as makes people look at you with suspecion.  I get that we want to protect our children and we think that if there is a list of all the boogy men out there if will help because we can avoid them.  I wish it was so.  Trust me, I want to protect my children as much as the next person.  I know from experience that "a list" isn't going to protect them any more than flapping my arms is going to make me a bird.
As a wife of a sex offender, I know the shame and guilt that I feel just by association.  There are things you don't tell people unless you really trust them and know they are not going to judge you or your love for the sex offender.  There are a few, precious few people that I will share openly with.  It's easier to share openly on a blog because I can't see your reactions, its not in my face.  I only hope that everyone who does share, does so with respect and tactfulness. 
Supporting your family can be difficult when you are a rso because not many people want to hire some body who on that list.  Its unfortunate because not having employment only continues to hurt the family that is trying to recover.  Dad (majority of rso are men) can't get work to support his family.  Wife or significant other or government has to support family, causing additional shame, guilt and pressure on the rso.  Rso continues to feel less than everyone else.  Like this wasn't a problem already.   Feelings of being overwhelmed and not being able to provide continue to esculate affecting everyone in the family.
For children living and loving a rso.  If they know and understand what dad went to jail for, there is that shame and fear.  Will it happen again, will it happen to me.  What will happen to my family?  Will I lose my dad again?  
Life in general is complicated, love is complicated, try adding being on the registry to that mix and you have the recipe for a life that is not easy for all involved to say the least
 

1st memory of why I love him.

I keep coming back to this question.....why do I love my husband when he has broken my heart so many times?
Let me go back to the beginning when I met him.  I had just finished the night shift at our local hospital.  It had been a long night.  My patients that I took care of were restless, and agitated, maybe from the snowstorm.  Several of them were mentally challenged clients.  A couple of them in particular kept pulling at their medical tubes.  One had a liver tube and another had oxygen.  If he took his oxygen off, his o2 sat would drop and the alarms would start to beep.  Beep, beep, just what you want waking up everyone else.  These clients had hired sitters.  Most of the people who came and sat with them, were not into their job at all.  They just sat there staring at the TV or reading a magazine, not really putting much effort into their job.  I ended up having to restrain my clients because the sitters just were not able to keep the client's  hands off the tubing.
I had given report and was getting ready to leave.  I remember that I was so tired and ready to go home, when this guy dressed in white jeans and a blue t-shirt came out of one of the rooms and demanded to know why "is my client tied up?!!  Untie him!"  I was so not in the mood to be questioned by a "sitter."  I went into my montage of how" you sitters don't want to do your job,  can't keep the clients from hurting themselves, I have had long night and now you have the nerve to question me!.  Fine, I will release the restraints, but you had better keep him from taking off his oxygen"  I did as he asked.  I left the room.  On the way out again, I walked by the room and noticed how he was talking to this man and treating him like he was a real person as he got him ready for the day.  It was so different from how most people every treated this special population of people.  I remember driving home that day, thinking," Man I would love to go out with him, he so cute and sweet.  Too bad I have a boyfriend."  Little did I know what the future held for us.
I haven't been able to let go of this memory.  His act of caring and bravado certainly caught my eye that day. I have yet to meet a man who has captured my heart like he did.

Sins of the father

VISITING THE INIQUITY OF THE FATHERS ON THE CHILDREN AND THE CHILDREN’S CHILDREN, TO THE THIRD AND THE FOURTH GENERATION.  EXODUS 34:7

Even though I no longer read the Bible or go to church, I think there is truth to this statement.  I think my family is a perfect example of how sexual abuse is rampant, more than we want to admit and it’s a family disease.  Sadly I don’t think our story is that unique.  Its just one of many out there.

I don’t know everyone’s past in my family, or my husbands.  I am sure what I am sure what I am about to share only scratches the surface.  What I do know is enough to make me think that we as a country are going about treating sexual abuse the wrong way.

MY SIDE

For my side, I remember my grandmother telling me how she had been raped around the age 15 by male family member(s).  I don’t remember if it was a brother or father or both.  She is no longer with us to ask.  She told me it was one reason she had trouble getting close to people.  From what little I remember she had a good relationship with those in her family.  I never met her dad or mother.  Her brothers seemed okay to me. 

My 2^nd to oldest brother was molested (what exactly was done to him, I don’t know because he never shared the specifics with me) by a principle at the state run deaf school he went to when he was very young.  The articles I have read, said that he tied up children to a tree from this school for the deaf and blind and sexually abused them.  This went on for years.  Apparently the man died before anyone ever found out about it.  Whether or not the abuse is the sole cause, my brother is an alcoholic who becomes depressed and suicidal when he visits Maine.  By the time my brother ever even admitted what happened to him, whatever money the state of Maine paid the victims, was not available for him.

My sister told me one reason she is so angry at people who commit sex offenses is because a family that we called the pig farmers molested her when she was a young child.  Sometimes I think they must have molested me too because of the dreams I used to have about pig skins being on the walls of the house or barn and being laid a crossed a table and being touched.  Now I don’t know if it is my imagination or not.  As far as I know this couple were never punished for what they did.

Then there is me.  I remember when I was around 5 or 6 my best friend at that time who was 6 years older than me did something.  I don’t remember the details because I went inside my head when it happened.  I remember before and after.  Once I told his mom just about the kisses he made me give him, he wasn’t my friend anymore.  So I lost a friend.  Then I remember my brother masturbating over me.  I didn’t know what it was all about, just that it was weird and gross.  My older brother caught him and lit into him pretty good.  I considered telling my parents but I didn’t want anything bad to happen to my brother.    I never talked about it until I was in high school.

Even though I don’t know if my oldest brother was sexually abused, he was emotionally and physically abused by today’s standards.  Back then it was just the way things were.  He has a problem with porn as well anger and low self estem.

For me when I think back on the experiences, what hurts the most are the damaged relationships, the lost friendship.  I needed that so much growing up.   I love my brother and don’t see him as a monster or predator that so often we make people out to be who do these things.  I don’t know if he has ever done anything since then to anyone else.

As I got older and had different conversations, I learned that I wasn’t alone in what happened to me.  My friend did things to the other girls I was friends with.   Over time I have been saddened to learn that all my closest friends have been molested in some shape or form.  I have a sneaking suspicion that people who haven’t been molested are the minority.  One friend was molested by a teacher who is now the principal of my old high school.  Another of my friends left our school when something happened between her and a faculty member.  I am pretty sure it changed her life in a big way, since when she left she got involved sexually with boys and became a mother while in high school.   Some of our friends got caught in the middle of he said, she said and she lost some friendships along the way because they didn’t want to take sides.

HIS SIDE

My husband side is even trickier than mine.  I came from a relatively stable family despite everything I have just told you.  He was born out of wedlock to a woman who slept with a carnival man.  She was about 18 or 20 I guess; she already had one child already.  She didn’t need another, so she gave him up for adoption to her brother and his wife.  They soon split and he lived with his adopted mom and her new husband. 

His biological dad is rumored to be a wanderer or philanderer.  He never settled down until his 50’s.  It’s been rumored that he has close to 50 possible children scattered across the country.  We will never know because he is dead.   My husband never met him, but got to know his stepfather real well.  Too well in fact.

His stepfather had a rough life; he and his brothers were taken away from his mom and put into foster care.  Apparently the foster homes he was in mistreated him.  I wish I knew more about happened because he is so emotionally, educationally and socially damaged.  He went on to abuse my husband as a child in every way possible, verbally, emotionally, physically, and sexually.  Sometimes my husband would sit in the bathtub and try to scrub away his skin because he hated how he was different.  His step dad was fortunate because he worked as a farm hand for a local judge who was protected him when allegations were made by my husband.  As far as I know he sexually abused his daughter and later on her son.  Of course no one wants to talk about it; most everyone is warned to not leave their children alone with him, as well as women should never be alone with him.  Even him, I have a hard time hating.  I feel bad about the abuse he must’ve gone through to turn out this way.  I wish there was help.  I see the good as, well as I see the bad.  I feel  for my mother in law, it must hurt that no one will let the grandchildren spend the night. 

At some time while my husband was still young, he started going to church.  He loved church, the activities, the caring.  He met a man there who especially liked to pay attention to him.  He would take him places, buy him things, and give him attention, things that he didn’t get at home.  The only catch was he couldn’t tell anybody about the touching that went on.  Finally he did tell someone and the church asked the man to leave.  Again as far as I know there was at least another boy out there who he molested.   I would imagine that there are more out there.  Do you think the church reached out to my husband and tried to help him?  Hardly.  Again, he lost more than just his innocence.

My husband’s cousin recently told me that when he was younger, my husband’s older brother molested him too.  There are other rumors I have heard about other people that he may have molested.  I don’t know how true it is.  I really hope it’s just sour grapes.  Again here is a man that while I know he has got his issues, is a good dad and a good person as far as I can tell.

My husband was affected by the abuse he went through.  He started drinking fermented corn juice from the silo when he was nine.   He has issues with addiction across the board as an adult.  By the time he was 13, he was sexually active in a major way.  How many women he has slept with over the years, is unknown.  About 14 years ago, he went away to jail for 10 years for sexually assaulting my niece.  He didn’t rape her, but they threw the book at him, I think sometimes because of his past and the abuse he went through as a child.  I stayed with him during this time because I was pregnant with his child and thought if he got help we could break the cycle of abuse that seems to plague our families.  No matter what, he is the father of my children and nothing can change that.   Statics show that children have a high risk of going to jail when one of their parents goes to jail.  I didn’t want that to happen to our children, so I decided to give him a reason to change, and a family to come home to.  He did come home and things seemed good for a couple of years.  We were working on our dream of owning a farm and trying to help other people make a fresh start of their life.  If anything at least I can say we tried to live our dream even if right now it seems like we have failed.   It seems that with the affair he had with a woman we had staying at our house, triggered him to start drinking and everything has gone downhill from there.  It’s been like watching a freight train bear down on you.  You know you should jump but your legs won’t work.

Currently my husband and I are separated.  I asked him to leave when he made a girl who was staying at our house uncomfortable.   I don’t know what the truth is exactly.  Again, no accusations of rape.  I only know that on so many levels people are hurting.  She and her family are hurting.   Friendships were once again destroyed.  My children and step children are hurting.  You lose so much when this stuff happens.   It’s difficult to put into words what all is lost.  As it is it seems like my children and I are the ones who did something wrong, other than love someone, the way that so many people have disappeared out of our life of recent.

I have disclosed all these personal skeletons because I need to get help for my family.  I need to get better so that there is no risk of my children going to foster care.  I need my husband to get help so that he can heal and other people are not at risk of getting hurt by him.  I need to get help for my daughters.  As it is one of them feels like she was raped when she was 6 by another child the same age.  Just this last year, we have found she has been cutting herself.  We don’t have insurance, or the money to afford counseling or a lawyer, but because I work we don’t qualify for any type of assistance.   It’s even tougher now living in two separate households to meet even our basic needs.  We were struggling before and now the struggle has gotten even harder.

I hope that by sharing my story, we can begin to talk about sexual abuse, in a way that allows those who might offend can talk about what is going on this head and heart without feeling shame.   I don’t think there is a need to feel shame when it’s quite possible that most of us have been affected by this illness. 

I hope that by sharing this story, people will want to donate their time as counselors or money so that my family and other families like mine can find help.  I think a fund that is set up so anyone can get the help when they need it could be life changing.  We might not be able to help everyone but hopefully we can save a few lives from a lot of heart ache.

 

Prisoners of love: Is alcoholism a disease?

Prisoners of love: Is alcoholism a disease?: Today, I took some time out to read a little bit about Step One in an al anon book Paths to Recovery     As some of you may know, Al-Anon ...

So I love a Sex offender

Okay, let me get straight to the point, my husband, the man I love, have loved for over 14 years is a registered sex offender.  So, now that is out in the air, out in the open.  I imagine if you are reading this you are either reviled by that admission, understand the pain that such a love can bring, or are perhaps curious about how a person can love such a person and in some cases stay with someone like that.
Well, first off.  Sex offenders come in many shapes and sizes.  They do not look like monsters, though some do look scary.  Just like every day people look different, so do they.  Some sex offenders are predators, some are not.  Reasons people offend against others are as varied as the people the people you might meet walking the city streets.  There is no cut and dry reason or rationale.  Just like there is no cut and dried reason why I love my husband.  I just do, for many reasons, some good, some questionable.  I myself, am not someone who, if you met me,  you would think I was anything but an average everyday woman.   There is nothing that would cause you to say, "oooh, that girl is crazy stay away from her".  My hair is not colored orange or purple, I don't dress in an outlandish way,  I don't normally say things that are out of the ordinary.  You would never know to look at me, that I live with a secret and deep heartache every day of my life.  You would never know if you met my children that they too live with the pain and the secret as well.  If you met me and my family, you would think of us, as an ordinary, average family struggling to make it in a somewhat recovering economy just like everyone else.

A big reason why I am writing this blog is to help ease some of the pain I feel from keeping a secret.  The more things are kept inside, the more likely they are to blow up in your face at some point.  At least that's what it seems like.  I also see that my family is gearing up for round 2 of more pain and decisions need to be made.  I don't want to do things the same as last time.  I need to approach this in a different way, so that perhaps there is a different outcome.  I don't know if there will be or not. I don't know if it will help or not.   I am hoping that somehow, some way, my family will find healing, will be able to help others heal, from a disease that I am sure affects far more of us than anyone, even the specialists are prepared to admit.  So if you care to follow me on this journey, maybe we will find out together what the future holds.  Is there healing?  Am I sick in the head?  Is my husband beyond help?  How will our children be affected?  Will I stay hurt and angry for ever?  What will we lose, what will we gain from this experience?  Is there a reason why we are going through this? 

 

Is alcoholism a disease?

Today, I took some time out to read a little bit about Step One in an al anon book Paths to Recovery    As some of you may know, Al-Anon is the sister program to AA.  Its for people who have been affected by someone else's drinking.  My husband is not only a sex offender, but also is an alcoholic (though currently he denies it), drug addict and in my opinion a sex addict.  I have gone to Al-anon off and on for the last 14 years.  In the beginning I was big into the program, but then I became disillusioned so I stopped going.  Last year I started to slowly go back to meetings because the pain of loving my husband but not getting attention from him was hurting me so bad that I had to do something before I went insane.  I do not want to depend on him for feeling loved because at this time in his life, he has not had much love to give to me.  I decided that I needed to get my own friends and live my own life that was not completely wrapped up in him.
 On page 15, there is a section called working Step one.  For those of you, who do not know what step one is, it is as follows.  We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable.   This section has a series of questions for one to think about.  Questions to help you take the focus off the alcoholic and put it on yourself.  For many of us, our lives are so wrapped up in the alcoholic/sex addict/drug addict/etc, we don't even know who we are, or what we feel (other than pain).  We think its selfish to take care of ourselves before we take care of others.

The question I think I will ponder about is do I accept that alcoholism is a disease?  How does that change the way I deal with the drinker?   14 years ago, I had little problem accepting that alcoholism is a disease.  It was easy back then.  I was just starting to know my husband and his addictions.  I was new to the program, everything was novel and inspiring.  Over time things changed.  My thoughts about alcoholism changed.  I lost my faith in God, in religion, in some many things.  I began to wonder if alcoholism was a disease. I started to think things like, maybe you are only a afraid of alcohol because everyone has told you to be afraid of it.  Maybe if you were not afraid of it, it wouldn't be an issue.  It's like when you tell someone that can't have something, they want it more.  I began to think well, if I act like I am not afraid if my husband drinks, and he loses his fear of alcohol maybe this time he will not become consumed by it.  Maybe since he hasn't drank for 6 or 7 years he is no longer addicted to it.  He told me that a Native Counselor told him it would be okay if he drank and not to beat himself up about it.  So my husband started with the premise:" I want to drink, I enjoy it and you are not going to stop me from it.  I am only going to drink once in a while, maybe once a month. I am being honest like you want me to be.  If you love me, you will accept me for who I am."  So I said okay," drink once in a while.  Be stronger.  I guess it wont hurt if you drink because you like it, and not because you are sad or trying to escape something."  He asked me to drink with him "you need to relax, drinking will help you to enjoy life, you are so uptight."  So I drank with him. I thought it might be good to find out what is the attraction to drinking and being drunk.  Can you really black out from drinking?  Do you really make stupid decisions when drinking?  I have always stayed away from drugs, alcohol, and smoking  because of the dangers they pose.  I believe I have the tendencies of an addict and don't want to become addicted to anything stronger than salt n vinegar chips. The first time I went out with him and got drunk so bad that I couldn't leave the bathroom for 15 minutes because my legs wouldn't cooperate.  I was sitting there, saying" get up" and I couldn't my  legs where numb.  Eventually I did get up.  We made it home that night safe.  He hadn't drank as much as me, or maybe the alcohol doesn't affect him as quickly, I don't know.  I don't know how drunk he was, but none the less we made it home.  It was that night ironically, that I found out about the affair he had been having in our home.  We had a another female staying with us, because she had no place to go and we wanted to "help" her.  In my eyes she is a girl because she is 10 years younger than me.  (that is a whole another post I am sure) .  So that was my first drunk drunk episode with him.  Drunk to the point where the next day I could smell the alcohol on my body.  Yuck.  That drunk didn't help me to see the good side of drinking because of the affair, even though I had a good time when I was getting drunk. 
So to answer the question, I still don't know if I see the alcoholism as a disease. I do and I don't.  I need to find out from people who don't think it is and who have over come their addiction.  For some people it must be, but not for everyone.  Is my husband an alcoholic?  If a life ruined because of stupid decision/choices is a disease, then I would say yes, he has a problem.  What is his exact problem, I don't know.  Is is the alcoholism?  Is it the sex addiction? I am sure he is a sex addict because why else would he have had sex partners that number into the 100's or more.  Why would he want me to have sex with other people when all I want is to be loved by him?  Is it is past trauma from the sexual abuse he suffered?   
I don't have an answer for how whether or not I believe that alcoholism is a disease or not and how has it changed how I treat the alcoholic.  Right now for this moment, in this space, I feel that my husband is sick because of generations of abuse that have gone on in both of our families.  I do feel that we both need help and that we are not the evil people that some would like to say we are or that he is.  I think that to isolate and to call us the "sick ones" is mistaken because it puts us in a box and separates.  The honest truth is that probably we all are sick in this entire world, there is not one person out there who does not have some type of affliction whether it be jealousy, sexual perversion, anger, hate, greed...... and the list could go on and on.  We have all been affected by something and need to help one another heal and not isolate from one another by believing "that person is sick and not me."  We need to honestly address the secrets that live in each one of us and expose them to the light.

Change is in the air

recently someone new has come to stay with us.  C left to go back to CT.  Z had moved into my brothers old room.  I guess you could say there are lots of changes lately.  Not to mention I recently changed jobs.  So this new person is a girl/women.  Talk about upsetting the balance of things.    What I am realizing that this is going to be a harder project than I thought it would be because just like sun bear, he has a desire for open love.  when we married I thought it would just be  him and me married for ever.  Now I am seeing that I was wrong...I think he is crazy serious about having other people  join us.  I thought before it was just some fantasy of his and that it would eventually fade away,  I also though we had both learned our lessen years ago and how we have to be very careful about the choices we make.  I have come to realize that some things do repeat themselves.  Why I don't know.